Wednesday, August 08, 2007

The Home Run Queen

So Berrie Bonds finally breaks the most coveted record in all of sports.

So what does the douche say after breaking said record?

He says:

"I'll never forget this day."

Well, duh.

You stupid cheating fool. Did you think that maybe in like three weeks time all of a sudden you'd forget it? Did you think that we would think you'd forget it? What a jerk.

I'm now hoping you get The Alzheimers and forget.

(when I was like 12 years old I won a watermelon eating contest and I still remember it. And I didn't cheat.)

I hope I don't get The Alzheimers...cuz watermelon is worth remembering.

27 comments:

bostongraf said...

"I'm now hoping you get The Alzheimers and forget."

That may be one of my favorite statements written (or said) about the whole thing. Fantastic.

I Ain't No Oprah said...

Can't ya just picturing him in some old folks home, drooling all over his Boston Red Sox t-shirt, and thinking he was a florist or something?

A crappy florist.

cake said...

Is it just me or is NoOprah a little obsessed with florists?

Maybe it's The Early Onset Alzheimers.

Sparkle Plenty said...

I forget what you just said about Bonds. But, how much watermelon did you eat?

I Ain't No Oprah said...

It was a speed eating contest not a quantity contest.

The secret? Swallow the seeds.

Paul said...

I hope he forgets what baseball is. Imagine that... "Base what? I've never heard of such a thing. I'm just an old man named Barry, so please leave me alone!"

For an added bonus, he could go into a coma, and Hank could pull the plug.

Anonymous said...

If you swallow 756 seeds, they'll name you the Rind King.

No argument with any of your post today.

If the Giants were playing the Yankees, and the only way the Giants could win is if Barry Bonds hit a home run, how would you root?

-- Lamont "The Clear, but NEVER the Cream" Cranston

Sparkle Plenty said...

Lamont: Maybe No Oprah would turn off the game and go arrange flowers. Angrily.

I Ain't No Oprah said...

Dear Lamont,

My hatred of The Yankees FAR outweighs my hatred of Berrie Bonds.

After a day or two I'll probably never even think of Bonds.

I think of the Yankees almost every waking second. I hate them. I wish they were miners or bridge travellers or something...

bostongraf said...

Lamont -

That is a very good question. But it actually is a pretty easy answer. I would root for Bonds. For two main reasons:

1) Bonds was going to do it sometime, so might as well benefit from it.

2) I would love to see the Yanks on the field for the millions of times that replay will be shown.

cake said...

"I think of the Yankees almost every waking second. I hate them."

Lamont is plotting to put you in a Yankees jersey and tell you you're from NY the second you show any sign of The Alzheimers...consider yourself warned.

Anonymous said...

Hee hee hee... at the first sign of drooling on NoOprah's part, I'm actually putting him in a ROGER CLEMENS Yankee jersey, fixing a sign around his neck that reads "I brake for 300-game winners" and depositing him on Yawkey Way next to a stack of Buckey Dent and Aaron Boone glossies.

But I maintain my earlier position regarding the relative importance of the Red Sox to the Yankees and vice versa: Red Sox fans spend their time wishing their team could be like the Yankees. Yankees fans spend their time wishing their team could live up to being the Yankees. The state of the Red Sox is, at best, an afterthought for Yankees fans.

We agree that Bonds is a 'roid-laden cheater, though.

Bostongraf's comment about wanting the Yankees to be on the field during the million replays brought a smile to these lips. Nicely played.

-- Lamont "FIVE games back, sucka!" Cranston

Ihnatko said...

http://www.cwob.com/yellowtext/yellowtext0807.html#65122

Sparkle Plenty said...

Dear No Oprah,

Shhh. I am a Red Sox fan. Yet, my favorite player ever is Yogi Berra. Is it okay because he is dead now, or should I seek counseling? I live with this inner turmoil every day...Thank you.

"It ain't the heat; it's the humility."

Anonymous said...

Umm...

Unless you know something I don't, Yogi is still very much alive.

And...

I root for the Yankees (and the Mets) but my favorite player of all time is Bob Gibson.

How do you figure that?

-- Lamont "And the Babe is my second" Cranston

Sparkle Plenty said...

WHOA! I was so sure he had left us, I didn't even check (shhh, between the two of us, I'm glad he's alive...shhh) DAMN. Now I have to find another colorful Yankee to worship posthumously.

Sparkle Plenty said...

Lamont: Are we talking about "Hoot" Gibson? Sounds like he pitched like a wrathful, Old Testament God...Cool! And, he, too, is not dead, not "just resting," but alive? Due to early onset The Alzheimers, I'll forget this in five minutes. But, it's good to know now.

I Ain't No Oprah said...

Dear Sparkle,

You're glad that Yogi is alive???

You do know that Yogi was/is a Yankee???

bacon ace said...

I think you have him confused with that crazy old man in the Afflac commercials.

Anonymous said...

Huh?

No, I'm pretty sure NoOprah isn't that crazy old man in the Aflac commercials.

And the duck is voiced by Gilbert Gottfried. How fallen are the, uh...

Something.

-- Lamont Cranston

Sparkle Plenty said...

It's The Alzheimers, the Alzheimers, I tells ya...Bonds ducked, and it smacked me in the kisser.

Sparkle Plenty said...

Wait. Bonds is a baseball player? Isn't he a spy?

I Ain't No Oprah said...

Did you know the first screen Bond was played by a guy named Barry?

I wonder where Bonds was on November 22, 1963....

Anonymous said...

I'm not sure what the rules are regarding posting links, but I hope folks can click on this.

Be sure to read the tag line at the bottom right-hand corner of the page. Apparently this didn't start running until the day after Bonds "broke" Hank Aaron's record.

http://video.mediapost.com/index.cfm?clientfile=otlBonds72.jpg

-- Lamont "Foul!" Cranston

cake said...

How do you suppose Berrie/Barry takes his steriods? Shaken or stirred?

(I'm late to the game...damn.)

Lois Lane said...

Yogi Bear is dead? What? Oh my god! Has anyone told BooBoo?

Huh?

Yogi Berra?

Oh.

Never mind. I think I'm a little woozy from the special constables.

I Ain't No Oprah said...

Yogi Bear was eating a Baby Ruth?

Damn Yankees.