Friday, May 16, 2008

If you won the lottery....

First off, let me tell you about one of my rules.

Don't tell me about what you'll do with the money IF you win the lottery.

I don't care.

That being said, a guy comes in and tells me this story.

It seems he (Bob) and his pal (Dave) were sitting around discussing winning the huge lottery prize that's up for grabs.

And Bob tells Dave that if he wins the 100 million dollars that he'll give 1 million of it to Dave.

And Dave gets kinda mad that Bob is only going to give him 1 million out of his imaginary 100 million win.

And these two go back and forth and getting angry at each other over what Bob should give Dave (if of course, Bob wins)

My solution was for Dave to pretend that he was the winner instead of letting Bob pretend he was the winner.

Lottery Piltdown Men.

15 comments:

cake said...

If I won the lottery, I'd buy a plane ticket, fly down there, and tell you everything I was gonna do with my lottery winnings.

And I'd maybe buy you a Coke or something, too.

cake said...

p.s.
Also, rules are for chumps!

Lois Lane said...

WHEN (not IF) I win the lottery, I'm going to buy Cake a plane so she can fly down and tell you what I'm going to do with my winnings.

I may also buy Canada--I'll just give it to Cake. I mean, what the hell would I do with Canada? I don't even know where I'd put it.

cake said...

Lois:
I can't wait for my new plane!

But maybe you'd better buy me a pilot, too, if it's not too much trouble.

p.s.
Your comment was very Steven Wright. ::buys a postcard with a picture of the earth on it, writes, "Wish you were here.", mails it to IANO::

David'Z RantZ said...

I don't buy lottery tickets, so it's kinda pointless for me to predict what I'll do with the money if I win.

However, I've seen so damned many so-called "sports pubs," I would open a "NON-Sports Pub," which would have a big sign out front saying:

NO Pool Table!
NO TV!
NO Football Pools!
NO KENO!
NO Dartboard!
NO Playing Cards!
NO FOOLIN'!


I'd also open a chain of gyms for people who are only just now deciding to get in shape, so all the patrons (or whatever you call gym members) would be overweight or otherwise out of shape, and wouldn't be embarrassed by the toned and fit patrons they have in regular gyms. Once you started looking really good, you'd have to join another gym.

And if I had enough money left over, I'd buy Canada, but I'd chop it up and send the appropriate parts to either England or France, ending their national identity crisis once and for all. And if Cake didn't want to go to England or France, I'd give her (and Mr. Cake) a monthly stipend so they could move in with Lois and pay for room & board. That way, the next time Cake says she's gonna meet me at IANO's nerd store, she can actually do it without being able to use the distance as her excuse when she pulls a no-show.

Well, you asked.

Oh, crap, actually, you didn't ask. Oops. Sorry.

Forget I said anything.

heavy helen said...

If I won the lottery, I'd buy a buffet restaurant.

cake said...

David'Z:
The main problem with your plan is that nobody would want Quebec.

Well, except Montréal...everyone wants Montréal. But the rest of Quebec would end up cut loose in a sea of poutine and French cursing.

David'Z RantZ said...

Cake: But the rest of my plan for Canada makes perfect sense? Chopping it into sections, sending it to England and France... [crosses Cake's name off the proposed Planning Committee list]

cake said...

Well, I wouldn't say perfect sense...but I'm eager to see you try it.

p.s.
Lois/Jayne: It seems I'm going to be staying with one of you two fine ladies. Please stock up on the infrastructure, I'll bring the movies and snacks.

Joe Doherty said...

When I win the lottery I'd make sure you got to be a guest on Oprah.

Sparkle Plenty said...

I hope I never win the lottery; I don't wanna have to try to figure out how much to give Bob and Dave.

Jayne said...

I'd buy us all a communal blog, where we can throw pies at each other.

It wouldn't actually cost me anything, so in real terms I get to keep all the money.

Anonymous said...

If I won the lottery I would give $1 million to IANO!

Lover said...

I'm buying Oprah one of those season ticket lottery tickets so that we can listen to what HE'D do with his winnings...week after week after week.

And being a chump, the next time I see cake in a long line, I'm cuttin' in front.

cake not signed in said...

Dear Lover:

If I don't have my eyes crossed, you won't be able to pick me out of a line. Neener!