Friday, June 29, 2007

Racist candy? You be the judge.

So I'm down at the Ku Klux Klan Korner Kandy Shoppe and here is what I see on the shelves:

1. Chunky 'Ho

2. Bit O' Guinea

3. Massa Goodbar

4. Kit Kat Klan bar

5. (In the halloween display) Candy Coon

6. The 3 Muslimteers bar

7. Sniggers

8. That aint my baby, Ruth!

9. Whatchamacalit, Sucka

10. Niggarageous

11. Pixy Spiks

12. Mulatto Cup

13. (in the hotel mini-bar) TobyLeon

14. Charleston Jew

15. Woppers

16. Jew Jew Fruit

17. Raisin-4FatherlessKidsOnOneWelfareCheck- ettes

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Headless bodies found.

A story in the paper (online) tells about 20 headless bodies found in Baghdad.

Which of course raises some questions:

1. Why were these headless bodies hiding?

2. Who were these headless bodies hiding from?

3. Why is Baghdad such a haven for the headless?

4. Do the headless get thirsty?

5. Are headless folk good kissers?

6. Do the headless have dental plans? If not, what do they do with the extra money?

7. Is investing in Baghdad Haberdashery a bad investment?

8. Do the headless seek out other headless? The finding of 20 of them all together suggests a big yes.

9. If a gal was ugly when she had a head and then becomes headless is she still ugly?

10. Do the headless get colds?

11. How do you know what baseball team the headless root for?

12. If the Beatles sang about the headless....oh, nevermind.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Another one of my premonitions came true

...and it's starting to scare me.

Attack on the Esplanade

If you don't know what the Esplanade it. It's in the Boston area.

So anyhow, it seems there was some kinda attack on a woman and her daughter(?) on the Esplanade the other night. It was on the news this morning and the reporter interviewed someone that was nearby. Here is part of that interview:

Reporter: "So....what are your thoughts about the attack on the Esplanade?"

Broad being interviewed: "It's a shame that an attack can happen in such a beautiful area."


Hopefully our new governor will make it a law that future attacks must be in run down areas only.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

The Canadian Crippler

Well, it seems my premonition was spot on.

Monday, June 25, 2007

a premonition

I have a premonition.

Liz Claiborne (the fashion icon )will die this week.

Friday, June 22, 2007

The Man of 1000 Faces

So last night buddy nite is winding down and the waiter brings the dessert for me, The Blonde, and the Hoag. Some kinda chocolate thing with ice cream and tons of raspberry sauce all over the plate.

While me and the Blonde eat our dessert the Hoag proceeds to:

1. Dab his finger in said raspberry sauce and make dot on forehead and then talk with a New Delhi accent.

::cleans off::

2. Dab his finger in said sauce, smear near left nostril, and act like a strung out cocaine addict.

::cleans off::

3. Dabs his finger in sauce and make stwo smears on both sides of his mouth to bring out his 'inner vampire'

::cleans off::

4. Dabs finger in sauce, makes smear on cheek, pretends he was in a fight.

::cleans off::

5. Refuses to take my suggestion to smear on cheeks like Indian war paint and scream out "woo-woo-woo' (or whatever it is native drunken indians say)

6. Dabs finger in sauce, applies as lip gloss and proceeds to let out his inner fem. And trust me....he has an inner fem.

And that is this weeks Buddy Nite round-up.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

How I know my youngest daughter loves ME more than she loves my wife.

Do I know she loves me more even though she talks to my wife more?


Do I know she loves me more even though she cuddles with my wife more?


Do I know she loves me more even though my wife helps her with school projects and stuff?


Do I know she loves me more even though my wife understands her better?


Do I know she loves me more even though my wife pays more attention to her?


Do I know she loves me more even though my wife does her more favors and treats her better?


Do I know she loves me more even though my wife is her best friend in the world?


So how do I KNOW my youngest daughter loves me more than she loves my wife?

I'll tell ya how I know. She gave me chocolate covered cashews for Father's Day.

And chocolate covered cashews tell no lies.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007


So the big news the other day was that Wal-Mart wants to change their image from a hillbilly department store to a different kind of hillbilly department store. Here is what their genius decided:

The would get rid of the blue smocks that their hillbilly employees wear. Keep in mind... emblazoned on the back of said smocks it screams HOW MAY I HELP YOU?

Wal-Mart executives don't think shoppers know how to identify Wal-Mart employees so now they're gonna be dress in tan pants with blue polo shirts. You know, like non hillbillies.

Have you ever seen a shopper wearing a blue smock with the words HOW MAY I HELP YOU? on the back? And big giant buttons adorned on the front with some lame ass saying?

And the best part of the whole 'get rid of blue smocks' thing is that Wal-Mart is going to recycle said smocks into blankets for our troops. I'm not making this up. Some of our blown up bleeeding troops are gonna be wrapped up in blue sweatstained hillbilly blankets. That should be comforting.

God Bless America.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

If the Beatles sang about Crispy Hexagons

When in doubt, use the tired 'if the Beatles sang about' premise.

1. Lucy in the Sky with Hexagons

2. Hexagon Shexagon

3. I am the Hexagon

4. The Long and Crispy Road

5. Why Don't We Do It In The Bowl

6. I Want To Hold Hold Your Hexagon

7. Fixing a Bowl

Even for mailing it in, I'm mailing it in....

Monday, June 18, 2007

Sounds yummy!

So I'm in the supermarket (are they still called supermarkets?) and I'm strolling (do people still stroll?) through the cereal aisle when I start noticing this phenomenon of store brands.

Store brands are when the supermarket makes their own brands and makes them look just like the national brands. And they're way cheaper. And they place them RIGHT next to each other. Huge money maker for the stores.

So I'm still strolling the aisle when all of a sudden I notice Crispy Hexagons! I don't even know what cereal they're ripping off! What genius named these?

Does anything sound less delicious than a Crispy Hexagon?

Friday, June 15, 2007

Things I've Learned

Esquire magazine does a feature every month where a celebrity lists Things They've Learned.

I'm gonna do mine. I think I'll make them the real things I've learned instead of made up humorous things I didn't really learn.


1. The amount of shaving cream to use is roughly the size of a golf ball (learned that from Hoag's Dad circa 1976)

2. Lefty loosey, righty tighty.

3. When starting your car, let the engine run for 20 seconds or so before shifting into gear. It gets the oil in needed parts of the engine and cuts down on engine wear.

4. Never tell a woman she has a big ass no matter how big it is. EVER.

5. Never count the Yankees out....until they're out.

6. There are no lucky numbers. Except #17 on a roulette table.

7. The lottery is for suckers.

8. Daniel Craig is a better James Bond than Connery.

9. Cosmetic surgery is fine. Just don't let them near your eyes. Right Hoag?

10. Paying with cash during rush hour on the Turnpike is faster than FASTLANE, except on weekends.

11. My Mom was the nicest person I ever met. Wifey's Mom was more fun.

12. Tony Bennet couldn't carry Sinatra's toy train set.

13. Buying a pair of Levi's is the single easiest thing to do in life. There are NO surprises with Levi's. Unless you switch numbers. Stick with the 550s.

What have you learned? I'm sure you bitches will make stuff up....this I've learned.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Blog, James Blog

Okay so I've come up with a catchy title for today's blog.

Now I have to put my money where my mouth is (under my nose) and figure out why this blog is like James Bond.

001. We both have a license to kill. It's true.

002. We both bed the ladies.

003. We both are somehow tied to a Hoagy (Fleming's Bond was based on Hoagy Carmichael)

004. We both like it shaken and not stirred. So to speak.

005. Bond deals with Moneypenny. My honey asks me for money.

006. We both have dashing good looks. right? Right? I said RIGHT!!!?????

007. Bond villians and girls all have catchy names. I have Bacon Ace.

008. Bonds gun of choice is a Walther PPK. My step dads name was Walter.

009. Bond once fought a villian named Scaramanga. I sell manga and have a small scar on my chin.

This is the end of Goldenblog, but James Blog will return in:

For Your Blog Only

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Richard Lawless

He died the other day.

I never heard of him before. He was the cousin of a close friend of mine and I know that he was a great guy.

How do I know this?

Because my friend flew to Europe to attend his funeral.

You don't fly to Europe to attend funerals of dicks.

Unless their name is Richard.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

If the Presidential election was held today...

...who would you vote for?

1) Wally Cox

2) Charlie Weaver

3) Charles Nelson Reilly

4) Paul Lynne

5) Joan Rivers

6) Hillary Clinton

7. Jimmie 'JJ' Walker

8) Shields and Yarnell

9) Dom Delouise

10) Madam

Monday, June 11, 2007

Possibly racist statistics

a) 32% of all Jews skip breakfast.

b) 60% of all breakfast restaurants exclude Jews.

c) 44% of all West Germans have never skipped to work.

d) 33% of all New Zealanders have a small piece of spinach stuck in their teeth.

e) 80% of all Irishmen think we should give Ireland back to the Irish (whatever the hell that means)

f) 95% of all the water on earth is in Africa but Africans can only look to the right and all the water is on the left. Weird, huh?

g) Back in 1755 84% of all Canadians gathered together for one historic meeting and all they came up with was the word 'pelt'

h) 30% of folks from Finland have fins on their back yet 90% of them still can't swim.

i) 80% of rappers come from Iceland.

j) 2% of the people from India speak in deep, pleasant sounding voices.

k) 83% of the people in Russia sing it: "Back in the CCCP."

l) 40% of the people living in Chad refer to it as 'Jeremy'

m) 20% of the people living in Peter refer to it as 'Jordan'

n) 34% of the people living in Smoking in the Boysroom refer to it as "Ballroon Blitz"

The above stats are true.

Weird, huh?

Friday, June 08, 2007

a typical conversation with my puppy

ME: "Puppy!"

PUP: :wags tail:

ME: "g-owd-zide?"

PUP: :wags tail:

ME "g-owd-zide? g-owd-zide? g-owd-zide?"

PUP: :runs down hall with tail furiously wagging::

ME: "zats a gooood girl....zats a good girl"

ME: ::brings pup to newspaper strewn pee zone in garage::

PUP: :: runs in a tight controlled couterclockwise direction, squats, pees....sniffs around said pee"

ME: "Zats a gooood girl. Good girl."

PUP: :blank stare:

ME: :: tickles her belly as I carry her back in house:: "I'm. gonna. get. you. Gonna. get. you." ::more tickles on belly:::

PUP: (now inside house) :: smells where the pee comes from....licks same said area::

ME: ::tosses rope-toy down hallway:: "Go get it!"

PUP: ::indifferent stare::;

ME: "Go get it!!"

PUP: ::saunters toward water bowl::

ME: :sigh:

ME: ::Youze a good girl, Yes you are! Yes you are!::

WIFEY: "You're both creepy."

Thursday, June 07, 2007

If the shoe fits

I hate to just copy and paste a news story into the blog but this just cracked me up.

Notice the defense attorneys name. Seems fitting. I hope the guy gets off.

So to speak.

ATLANTA, Georgia (AP) -- A judge said Wednesday he'll rule by next week on the appeal of a man sentenced to 10 years in prison for having consensual oral sex with a 15-year-old girl when he was 17.
A lawyer for Genarlow Wilson, now 21, asked the appellate judge to throw out the aggravated child molestation sentence on the grounds it is grossly disproportionate to the crime.
Defense attorney B.J. Bernstein noted that state lawmakers passed a law to close the loophole that led to Wilson's sentence>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

My guest sermon

My pastor was sick and ask me to fill in for him. He also asked me to do it in the numbered list format that is so popular in forward thinking churches.

1. Motorcycle owners....make your bikes real REAL loud because people love that! Jesus himself would love that! ....That's sarcasm. we hate your loud motorcycle as it drives by....for a brief moment we want to kill you. Jesus himself would want to kill you. With his bare hands.

2. Waitresses across the planet.....just fill up our water glasses without asking. And stop hovering around my table. Spell invisible, Single Mother of Four.

3. Keep that damn kid quiet. As it says in the bible "No man should have to listen to your whiny brat of a kid" Jesus also said the exact words to his Apostles.

4. Vote for Hillary....burn in hell. It says so in the bible. See ANTI-CHRIST 3:17 or Corinthians something :12

5. Church builders...PUT SOME PADS ON THE STINKING PEWS! And stop calling them pews. They are uncomfortable benches. Now give us money.

6. Stop pretending that the phrase "You're fired." (made famous by Donald Trump) was ever an actual 'catch phrase'. It wasn't. You know it. I know it. Jesus knows it.

PASTOR: "Hey're fired"

IANO: "Jesus H. Christ....give me another chance...."

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Hangman for Hoag


The Diet Pepsi coin flip

Diet Pepsi has released a series of ads proclaiming that '56% of those polled say Diet Pepsi has more cola taste than Diet Coke'

Not it tastes better, but more cola taste.

56% is not a ringing endorsement when it comes to cola. What they are basically saying is that roughly half of the cola drinkers think Coke has more cola taste.

44% of Coca-Cola drinkers think Pepsi drinkers are girls.

And 62% of all cola drinkers of age, in the USA, won't vote for Hillary Clinton. Or Joe 'I'm out of my freakin' mind' Biden.

Sunday, June 03, 2007

The new Eric Clapton

I'm now into my 33rd season of watching the Boston Red Sox.

I've seen Yaz and Rice. I've seen Freddy Lynn, the Rooster, George Scott, Jose Canseco, Fisk, Boggs, Clemens, Pedro, Big Papi, Manny. I've seen Tom Seaver (if only for a few months) I've seen Oil Can. Hurst. Bill Lee. The Eck. Remdawg.

I've seen Luis Tiant and Curt Schilling. Johnny Damon and Denny Doyle. Dewey and Stan 'fucking' Papi.

I saw Tony C at the beginning of the 1975 season. I saw Bruno make the catch.

I saw the Stones at Fenway...front row. Twice.

I've seen 'em all.

But ya wanna know something?

Mike Lowell is the new Eric Clapton. (and they said Eric Clapton was God.)

Friday, June 01, 2007

My buddy the douchebag

So last night at buddy nite the Hoag finishes off his meal by ordering a cognac.

A cognac.

What a douche.