My pastor was sick and ask me to fill in for him. He also asked me to do it in the numbered list format that is so popular in forward thinking churches.
1. Motorcycle owners....make your bikes real REAL loud because people love that! Jesus himself would love that! ....That's sarcasm. we hate your loud motorcycle as it drives by....for a brief moment we want to kill you. Jesus himself would want to kill you. With his bare hands.
2. Waitresses across the planet.....just fill up our water glasses without asking. And stop hovering around my table. Spell invisible, Single Mother of Four.
3. Keep that damn kid quiet. As it says in the bible "No man should have to listen to your whiny brat of a kid" Jesus also said the exact words to his Apostles.
4. Vote for Hillary....burn in hell. It says so in the bible. See ANTI-CHRIST 3:17 or Corinthians something :12
5. Church builders...PUT SOME PADS ON THE STINKING PEWS! And stop calling them pews. They are uncomfortable benches. Now give us money.
6. Stop pretending that the phrase "You're fired." (made famous by Donald Trump) was ever an actual 'catch phrase'. It wasn't. You know it. I know it. Jesus knows it.
PASTOR: "Hey IANO....you're fired"
IANO: "Jesus H. Christ....give me another chance...."