Sunday, May 18, 2008

John Kerry: Doctor of Laws

This is gonna be long and disjointed.

You've been warned.

So I'm at my daughter's graduation Saturday and the college presented John Kerry with some phony-baloney degree "Doctor of Laws".

And then he gave the commencement address.

First off I should correct myself....he's not ACTUALLY John Kerry. He's Kerry's Monster. Folks always think the Monster's name is Kerry, when in fact it's the name of the guy that built him from parts of rotting corpses.

Back to the commencement.

So the Monster is sitting on the stage before his speech and talking to the guy next to him and yawning, and tugging at his eyebrows and twitching and just being all Monstery and stuff.

And then he gets up to speak. He slowly walks to the podium. (I swear I heard shrieks of horror)

And his voice is all sore and raspy...and this is what he says:

"This is literally the first time today I opened my mouth."

AND RIGHT THERE I KNEW HE WAS A LYING, SEWN TOGETHER CORPSE!

I saw this douchebag speaking and opening his lying mouth a half hour before he began his speech. BUT HE SAID IT WAS LITERALLY THE FIRST TIME!.

Idiot.

Monsters are liars. Monsters are stupid. And this particular Monster lost to George W. Bush.

If you think the Kerry Monster is ugly on TV, you should see him in person. :::the willies::

Though to be fair I will say he had a certain charm and charisma. His speech was kinda fun, if not just full of Bush bashing and old recycled jokes ("Obama wears boxers and briefs, when someone asked John McCann what he wore he replied "depends."....humourous a little, but the same joke was used with Bob Dole years ago)

He also mentioned American Idol, The Rolling Stones, Bob Dylan and global warming.

And then at some point he was handed a note. He finished his speech and bolted out the side door.

Turns out he had to rush himself to Mass. General Hospital because his pal, Teddy Kennedy had some kinda seizure and now that he was a 'Doctor of Laws' he must have thought he could be of some help.

Or something.

So to sum up.

It's the Monster.

He's hideous.

He lies.

He has more charisma than one might think.

He operated on Ted Kennedy.

3 comments:

cake not signed in said...

This story would've been better if the Monster had sang and danced to "Puttin' on the Ritz" at the end.

Just sayin'.

David'Z RantZ said...

Wow, thanks for clearing that up. Like most people, I've been calling him "John Kerry" all along ('cause everyone else does), but I thought his real name was "Kerry's Munster." I mean, just look at the man. The whole Fred Gwynne thing is overwhelming, innit?

cake said...

Why's it so quiet around here? Everyone at the hospital visiting Kennedy?