Thursday, February 28, 2008

Someone sent me this Jesus/God/Satan oneliner list

And I feel compelled to make fun of it. It's God's will. Or Smith's Will. Or Will Robinson's will.



Or something.



1. Give God what's right -- not what's left.



2. Man's way leads to a hopeless end -- God's way leads to an endless hope.



3. A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.



4. He who kneels before God can stand before anyone.



5. In the sentence of life, the devil may be a comma--but never let him be the period.



6. Don't put a question mark where God puts a period.



7. Are you wrinkled with burden? Come to the church for a face-lift.



8. When praying, don't give God instructions - just report for duty.



9. Don't wait for six strong men to take you to church.



10. We don't change God's message -- His message changes us.



11. The church is prayer-conditioned.



12. When God ordains, He sustains.



13. WARNING: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning.



14. Plan ahead -- It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.



15. Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory position.



16. Suffering from truth decay? Brush up on your Bible.



17. Exercise daily -- walk with the Lord.



18. Never give the devil a ride -- he will always want to drive.



19. Nothing else ruins the truth like stretching it.



20. Compassion is difficult to give away because it keeps coming back.



21. He who angers you controls you.



22. Worry is the darkroom in which negatives can develop.



23. Give Satan an inch & he'll be a ruler.



24. Be ye fishers of men -- you catch them & He'll clean them.



25. God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.



26. Read the Bible -- It will scare the hell out of you.

I was gonna make comments and goofs on each and every one of these but it would have made this blog ten times longer than this is already and it's already longer than anything ever and I'm starting to fall asleep. Here are my Cliff Notes versions of what I would have put down.

#3 and #4 were gonna be Monica Lewinsky and Bill Clinton jokes,

#1 was gonna be a Lima Bean joke,

#2 was gonna be a Brooke Shields joke,

#5 was gonna be a EXCLAMATION MARK!!,

#6 was going to ditto #5,

#7 was going to be in the voice of Pee-Wee Herman forgetting to laugh,

Nothing for #8,

Nine was gonna be a cremation joke,

#10 was gonna be a vote for Obama cuz he's all about change,

#11 was gonna get vomited on cuz it's so bad,

I have no clue what #12 even means. Religious freaks!,

I kinda like #13...it's just well written,

#14 somehow made me nod my head,

Nothing for #15,

Is god so clever and witty that he'd like #16? I think not.,

#17...why would God walk?

I'm guessing the devil has a nice car. Fast one...a red one. It's got the number 18 on it's door.

#19? stupid.

#20 is stupid.

#21 is stupid and I'm getting bored with the Lord.

#22 God must love the puns. I'm pretty much hating them.

#23 basically says that Satan is 11 inches tall.

#24 "Ace abortion...you rape 'em, we scrape 'em" That's kinda what #24 sounds like. Or something.

#25 has me drifting off.

#26 is actually quite good. I wish I wrote #26 myself.

So To Sum Up:
God good. Satan bad. Hillary is a bitch.

24 comments:

god said...

Snzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

satan said...

::yawn::

I Ain't No Oprah said...

::yawn:: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

cake said...

Sweet gawd that was boring.

(And "The church is prayer-conditioned" has actually made me queasy...::gag::)

peeved reader said...

I wish there was a union I could complain to about this post.

hillary said...

See you next Tuesday!

Redbeard76 said...

Rule #29: If you have to scroll down more than 3 times, your post is too long. Verbotten!

cake said...

But, Redbeard, think of the amusement we're gonna get out of making fun of him all day!

I Ain't No Oprah said...

I was just doing the Lord's work....don't be blaming me!

Redbeard76 said...

exactement. My way of taking the mick. Carry on.

the beatles said...

You've got more long boring posts than Jesus.

Lois Lane said...

::puts on sunglasses, jumps into police car, drives around blog like a maniac, crashes into display of buffalo wing scented packing tape::

I'm on a mission from God!

Redbeard76 said...

ooh look, an orange julius.

cake said...

Dear God:

Please forgive me for the company I keep.

::stubs toe::

GODDAMMIT!

Wait, oh sh*t...Jesus Christ that hurt...no, wait, is this thing still on!? CRAP.

::sound of tape recorder being dropped and then turned off::

Bruce said...

Christ allmighty!

Syphillis said...

Don't you be makin' fun of de Lord!

jed said...

Ah love the lord for He brought me the possum and the raccoon and He squished them with His cars for mah dinner!

heavy helen said...

God made me fat...I hate him.

Sparkle Plenty said...

whoo-whoo plugh gnash goo-goo *bzip-bzip* *bam* fip *clap-chatter*

cake said...

Sparkle:

(fwink-fwink) mash! umph skritch jonk toot oomph whoing pish-te-cuff whoing pish-te-cuff!

Sparkle Plenty said...

Cake:

*joh-plonk* och-aye *blug!* kritch *BAAARP-PIFFLE* purrr! eee-eee-eee ock eee-eee-eee ock

cake said...

I think maybe we scared everyone else off, Sparkle.

Or maybe they're all still asleep from the post today...what was it again? ::goes to check::

Oh, right...::face hits keyboard:: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

motheragawd said...

He's dead to me.

~Hugahig in de nort' countree said...

So we're driving through Arkansas the other week, and we have to stop for gas.

The exit has three of those huge gas station signs.

Two of the stations are boarded up.
I've never seen a boarded up highway gas station.

The third station has an unpaved lot.
I haven't seen a dirt lot gas station since 1959.

My boy goes into the station to score some grub.
He reports that they have BLTs, about ten of them, being kept warm under heat lamps.

We decide it's best to get the hell out of there.

Especially after reading the warning on the gas pump:

NOTICE: FAILURE TO
BELIEVE IN GOD
MAY RESULT IN LOSS OF
ARKANSAS DRIVER'S PERMIT


Good bye Arkansas. We ain't gonna stop until we hit Texas.

~Hugahig in de nort' countree