Tuesday, February 28, 2006

If Hitler Was One Of The Beatles

Think of the new songs!

1. While My Gestapo Gently Sleeps

2. She Came In Through The Bunker Window

3. Magical Misery Tour

4. The Ballad Of Adolf & Eva

5. Do you Want To Know A State Secret?

6. Octopus's Berchtesgaden

7. I want To Hold Your Himmler.

8. I Am The WaldHeim (I am the Eichman)

9. The Long And Winding Eastern Front

10. Back In The USSR (but this time in the summer!)

11. Nothing for #11

12. Ticket To Reich

13. With A Little Help From My Fuehrer

14. Hitler Skitler

15. Luftwaffe In The Sky With Diamonds

16. Hey Juden

Monday, February 27, 2006

Buying a New Car?

Stay away from these models:

1. The Scamaro

2. The Rustang

3. Toyota Crapola

4. Whorevette

5. Mercury BrokeBack Mountaineer

6. The VW Beatle (especially the John and George as they don't last as long)

7. Nothing for #7

8. Dodge Rump Ranger

9. The Lincoln Agitator

10. Cadillac Cruella deVille

11. The Honda Qualude

12. The Buick Skybar (they melt)

13. Honda Accordian (folds up in most accidents)

And of course all Dodge product.

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Things I've Invented

My buddy always brags about inventing the pencil behind the ear look. I figure it's about time I brag about my inventions:

1. I invented the imaginary baseball swing, followed by the shading of the eyes from the imaginary sun so I can see where the imaginary ball falls.

2. The cocking of the head backwards and then filling mouth with Redi-Whip straight from the can.

3. The quick kinda half-run thingy folks do while crossing the street. All me.

4. Liquid ice.

5. The forming of the right hand into a gun and then making the ::clickclick:: sound, followed by a quick wink. Sometimes includes the phrases: "Thanks Dollface!" or "Later Chief!"

6. The now infamous 'nothing for #6'.

7. The pen behind the ear look. TOTALLY MINE!!

8. The cotton gin.

9. Cold fusion

10. The Tuna Martini

11. The ampersand (kidding! I don't even know what an ampersand is)

12. The approving nod and pat on the back.

14. The vulcan mindmeld.

13. The out of order numbered list.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

Rejected Party Games & Toys

1. Screwples

2. BalderDashtoTheBathroom.

3. PickYourNoseTionary

4. CherAids

5. Hungry Hungry Hitler's

6. Titty Twister

7. Nothing for #7

8. Poops and Ladders

9. RandyLand

10. Rock 'em Sock 'em Ike and Tina Turners

11. Dungeon & DragQueens

12. Tex, Hold 'em

13. Poke Her

14. Nahtzee! (and by association: Word Nahtzee! and Triple Nahtzee!)

If Hollywood BrokeBacked the Classics

1. The African Queens

2. Donny & Clyde

3. The Taking of Pelham One Two Three....and Brian.

4. When Harry Met Charlie

5. Three Men and a Davey.

6. Nothing for #6

7. Assablanca

8. Shindler's Lisp

9. The Bridge Over The River Guy

10. Close (very close) Encounters of the Third Kind

11. It's a Man, Man, Man, Man World

12. Two Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest

13. Queen Kong

Friday, February 24, 2006

Hitler Cheats At Cards!

1. I learned my lesson...never play Texas Hold Em with Hitler. The dude cheats.

2. And never go to dinner with him (he touches the rolls and then puts them back)

3. Never tickle Hitler. Ever.

4. Hitler's favorite Stooge was Larry.

5. Nothing for #5

6. Even during the height of World War II Hitler kept his part time job at the chinese restaurant.

7. Hitler invented the phrase 'Cowboy Up'...though never, ever uttered it himself after May of 1987.

8. The fake orgasm scene from When Harry Met Sally....Hitler himself taught Meg Ryan how to do that. It's true.

9. Hitler was on the second season of American Idol. He sang Proud Mary. Randy said he was a bit 'pitchy'. Paula said she had goosebumps. Simon said he was horrific.

10. Hitler liked little tiny copper teapots.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Oprah Smoprah

1. I ain't no Oprah.

2. Most of the time.

3. I like Ronald Reagan, The Boston Red Sox, and the old style TV Guide.

4. I'm not a big fan of squirrels as they've proven themselves creepy.

5. Would Hitler have been as evil if his name was Davy Hitler?

6. Nothing for #6

7. I once killed a guy just for snoring.

8. Not really.

9. Hot buttered corn is the second best punchline.

10. So ya can carry 'em like a six-pack is the best.