Thursday, March 20, 2008

Random Bible thoughts on Easter Week

So you go into most folks homes and they have a bible. Maybe even two or three.

And you know what's weird? Most of them are in pristine condition. (usually in Catholic households)

Which means one of two things: They're either very careful when reading them or they never read them at all.

Now most of you that know me, know that I'm not religious. But I've read the bible. I read it like a book. A history book. I started at the beginning and read it right thru. Once.

The first half reads like fiction. I think the second half is supposed to be non-fiction.

The first half (the made up stuff) is all sci-fi-ey with folks living until they're 800 years old and powerful beings creating stuff (and resting and stuff)....probably some dinosaurs in there and some begottin' and some beholdin'

And then you get to the important part of the book.

The Jesus parts.

And it's all blah blah blah LOVE blah blah blah LOVE blah blah blah LOVE blah blah blah LOVE.

And that gets boring. I'd rather be with my wife or kids or friends whom I ummmm....LOVE. Crap. (and when I say LOVE my friends, that means the female friends. The guy friends, I like)

Or maybe watch some TV shows and movies and read me some books which I ummmmmmm....uhhhh....LOVE.

But the Bible keeps talking about Love this one and Love that one (I'd swear the Bible was writin' by the Beatles or something)
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And don't you hope that one day they'll find all those missing chapters of the Bible when Jessie was a teenager and flirtin' with chicks and causing mischief. God don't want ya seeing those years. The Christ was wild. I think.

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And then when you do go into someone's home that has a well read beat up Bible, it's got like thirty little pieces of paper bookmarking different passages.

Can't these people remember what they've read? Why don't they just read the whole thing again...from start to finish? You know, because it's a book. With a beginning, a middle, and an end.

I love the STAND by Stephen King but I don't just read the Tunnel scene over and over again....I read the whole book. Cuz It's great and I love it. Just like Jesus told me. (Now I want to read the tunnel scene...crap)

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One more thing about the Bible.

For folks that don't want to spend a lot of money:

Whenever you get invited to a wedding, give the bride and groom a new Bible that they won't read. They'll think how special it is is and it'll only set you back $20.00 or so. And nobody would dare call you a cheap bastard.

You gave them a Bible that they'll Love not reading!

40 comments:

Anonymous said...

While you were reading, we were out here having hot buttered corn !

Redbeard76 said...

::high-fives IANO::

I've been throwing out my bibles for lent. How's that? I could be burning them but I couldn't be bothered with all the mess.

K. James said...

I send my bibles to guys named Gideon that I see in the phone book.

jesus loves you in de nort' countree said...

Why do I have the feeling that Iano ordered the wrong thing, and instead of there being 50 copies of "Horny Biker Sluts", there's 50 Bibles down at the olde shoppe today?

Only $20 folks!
Grab them while you can!

I Ain't No Oprah said...

In the Bible they call it Holy Biker Sluts.

cake said...

Way to spoil the Bible's good parts for me...and here I was saving it to read over my weekend while I was busy not being dead.

::throws Bible across the room and sulks::

Anonymous said...

How odd... Burt Ward used to call 'em the same thing.

-- Lamont "Sidekicks Are For Losers!" Cranston

p pig said...

Matthew:, Luke:, John:, and Burt Ward??

Redbeard76 said...

The Fool on the Hill with the cross

I Ain't No Oprah said...

Psalmthing

riki tiki tavi said...

Matthew's Silver Hammer

The Ballad of John

I Am The Savior

Back In the L.U.K.E.

I Ain't No Oprah said...

I'll Follow The Son

Everybody's Got Something To Hide Except Me and My Messiah

Hey Judas

David'Z RantZ said...

He'll Be Back

Little Christ Child

Adam & Eve's Garden

Resurrection 9

With a Little Help from My Disciples

Thank You God

You Can't See Me

Across the Universe That I Made

If I Fell (from Heaven)

Not a Second Tithe

Fixing a Soul

I Ain't No Oprah said...

David Rantz! Nicely played!

Joe Doherty said...

"across the universe that i made"...hahahahahaaaa

jed said...

Old Brown Sandal

Six Days A Week (and then rested)

Everybody's Trying To Be My Baby Jesus

Do You Want To Know A Revelation?

Happiness is a Warm Manger

Mary My Dear

You Never Give Me Your Frankincense

cake said...

- Baby You're an Omnipotent Man
- I Want You (She's so Virginal)
- I've Just Seen His Face (In the Plaster Drying in my Hallway...Quick, Call Foxnews!)
- Mary My Dear
- Ob-la-di, Ob-laaaaamen

jed said...

Dear Cake,

You just stole one of mine, Loser.

cake said...

Dear Jed:

CRAP, I typed too slow!

corky said...

Mary My Dear

corky said...

Mary my dear

corky said...

Mary My Dear

corky said...

Mary My Dear

Thick tongued tard said...

Mary My Dear

corky said...

Mary My Dear

rain man said...

Mary My Dear

cake said...

::grabs Corky, nails him up on a cross::

fredo corleone said...

Mary My Dear

ed norton said...

Mary My Dear

Barney Rubble said...

Mary My Dear

cake said...

*grabs Rain Man, nails him up on cross too*

Who's next?

Vinnie Barbarino said...

Mary My Dear

your Doctor said...

Mary My Dear

Sgt. Schultz said...

Mary My Dear

Gilligan said...

Mary My Dear

cake said...

*calls in the Roman Army*

Just nail 'em all up, wouldja?

cake said...

Goes to show, all ya need are some hammers and nails to put a rebellion down.

::wipes hands, wanders off to find some dope::

David'Z RantZ said...

IANO: Thanks. I'm finally getting better at this game. But I wish I'd been the one to come up with "Psalmthing."

Jed: Stealing from you doesn't make Cake a loser. It makes her a sinner. Stay on topic, willya?

HEY! Got three more:

1) Your Father DOES Know

2) While My Shofar Gently Weeps

3) Mary My Dear

cake said...

HA! David'z win'z best comment of the day!

Redbeard76 said...

Jesus walks into a hotel. He gives the clerk a couple nails and asks him "Could you put me up for the night?"