Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Why Jews don't eat pork.

(I saw those eyes roll!)

I'm gonna tell you why Jews don't eat pork. It should be riveting.

Years and years ago there was This Jew who was a friend of The Jesus and right before The Jesus was about to be killed This Jew ran out from the crowd screaming:

"No Kill Jesus! No Kill Jesus!" (That's how they talked back then)

But they did anyhow (but that's another story for later this week)

So over the years the story got passed down about the Brave Jew who tried to stop the murder of Jesus.

But the guy passing down the story was partially dyslexic and it got translated as: "No Llik Susej, No Llik Susej."

Which sounded like: "No lick sausage, no lick sausage!"

And the Jews obeyed the message.

And that my friends is why Jews don't eat pork (which is stupid because pork is bacon, sauasage, ham, and baby back ribs...and why wouldn't you want to eat those? !)

22 comments:

Lois Lane said...

Now *you're* on the dope, ain't ya?

pervert said...

There's a joke in there somewhere...

Redbeard76 said...

Mary Magdalene liked Jesus' pork.

cake said...

Can't you just picture him driving to work and coming up with these things and giggling to himself? I bet the other cars give the crazy laughing man a wiiiiiide berth...

cake said...

p.s.
How come everyone gets dope but me? No fair!

I Ain't No Oprah said...

I don't 'come up with things'...I report facts.

Redbeard76 said...

Not unlike Fox News.

cake said...

Your pants are on fire!

cake said...

Err, and that was directed at IANO not you, Redbeard. Heh!

David'Z RantZ said...

So, if the story had been passed down verbally long enough to bypass the dyslexic guy, the Jews would be able to eat ham for their Easter dinners, just like the Christians?

(No, wait, something about that is still not right... )

Anonymous said...

NoOprah is mostly right, of course: There are a few facts we don't tell the outsiders, but he's got the bulk of the story correct.

I can't wait to hear his version of how circumcision became an embedded practice... and no, the phrase "No lick sausage" has nothing to do with it.

-- Lamont "Briskin" Cranston

blasphemer said...

What if the Beatles wrote about Jesus?

- Carry That Weight
- Here Comes the Son
- Back on the C.R.O.S.S.
- Everybody's Got Something to Hide Except Me and my Judas (Oh, Wait...)
- I'm Happy Just to Crucify with Jew

P. pig said...

I think the Beatles would love to sing about pork.

a) Baby Back Ribs in The U.S.S.R.

b) I Wanna Be Your Ham

c) Get Bacon

d) Eleanor Ribby

e) I Am The Pork Chop

f) Let It BBQ

Anonymous said...

Cranston's a Jew?

Anonymous said...

Dear Anonymous:

It was "Cranstonberg" in the old country.

And we only had one television set for the entire village. Without cable or satellite, I might add.

-- Lamont "Shtetl As It Goes" Cranston

Lois Lane said...

All Jew Need Is Love....

David'Z RantZ said...

Do Jews Want to Know a Secret?

This Goy

She Loves Jews

My Son the Doctor, Robert

You've Got to Hide the Franks Away

Can't Buy Me Love... but I Can Rent It to You Cheap

warning, very racist jokes said...

Mocky Raccoon

For the Benefit of Mister Kike

Tex said...

late to the party but always willing to share

::passes stash to Cake::

redbeard, you're going to hell along with IANO

hungry mcwaitingfortakeout said...

p.s. What's a "sauasage"?

Big Moishe from de nort' countree said...

IANO, you stupid slut.

"No Llik Susej" has nothing to do with pork .

It's why Jews didn't eat raw fish, even long after that silly pork nonsense.

No. Like. Sushi.

As far as the pork thing goes, that's just good ol' Jehovah playing one of his pranks on his Chosen People again.

He's got two basic themes:

THIS IS GOOD.
YOU CAN'T HAVE ANY.


And his all-time fave (and when I say "all-time" I mean all time):

PARTY TIME! I DIDN'T HAVE ALL OF YOU KILLED.

~Big Moishe from de nort' countree

Redbeard76 said...

Just fine with me, since I don't believe in hell. No such thing. I ain't scared.