Thursday, May 31, 2007

Dead man walking

So this morning I'm pulling out of my driveway when I spot my wife and her buddy walking up the street (they walk a mile or two every morning)

I roll down my window to talk with is how the conversation went:

ME: "Hey....out for a walk? Why don't you two run?"

WIFEY: "Why don't you run?"

ME: "I don't need to."

Tuesday, May 29, 2007


So that lady Cindy Sheehan (the anti war activist that lost a son) decided to 'resign' as the head of the anti-war movement.

Here is part of what she said:

"Casey died for a country which cares more about who will be the next American Idol than how many people will be killed in the next few months while Democrats and Republicans play politics with human lives,"


And what do I have to say about all this you ask?

I say get some soldiers that can sing and America will give a crap.

Oh that Hoagy!

I just got off the phone with the Hoag and in conversation it came up that he once bought 24 identical Valentines Day cards proclaiming 'You're The Only One For Me."

Sunday, May 27, 2007

I'm doing my part

So I'm reading about how underdeveloped countries have very little water and the average person in those countries has less than a toilet flush amount of water per day.

So I flushed my toilet twice today and quenched the thirst of two kids in the Sudan.

Three if they were really small, undernourished kids.

It feels great to be part of the solution.

Friday, May 25, 2007

Memorial Day

As you know, this is the weekend that America celebrates our Memorials.

I'll be celebrating the TV memorial. That's my favorite.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

How to get rid of cellulite?

That's what the headline on my news server asked.

I will now answer.

1. Be a man.

2. Kill most of my female relatives.

Once again, a problem solved.

Friday, May 18, 2007

My new best friend.

So on yesterday's blog we're all talking about food and stuff and BostonGraf mentions something about hot dogs which of course reminded me of my favorite hotdogs from Dairy Joy on route 117. So of course I'm craving one all day. Then about ten minutes before I close the store, in walks Bacon Ace. He says nothing and hands me a bag containing...yup, you guessed it....a Dairy Joy hotdog. And I ate it down yum. (Of course when I told Hoagy about it a few hours later he informs me that there is a good chance I'll get a photo in the mail of Bacon Ace holding said hotdog against his buttocks or something) ..................................if that should happen let me tell you, Bacon Ace has one good tasting buttock.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

I won't be fooled again.

Every day I bring my lunch to work. A sandwich and a snack.

Today I grabbed a bag of Cheese Nips that proudly proclaims '100 Calorie Packs'

I didn't think much about it until about 5 minutes ago when I ate it and realized that 100 calories in a snack is not a snack at all.

It's stupid.

People all over America are gonna fool themselves into thinking they'll lose weight by eating these '100 Calorie packs'.

The problem?

We're gonna end up eating 10-15 of these 100 calorie packs each day.



I hate you and hope you die.

Hopefully by starvation.

100 calorie packs. Jerks.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Martin Luther King's daughter dies

Which treatment should I give it?

1. What if the Beatles wrote about her? (All you need is Yolanda, We All Live in Yolanda's Submarine, etc.)

2. Jerry Falwell: the Lone Gunman?

3. How she was :this close:: to winning American Idol

4. Just post about the upcoming riots.

5. Can't we all just get along?....whoops, that was something else.

6. How she truly changed America. She changed America, right?

7. Something about bears.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007


Jerry Falwell just died and I was busy looking at the gals going into the dry cleaners.

I hope I don't go to hell.

Monday, May 14, 2007

Another scientific study

I recently moved my business about a block down the street.

In my old location I had a laundromat a couple doors down from me and now in the new location I have a dry cleaners across the street. So with help of my bunson burner, a compass, and two beakers I've come to the scientfic conclusion that hotter chicks go into a dry cleaners than a laundromat.

Not an opinion....a scientific fact (see above)

So ladies, start dry cleaning your clothes and you will become 'hotter'.

It's a scientific fact.

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Much too important to wait until Monday to post.

Do you ever read the copy on products?

'40% more fiber!'

'new great taste!'

'Low fat!'

and on and on....

Today I read something on a wrapper of toilet paper that made me wonder if the guy writing it just wanted to prove to his superiors that he was needed as THE copy writer.

The wrapper stated (and I quote)

'At home and in the office'

You can make up your own jokes....

Friday, May 11, 2007

Four broads

So we're sitting at a table last night for dinner and next to us were these four broads just prattling on about nothing. They never once stopped talking. They never once actually listened to one another. They were all talking at the same time. And never once did they say anything of substance.

One of them was mildly attractive so I added one bonus point.

I hated them all and wished them harm in the near future.

Whenever four women sit at a table together it should be referred to as a 'cackle of hens'

(four guys at a table is usually referred to as a 'roughhouse of cool')

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Duffy the beat cop

After a long absense Duffy the beat cop is back patrolling my street. Up and down the street he goes. Stopping, and looking, and chatting. And fighting crime.

And what could be a better name for a beat cop than Duffy? I think there was even a comic strip back in the 1940s called....Duffy the beat cop.

So I start to think what a beat cop named Duffys day must be like:

"Yo, Duffy!"

"'s it hangin?"

"Duffy my man!"

"Officer Duffy we're down on our can ya bust guys with a social disease?"

"Mr. Duffy sir....I slipped in an extra crueller, just for you"


::high five:: "Duffy!"

"Hey it hot enough for ya?"

"What's shakin' Cap'in?"

" about dem Sox, huh Duffy?"

"Dr. Duff...can I pahk here?"

It must be great to be Duffy.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Battle Dancing

It seems some guy died while 'battle dancing''s all over the news today.

I'm hip (hep) and have never ever heard of battle dancing. But I will tell you something....if I should die, please, oh please, make it from battle dancing.

How dumb are our soldiers?

Real dumb.

Everyday you hear about 7 soldiers in Iraq dying from roadside bombs.

"Hey soldiers, stay off the road in the middle of the road"


Tuesday, May 08, 2007

My scientific study.

I've always thought McDonalds french fries were far superior to Burger King's.

So the other day I'm at Burger King and I notice a french fry on the ground in the parking lot. That is something you never, EVER see at McDonalds.


Because the birds swoop down and eat them.

To conclude:

McDonalds french fries are better because the birds eat 'em up yum.

Monday, May 07, 2007

Because I have a blog I must review Spider-Man 3

This movie is so painfully bad you should go see it.

I'm not making up the following:

1. Peter Parker dances three different times for no particular reason.

2. There are four songs performed that don't involve Peter dancing.

3. That is a total of 7 musical numbers in a superhero movie.

4. The soft pretzels, 6 tacos, and popcorn chicken I ate were all delicious.

5. If you hear anyone refer to this movie as 'ass', they would be correct.

6. And not even a good looking ass....this movie is a cellulite ridden giant ass. With pimples. And hair all over it.

7. The more I think of this movie the more I hate it. George Bush should attack it.

8. John Kerry should attack it....and then change his mind about attacking it.

9. This movie is the real reason behind global warming. I think.

10. Nothing for #10....oh wait....did I mention this movie blows? (I guess there really was something for number 10.)

Sunday, May 06, 2007

What I've learned.

In the last week or so I've learned a few important things:

1. Carson Daly fell off a cliff.

2. Carson Daly has large socks.

Now I need to learn what the heck a Carson Daly is.