Friday, July 20, 2007

If I Was In Charge Of The Boston Red Sox

1. First off, I'd saddle up all of these grandmas and ship their asses out of Boston.

2. Then I'd take that Coney Island Maniac, Julian Tavares, and put him in the bullpen. He would be replaced by Kason (when the Schill comes back)

3. Then I'd take Wily Mo Pena and stick a ballpeen hammer in his eye (actually I'd just trade his butt to Baltimore for Kevin Millar)

4. The hitting coach? The Red Sox have a hitting coach? I hadn't noticed.

5. JD Drew? First I'd get him some new summer dresses and see how that works. If that does no good maybe I'd just have him get his vagina cleaned or whatever the heck it is they do to mens vaginas.

6. Lugo? Kidney punch!

And those are my 6 surefire ways of jump starting this pathetic excuse for a baseball team.

27 comments:

ex mrs bacon ace said...

Hmmm...Lugo seems to be turning it around. But now that he's hitting, they are losing, so do you not want him to hit and that's why you'd kidney punch him? and wouldn't a cock-punch be more effective?

Anonymous said...

4a) Cagney voice: You'd bop the hittin' coach on the noggin, see? He don't work with the pitchers no more, see? Why, he's just for hittin', see?

Moina

Anonymous said...

Mellow, baby, mellow.

Here, have a toke on this. Seriously. It'll calm those hostile impulses.

Breathe in, and repeat after me: "Nam Pesky Yastrzemski Fenway... Nam Pesky Yastrzemski Fenway..." Now toke again.

Oh, you like that? Kinda great, isn't it? Bet you never saw a peace pipe with pinstripes before...

-- Lamont "Seven Games Back: Feel the Heat Yet, Bucko?" Cranston

Anonymous said...

4a) Cagney: "'cause the hittin' coach was workin' with the other team's pitchers, see? He was singin' like a canary, see? So we're relearnin' him about hittin', see? Say, what's that peacepipe you got there, brothah? Ahhhhhhh. Where's the chili parlor, boys, I'm starvin'!" Moina

You have some five-star rants in ya, No Oprah! It's a gift!

Anonymous said...

Upon reflection, is ranting your super power? Different from Mr. Furious of Flamin' Carrot, but fighting in the same super-irate heavyweight division? Moina

cake said...

Someone pee in your Crispy Hexagons this morning, Mr. Crankypants?

I Ain't No Oprah said...

Cranky? Cranky?

We're talking about a team that has QUIT!

That's what happens when dudes grow vaginas.

They quit. Because they now have vaginas. And what would really be the point of trying once you have a vagina?

It's why broads don't play in the major leagues.

Vagina= what's even the point of trying.

cake said...

"Cranky? Cranky?"

Is there an echo in here?

vagina said...

i thought you liked me

papa jack said...

Where's my police escort back to Fenway?

I Ain't No Oprah said...

Dear Vagina,

Yes, I like you.

But not on MY Boston Red Sox!

Kansas city faggots said...

"Change our name to Boston! Change our name to Boston!"

Anonymous said...

Whoa. "Vagina = what's even the point of trying" is a heckuva depressing slogan. Wouldn't fit on a license plate, either. The Virginia Slims or Virginia state mottos--retrofitted with vaginas (vaginacized?) = mo' better.

Moina "Please Give Him Pancakes Now" Loy

bostongraf said...

I must refrain from commenting. The depression/rage is to great.

Anonymous said...

NoOprah has a point. Amelia Earhart. Quitter. Dian Fossey. Quitter. Marie Curie. Quitter. Florence Griffith Joyner. Quitter. Lou Gehrig. Baseball's Greatest Quitter. Vaginas one and all.

Margaret Thatcher. Not a quitter, but little evidence that she had a vagina.

-- Lamont "XY" Cranston

Anonymous said...

Didja know that only quitters appear on the front of the Crispy Hexagon box? Crispy Hex: It's the anti-Wheaties.

Moina

vagina said...

please don't bury the 'v' word! i'll try harder!

manny said...

This post made me cry.

big papi said...

Suck it up, girl!

Lois Lane said...

So sad. So angry. Look at Cake's nice new haircut.

There. Now doesn't that make you feel better?

cake said...

And that's why having a new haircut is the...what? We're done with that?

Oh.

Damn.

bacon ace said...

"...what? We're done with that?"

Like hell we are! That's why persistence is the best super power.

Anonymous said...

And this is yet another reason why bacon is the best super power:

http://www.baconsalt.com/

Anonymous said...

I guess their new summer dresses worked last night, huh? Nice work, Iano!

I Ain't No Oprah said...

I'll take full credit for last nights win.

I think it was the kidney punch to Lugo that did it.

Anonymous said...

Taking credit for this afternoon's win, too, then?

I Ain't No Oprah said...

Yes.

Bitching about the Red Sox is the best super-power.