Saturday, July 14, 2007

An open letter to serial killers.

Dear Serial Killers,

What the hell is going on with you guys? You've been slacking BIG TIME in the creative department lately.

Which one of you losers is gonna step up to the plate and be the next Son of Sam, the next Ted Bundy, the next Zodiac?

Bunch of sissies.

Come on, start hacking some folk up and leave clues! Taunt the police! Have a theme! Get a catchy nickname! Travel the country leaving a trail of carnage in your wake!

You can do it!

46 comments:

The Boston Triangular said...

I'll cut you up into triangles little Mr. Blogger Boy. TRIANGLES!

And bury you in a shallow triangular grave.

limerick murderer said...

Okay.

*hides in the backseat of IANO's car, sharpens knife, and composes murder clue in the form of a limerick*

"There once was a man from Nantucket...."

No, wait...

I Ain't No Oprah said...

who hacked up this douche with a hatchet...

limerick murderer said...

But the hatchet was rusty
And the murder so klutzy
The killer finally said "fuckit!"

I think I need more caffeine if I'm gonna play this game.

Wal-Mart Killer said...

"Prices are falling, and so are YOU!"

::tosses bitch over cliff::

Cliff Bitch said...

Are ya using my name in vain?

tony the bloody tiger said...

"You want to see a cereal killer? I'll show you a real cereal killer....RRRRRRROOOOOARRRRRR!!!!!"

::eats victim::

"She's GRRRREEEEAAAAAT!"

sea dog said...

"I'm the only REAL cereal killer, Captain."

::CRUNCH::

Cereal God said...

OH OH Are we headed for Crispy Hexagon heaven?

Toucan Sam said...

"You're about to die my fruity little friend..."

::crushes skull with two cans::

::Ties a loop around her waist and tosses her into giant milk lake....::

count chocula said...

::drains hooker of blood, leaves in alley::

snap said...

:snaps hookers neck, leaves in woods::

crackle said...

::lights fire, tosses hooker into fire, body burns and crackles::

and pop said...

::pours soda all over hooker. It does no real harm. Picks up gun::

"POP!"

::head explodes::

Boo Berry said...

::sees hooker::

"BOO!"

::hooker dies of fear::

quisp said...

::travels the country killing gay hookers in a Quisp like fashion::

"I'm straight, not like they say...!"

::suffering alone in the closet Quisp continues to go on coast to coast gay killing spree::

quake said...

::shakes baby to death::

::looks around for Quisp::

the serial killin' beatles said...

1. "While my guitar gently smacks you over the head until you bleed out and then I bury you in the backyard."

2. "I want to hold your severed hand."

3. "HELP! Ha! There aint no help, Bitch!"

4. "Hey Nude (and dismembered)"

5. "All you need is gloves (and some lime and a tarp and a shovel and...)"

6. "Lucy right in the Eye with a Diamond sharp hunting knife."

7. Eleanor Rigormortis

cake said...

Now we're encouraging serial killers?! Damn, we really are a blog full of troublemakers...

astro slayer said...

I think I'll murder based on when folks were born and stuff...I'll call myself the Astrological Slayer!

jaded cop said...

It's been done.

astro slayer said...

::kills cop::

man-eating badger said...

Can I be classified as a serial killer?

hillary said...

I have a few people I'd like to introduce to a serial killer. Is there a number I can call?

john kerry said...

If people die of boredom when you speak, are you a serial killer?

g. steinbrenner said...

Oh, Mr. Kerry, good question!

puffer fish said...

I'm a serial killer, I'm a serial killer!

flakey o' corn said...

I wanna get together with Toucan Sam, Count Chocula, and Tony the Tiger, and form a gang of cereal killers...we'll call ourselves the Breakfast Gang and be the scourge of the US! (and maybe even Canada)

oatmeal breakfast bar said...

Can I join?

flakey o' corn said...

No.

oatmeal breakfast bar said...

::kills Flakey, takes over gang::

Breakfast Club said...

Dear Breakfast Gang,

We were there first. Bugger off!

serial killin' rolling stones said...

1. Sympathy for the Bad Serial Killer Who Gets Caught by the Cops

2. Paint it Bloody

3. Beast of Burden of Proof

4. Murdery Hotel

5. Murd(erer) on the Run

6. Streets of Loving Killing People

Serial killin' stones said...

You Can't Always Gut Who You Want

Son of Toucan Sam said...

::bites off victim's nose::

Follow THAT, sucker!

crazy carny killer said...

Come on, step right up, everyone's a winner...

grammar nitpicker said...

Waitasec, crazy carny killer...are you a plain old killer? Or do you only kill crazy carnies??

crazy carny killer said...

::suffocates grammar nitpicker and tosses him into the cotton candy spinning machine::

rat said...

The worst serial killers out there are the people who own pest control companies!!!

*sobs*

norman b. said...

Has anyone seen my Mom? I thought I left her right over there.

hannibal said...

I ate her...with a side of fava beans and a nice chianti.

Anonymous said...

Another one for the bacon addict(s).

miss piggy said...

*gasp* Murderers!

bacon ace said...

So I just tried to order that bacon chocolate dealy. $21 for shipping on a small $7 product? Screw that noise.

Anonymous said...

Oh Mr. Ace...so there's a limit to how far you'll go for bacon, is there? I'm so disillusioned...

bacon ace said...

It's "bacon ACE", not "bacon blind allegience".