Monday, February 25, 2008

Let's sum up the Oscars (even though I didn't watch)

1. Jon Stewart was mildly amusing.

2. A bunch of the pictures nominated you've never heard of.

3. A bunch of the actors nominated you've never heard of.

4. They showed Jack Nicholson in the audience a few times. Most likely he was wearing sunglasses and laughing.

5. Johnny Depp was probably in the audience trying to look all sophisticated with glasses and interesting clothing.

6. If they showed Tommy Lee Jones there is a good chance that people all over the world recoiled and said: "Oh my god....he's so old and ugly!"

7. Someone won for some category that's dull and then proceeded to thank a bunch of folks you never heard of and then the music played them off.

8. Somebody accepting an award didn't quite understand how good microphones are and got way too close and hunchbacked while speaking into it. Hey Doofus! You don't have to do that! It can pick up your voice...just talk!!

9. When they showed the dead guys montage, Heath Ledger got the biggest applause. Nobody clapped for that assisstant gaffer from the 1950s.

10. People 'laughed' at 'jokes' about the ceremony going too long.

11. They showed Jack Nicholson again. He was still wearing sunglasses and laughing.

12. Gay folks wore red ribbons and cured AIDS. Al Gore sycophants wore green ribbons and cured "global warming"

13. Nothing for #13

14. Five horrible musical numbers were performed honoring the five nominated horrible best songs.

15. A star was a presenter and they somehow promoted his/her new movie with theme music from said new movie and or TV show.

16. A gorgeous actress presenter had to ruin her whole look by putting on goofy glasses to read her two lines off the teleprompter...instead of just memorizing them BECAUSE SHE'S AN ACTRESS AND IS SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO MEMORIZE LINES!!!!

17. Johnny Carson or Billy Crystal would have done a better job hosting.

18. There were seven jewish jokes. Most of them about agents and lawyers.

19. The best picture probably sucked. The best actor probably sucked. The best actress was probably British.

20. I watched episodes of HEROES on dvd....

16 comments:

cousin saul said...

"And the best actress oscar goes to: ( long pause) some french woman from a stupid french movie that no one saw."
Get your own awards foreign film stars!!!! Get off of our show!!! This is probably the ONLY chance our poor Hollywood celebrities will ever have to get some TV face-time!...oh wait...maybe I'm mistaken.

cousin saul said...

It's apparent that movies are no longer made for me. I guess I'm just getting too old. This year, I had only seen one of the nominated films...( Juno...don't ask!...another "gift" to my wifey )

Tex said...

you Totally forgot #21 & 22.

Best Dressed and Worse Dressed!!! Thats WHY we watch those shows to see what they're wearing. MEN!!

I Ain't No Oprah said...

21. Best dressed award went to the fool in the Armani thing.

22. Worst dressed award went to the fool in the Armani thing.

Redbeard76 said...

Any translucent dresses this year? I only saw the beginning of the show.

I never really noticed Katherine Heigl before, although I loved Knocked Up, but last night she looked positively Betty Grable-esque. (Yes that's a good thing).

cake said...

::shrinks into the corner, looking embarrassed::

I watched the whole thing cuz Jon Stewart was really funny and I was hoping Juno would win cuz the star is a sweetheart of a gal from Halifax.

I know, I'm a loser.

Syphillis said...

I found your popular blog by accident and I need your help. I am a single mom of 9 lovely children looking for help this Christmas. I work 3 jobs to provide for my kids as none of their 8 dads give me any support and I'm too proud to take them to court when they are released from prison or rehab. My youngest 4 ages 2-6 are children with simple tastes, cars, trucks, sports things and any trading cards, plus they love small pets, hamsters, gerbils, rats, fish or turtles would be great. The 4 girls Laquesha, Lasmeasha, Lapeasha and Ethel are into clothes, movies, 8 tracks and video games that they can play on their Atari. My oldest daughter 16 and sweetest 1 would rather provide presents for her 3 kids, ages 1-5 yrs old, so anything age appropriate would be great for her kids. Her father, brother, bf { yes the same man}, doesn't help out much, so she`d appreciate anything you could give. I just want to make this a great Christmas for my little ones who really deserve it. Thanks to all who can help and God Bless you all.

cake said...

Dear Syphillis:

If there was an Oscar for Particularly Hilarious Spam...you would certainly win.

Love,
Cake

Syphillis said...

Cake,
This is not blog-spam. It's actually a cry for help. I'm just axing for some help.

Horroru said...

The only part of the Oscars worth watching:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23325875/

P.S. I'm jealous, as I'd love to grab an annoyed Jennifer Garner...

Tex said...

Dear Syphillis,

just reading between the lines here, but perhaps you should plan better. accidents dont just happen.

signed,

loudmouthed Texan

cake said...

Dear Syphillis,

I have some leftover cold tea and half a rice krispy square if you think that'd help? Let me know!

Love,
Cake

rat said...

I didn't get an Oscar this year, either...I'm very bitter.

jed said...

Hey yah Syphillis...are yah hot cause I'm a-lookin' for a second wife, yah know...ah can feed you n the young uns right nice, too. Specially if theys like possum.

Anonymous said...

See You Next Tuesday!

David'Z RantZ said...

Don't feel bad, Cousin Saul, I didn't see any of the nominated films this time around. But Juno? Isn't that in Alaska? Is that the one starring Cuba Gooding, Jr., the communist?