Friday, June 15, 2007

Things I've Learned

Esquire magazine does a feature every month where a celebrity lists Things They've Learned.

I'm gonna do mine. I think I'll make them the real things I've learned instead of made up humorous things I didn't really learn.


THINGS I'VE LEARNED:

1. The amount of shaving cream to use is roughly the size of a golf ball (learned that from Hoag's Dad circa 1976)

2. Lefty loosey, righty tighty.

3. When starting your car, let the engine run for 20 seconds or so before shifting into gear. It gets the oil in needed parts of the engine and cuts down on engine wear.

4. Never tell a woman she has a big ass no matter how big it is. EVER.

5. Never count the Yankees out....until they're out.

6. There are no lucky numbers. Except #17 on a roulette table.

7. The lottery is for suckers.

8. Daniel Craig is a better James Bond than Connery.

9. Cosmetic surgery is fine. Just don't let them near your eyes. Right Hoag?

10. Paying with cash during rush hour on the Turnpike is faster than FASTLANE, except on weekends.

11. My Mom was the nicest person I ever met. Wifey's Mom was more fun.

12. Tony Bennet couldn't carry Sinatra's toy train set.

13. Buying a pair of Levi's is the single easiest thing to do in life. There are NO surprises with Levi's. Unless you switch numbers. Stick with the 550s.

What have you learned? I'm sure you bitches will make stuff up....this I've learned.

20 comments:

cake said...

- Karma always gets the mean people, it just sometimes takes longer than you'd like.

- Running a glass jar and metal lid under hot water will make it easier to open.

- You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need. (Oh, wait...)

- Pew seats are really slippery if you're wearing silk.

- Lawn gnomes will always ALWAYS crack me up, no matter what.

maddog said...

-Measure twice, cut once.

-Loud pipes save lives.

-Girls look hot when they wear baseball caps backward.

-Norrin Radd is, and will always be Galactus' best herald.

chinese guy said...

ry rawlways thought it was refty roosey, righty tighty.

murph said...

no matter what they say, they DONT know their cycle.

Authorized Personnel Only is a guideline

Most rules are suggestions

If you don't ask, they cant say no.

dateless at prom time said...

Honking your horn at a girl does not increase your chances of sleeping with her.

Though sleeping with a girl does increase the chance of squeezing her breasts and making the sound :honkhonk:

bacon ace said...

"chinese guy said...
ry rawlways thought it was refty roosey, righty tighty."

I learned that racism is outdated.

chinese guy said...

R'ime rorry. Ron't rappen again.

cake said...

I forgot a couple...

- Toast with jam is one of the little pleasures in life.

- If you drink enough wine, you start to get a taste for the stuff (and soon the cheap stuff doesn't cut it).

Anonymous said...

I learned that ya can't shoe a horsefly....no matter how you try.

I Ain't No Oprah said...

Cake-

Tell us the story of when you were wearing silk on a pew.

Somehow I don't think that ever happened.

cake said...

Dear IANO:

How much do you wanna bet?

cake said...

p.s.
I learned that IANO is too much of a pansy to make a bet with me.

Anonymous said...

i learned that iano thinks he's a celebrity.

Anonymous said...

i learned that not using capital letters is strangely freeing.

i think i'll go take my pants off next.

pantsless in boston said...

IM NOT WEARING PANTS!

cake said...

I learned that laundry dried outside in the sun and summer breeze smells wonderful.

Tex said...

*You Can go home again

*Never Settle..EVER in life or in love

*Life is too short to live it unhappy..if you're unhappy change what/who you're doing

*the little things DO matter

*Zany people are NOT crazy

*Wear a glove to a baseball game if you're sitting in the foulball line

michael jackson said...

Wear a glove all the time!

Anonymous said...

You insulted Sean Connery AND Tony Bennet in ONE blog?????

Your Future = Hell. Maybe you'll get a Handbasket, but I doubt it.

You are no longer invited to my family's funerals.

Bemis

--steve cohen said...

My better half knows I love her butt!!!
CASINO ROYALE (2006) is better than some Connery Nonds, as a movie, but that does not make Craig a better Bond than Connery.
My favorite Bond is Connery, Craig just may replace Brosnan as my second favorite Bond.