Cougar Town

So this woman comes in the store looking for some gifts for her son.

She's very nice. She asks me for help.

I show her around. Ask a few questions about her son...how old is he, what's he into, etc.

I get a feel for what she's looking for.

Conversation is flowing.

Did I mention she was attractive?

She starts piling up stuff on the counter.

I'm up on the ladder getting hard to reach stuff. "This takes AA batteries!"

Still making conversation. Always looking in my eyes.

It's getting friendlier (but at all times professional)

She's smiling a lot more than when she first came in. She seems real comfortable with me. She's let down her guard (if in fact it was ever up)

She starts telling me how she spent her snowed in Sunday. Kinda private stuff.

She finishes up shopping...I ring her up.

She pays. She looks deep in my eyes.

I think she's into me!

Here is the conversation that follows:

HER: "Would you like to come to bible study with me and my husband Thursday night?"

ME: "No thank you."

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SO TO SUM UP

Thursday's are BuddyNight, not JesusNight. (Though Jesus would have made a fine buddy)

I guess.

The Health Care Reform Thingy

So while The Nation shopped for Christmas our (your) politicians basically voted in some seriously flawed Health Care Reform.

It's going to cost hundreds of billions of taxpayer dollars.

But the pure genius of the whole thing is that they plan on upping the tax on customers of Tanning Salons to 10%.

I'm not making that up.

It's Write Your Own Caption Weekend!

This is the one about a limo driver that doesn't really have a punchline.

So BuddyNite was winding down from a restaurant packed with holiday revelers (You'll never actually hear someone say 'Holiday Revelers'...it's just used in print)

Anyhow...so we're leaving and we spot this limo sitting outside. And it's a woman driver. She's blonde.

She smiles at us. We smile and wave back.

And then I get in my car and Hoag gets in the passenger seat.

I see the limo.

And I pull up beside it as close as I possibly can. On Hoag's side.

He's roughly eight inches away from said Blonde Limo Driver.

I put the car in park and just sit there for an uncomfortable amount of time.

Uncomfortable for The Hoag that is. And Blonde Limo Driver.

I just stare straight ahead and Hoag squirms for what seems like forever. He's eight inches away from Blonde Limo Driver's window.

Blonde Limo Driver has no idea what we're gonna do. It's borderline creepy. She can't open her door. She starts to open her window.

We start laughing and drive away.

Blonde Limo Driver thinks to herself: 'Assholes!'

And how do I know that she was thinking that?

Trust me...I know.

Silent Night

So I have a radio station on and all they play during the month of December is Christmas songs.

Did you hear me? THAT'S ALL THEY PLAY!!!

So Miss Mensa calls up the station.

Here is that conversation:

MISS MENSA: "Hi...could you play a song for me?"

DJ: "Sure! What would you like to hear?"

MISS MENSA: "Could you play Silent Night for me?"

DJ: "Sure...we'll get that right on."

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So now let's gather up the facts:

1)IT'S A RADIO STATION PLAYING NOTHING BUT CHRISTMAS SONG!!!!

2)THEY WERE GONNA PLAY SILENT NIGHT ANYHOW!!!

3) FREEBIRD!!!

Top Ten Things I Like About The Road Construction Across The Street From My Shop The Week Before Christmas!

1.

Ponce De Leon and X-mas shopping

(I looked for a photo of him but could only find drawings...sorry)

Ponce was and is my favorite explorer.

He looked cool.

He was looking for something cool.

Magellan?

Loser.

Went the long way around South America when he could have just discovered the Panama Canal instead. (I love that they named GPS systems after a guy that took the long way around)

Columbus? Dolt.

Thought the USA was India. (SHUT MY DOOR!!)

But Ponce was special.

And had the coolest of names...Ponce De Leon.

Say it. Ponce De Leon.

See? Cool.

And the cool helmet.

Fountain of Youth?

Way cool.

So what does this have to do with me shopping last night?

Well, I was getting a gift card and they asked if I wanted a Spanish one.

A Gift Card in Spanish.

Do I look Spanish?

Did I sound Spanish?

Do I look like Ponce De Leon? (If only)

And why are there so many people from Spain that live in the States?

SO TO SUM UP:

Ponce De Leon=cool

Spanish Gift Cards=Not So Cool.

Vomit on Blitzen

Every year someone comes up with something for a car that makes me mental.

Yellow ribbons.

Anything with a slash thru it.

Baby on Board signs.

Fake bullet holes.

The little shades so the baby doesn't get sun in his eyes. (Babies like sun in their eyes!!)

Wreaths on the front of car.

And on and on.

Stop it.

Especially this:



We know your car isn't really a reindeer.

Douche.

Happy Birthday!

I'm gonna paraphrase a bit from The Howard Stern Show.

So I'm listening to Howard Stern the other day and he has this porn gal on.

(Well, actually the porn gal has a webcam and is talking to them via the computer)

And different folks tell PornGal what to do and she does it and everyone laughs or gasps or what have you.

Some of it is funny...some of it is porn.

But it's on the radio.

I'm laughing.

Then someone asks PornGirl to put fingers up her butt and to do whatvever one does with fingers up their butt.

And she does.

And Howard and the gang start laughing.

Then PornGal asks Howard what he wants her to do.

And Howard replies...

"Wash your hands."

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And that is the genius of Howard Stern.