Thursday, January 31, 2008

More on mud cookies (with a touch of Peter Brady thrown in)

So yesterday we discussed what is going on down in Haiti with people so poor that they've resorted to eating cookies made out of mud just to satify their hunger pangs.

Last nightI was gonna stop on my way home and have steaks but really started feeling kinda guilty about the whole thing so I stopped and had turkey and stuffing and mashed potatoes and corn (lots of salt) and one of those biscuit things instead of a steak. And folks think I can be an unfeeling Republican. HA! In your face!

But the whole situation IS sad. Kids are starving. They're poor. They're hungry.

But do they also have to be stupid?

If I'm living in Haiti and am starving and am about to eat mud and dirt well believe you me I'm gonna be making me Mud Steaks and Mud Pancakes. Maybe some Mud Tacos....Mud McDonald's Hash Browns (those would be AWESOME!)....maybe a Mud lasagana. Mudghetti and Mudballs. I'm gonna be dining like a King in the best little mud Restaurant on the island (Haiti is an island, correct?)

Not that there is anything wrong with mud cookies....but kids being kids always want to fill up on junk food before dinner.

As a starving kids parent I'd make sure that my little VoodooValerie was getting all of the basic food groups first:

1. dry dirt.

2. gravel fortified soil

3. pebbles n' clay

4. and of course natural mud.

5. And whatever other mud groups there are. (I can't find the dirt pyramid)

Mud cookies. Are these kids really that dumb? Make a freakin' Mud Reese's Cup (it's the most popular of the mud candies)

So To Sum Up:
Mud Chops and Applesauce.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

On my way home tonight I'm gonna stop for a steak.

>>>>>>PORT-AU-PRINCE, Haiti (Jan. 29) - It was lunchtime in one of Haiti's worst slums, and Charlene Dumas was eating mud.With food prices rising, Haiti's poorest can't afford even a daily plate of rice, and some take desperate measures to fill their bellies.<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

That was in the news today.

>>>>>Charlene, 16 with a 1-month-old son, has come to rely on a traditional Haitian remedy for hunger pangs: cookies made of dried yellow dirt<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

So was that.

>>>>>Though she likes their buttery, salty taste, Charlene said the cookies also give her stomach pains.<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<,,

And that.

>>>>Marie Noel, 40, sells the cookies in a market to provide for her seven children. Her family also eats them.<<<<<<<<<<<<

And that.

So to sum up.

Folks are eatin' mud cookies and I'm gonna eat steak and mashed potatoes. Something is wrong.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

"Beetle named after Rock Legend"

That was the story in the paper (internet) today.

A beetle. A bug. Some kinda new found beetle was named after a Rock Legend.

A Rock Legend.

Now if I discover some new rare kinda beetle and wanna name it after a "Rock legend" my first thought is to name the "beetle" know....a Beatle. A Rock legend.

Or why even bother?

Turns out the douche that wasted half his life searching for this 'rare beetle' named it after Roy Orbison.

A rock legend.

As dumb as that is I almost half expected this idiot to name it after the 'rock legend' Quartz. Or Shale. Or some other rock legend. Clever these bug and rock guys can be.

Or something.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Just a hunch.

So I'm driving down the Mass. Pike and I notice this car (mini-van) in front of me and it has a bumper sticker on the back proudly proclaiming "My Daughter Is In The U.S. Army."

So to sum up:
The driver of the car (mini-van) has an ugly daughter.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Dear South Carolina...ABC ABC ABC

We all know what that stands for, correct?

You don't?

Then let me tell you.

It stands for:

Anybody But Hillary.





(mountain tops)

Friday, January 25, 2008

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Goodnight, Dear.

So the other night I'm getting ready to go to bed (Wifey was staying up) and she was sitting on the couch.

I approach her to give her a kiss goodnight when all of a sudden she holds her palm out like a STOP sign and says:

"NO! Your hair is sticking up!"

My hair is sticking up and now I can't kiss my wife goodnight???

What part of Planet Retard is she living on?

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

R.I.P. The Joker/ Heath Ledger

:::squeezes the imaginary money I was gonna make from that movie:::

I look like Doug Flutie

The other night Bob the Drunk is sitting next to me and tells me I look like Doug Flutie.

No big deal.

The next night I'm out with Wifey and the waiter tells me I look like Doug Flutie.
Two nights in a row.

Now for a good part of the 1980s and 1990s folks used to tell my buddy Hoag that HE looked like Doug Flutie.

Point of the Story:Hoag looks like the young good looking Doug Flutie. I look like the old long in the tooth ugly Doug Flutie.

Monday, January 21, 2008

I Have A Dream

See, today is Martin Luther King day and I wanted to copy and paste the I HAVE A DREAM speech in here and then doctor it all up and make it funny and witty and stuff.

But then I read it and the thing just goes on and on and on and on and on....


Dear Martin Luther King,



I'll sum up the speech:

Stop treating people so crappy.


That's all he needed to say. Mountain tops.....

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Friday, January 18, 2008

Bob The Drunk

So last night me, The Hoag, and the Blonde were out on Buddy Nite. We had dinner and talked a bit.

It was still early when the restaurant closed up and we still had some National Security issues to discuss so we decided to go a few miles down the road to another place to finish up.

We get there and sit on a L shaped part of the bar. Me by myself , Hoag and the Blonde on the other part of L. This way we can all see each other and talk.

All of a sudden this guy in his 50s comes staggering in drunk to the world. Loud. Slurrin'. And he sits right next to me. He tells me his name is Bob.

Did I mention he was loud and slurrin'? And his name was Bob.

He looked a bit like Hugh Hefner. I told him so. His name was Bob.

And then all of a sudden in this booming loud voice he points to The Hoag and says: "HEY!!! HE HAS POOFY HAIR!"

Two things you need to know. Hoag does have poofy hair. Wifey says he has Lyle Lovett hair.

In life we have certain special moments. Our weddings....when our kids are born.....when the Red Sox win the World Series etc.

Drunken loud slurrin' guys bellowing out that Hoag has poofy hair now goes in that drawer.

Poofy hair.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

FDA approves cloned meat

Hopefully they'll approve the cloned pancakes... PDQ.

That Would Be A Hoot

Yesterday I mentioned my puppy. Well, said puppy is 'paper trained' (kinda) and goes out to the garage and does her business on newspapers.

But we don't get newspapers anymore because we read all of our news online.

But we still need the newspapers for Puppy's business, so Wifey usually takes the newspapers out of the neighbors recycle bin and the Puppy uses those.

You see what's coming, correct?

Now what happens when the neighbors start getting all of THEIR news online? Will Puppy start crapping on their computer?

Man O' Man....I sure hope so. It's why we have the expression "That would be a hoot."

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

True story, swear to god.

So last night I'm kneeling down to say goodnight to my puppy and I'm pattin' her head and scratchin' behind her ears and stuff.

And when I get up I notice my zipper was down so I zipped it back up.

Right about then Wifey says to me in horror:

"Was she licking you!!???"

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

"Don't make me no nevermind"

I said that to someone yesterday.

Then I googled it "don't make me no nevermind"

And the first thing to pop up was a website devoted to 'Hillbilly Speak'

It means: I don't care.

And somehow I knew that. When did I learn to speak like a hillbilly?

Does it bother me?

Don't make me no nevermind.

Point of the story:

I really don't care.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Mumbles, Fines, Snow, Doppler, and Nazis

First off I'd like to thank Doctor Nazi for helping out on the blog this weekend. Hopefully he'll join us again.

And now to my

Big snowstorm hitting the Boston area today. Here are a few of the stupid things I heard on the 'news' today:

First from Mayor Mumbles Menino of Boston: "We urge all business to close today so the road crews can do a proper job and everyone can be safe at home. Two hours after the snow ends business sidewalks MUST be shoveled or you will be fined!"


And then the weather guy on channel 7: "We have reports that in Natick 2 1/4" just fell in the last 45 minutes....the snow is falling at a rate of an inch an hour."


And then how about the reporter doing her story from the side of the road: "The snow is really coming down."


If only Doctor Nazi was in charge of Boston and all weather related reports.

Point of the story:
The roads are fine. It might look bad outside from your house, but it's pretty easy getting around today.

Friday, January 11, 2008

Ask A Nazi

Enough with Hilllary week.

We found a NAZI to answer YOUR questions! He not only is a Doctor, but a father, champion bowler, and all around good guy.

He'il answer just about anything.

An example:

Q: "Why do hummingbirds flap their wings so fast?"

DOCTOR NAZI: "Because they're not jews."

See how simple that is?

Another example:

Q: "When should I teach my son to ride a bicycle?"

DOCTOR NAZI: "As soon as a jew opens a bike shop near you....that way the bike is free"

So fire away and ASK DOCTOR NAZI*

* the views of Doctor Nazi are his and his alone. IANO is an equal opportunity hate monger.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Possible nicknames for Hilllary (if she wins and I kill myself).

1. Madman President

2. The Commander In Queif

3. Bleeder of the Free World

4. Ugliest man president EVER.

5. Shrillary


I can't finish.....just the idea of her winning has me suicidal.

Or hungry.

Or something.

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

A Vote For Hilllary Is A Vote For Hitler

Not really.

Today's tips for Hilllary:

1. Lose the cackle.

2. Lose the cankles.

3. Stop shrieking.

4. Have surgery to remove your penis.

5. Look at a mirror (it'll keep you from looking at a camera...YOU'RE HIDEOUS!)

6. Put down Chelsea....that dog needs to be put to sleep.

7. Say the word CHANGE. ONE. MORE. TIME.

8. Stop mentioning your '35 years of experience'....I could pick out a trailer and a china pattern in about 20 minutes.

9. Don't smile truly freak folks out.

10. Be a good loser.

Monday, January 07, 2008

DIAL Z for Irish Spring

Probably the biggest issue of the day and nobody talks about it.

Are we afraid? Embarrassed?

Is it someone else's problem?

Should the government expose this for what it is? Should they help those that need the help?

Each year this seems to become a bigger and bigger problem. Especially in America. I'm not sure if this is as prevalent in other countries.

What am I talking about you ask?

I'm talking about soap commercials on TV.

They either show a smiling guy in the shower from the waist up washing his chest with a bar of soap in hand.


They show a smiling pretty woman from the top part of her breast up, washing her arms.

So what is the problem??

The problem is clear.... the soap companies think men are doing something that makes their chests filthy that they need a scrubbin' every day and women are doing something horrible that makes their arms filthy.

Do women not get filthy chests? Are men arms always clean?

My chest has NEVER been dirty, yet each day like some Madison Avenue Drone I wash my chest. My "filthy, filthy" chest.

And you Stepford Sheep broads probably spend way too much time scrubbing your "dirty" arms.

I think it's time for a role reveral on this. Broads...start washing your stink filled chests and Dudes....wash your feces encrusted arms.

It'll make us all feel Zestfully good.

Friday, January 04, 2008

Thursday, January 03, 2008

And you thought 9/11 "victims" had it bad...

So last night I go to bed around 10:00 and I'm sound asleep when all of a sudden at around 11:30 my cell phone starts vibrating all across the table next to my bed.

Not only did it wake me up, it woke Wifey up.

It was a text message from Hoag telling me Lettermen now has a beard!

Never forget. Never forget. 1/2/08.....the horror.....the horror.

(I doubt the government will give me compensation for the lost sleep.)

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Paul McCartney has heart surgery


It's almost too easy, huh? But I'll resist.

Should I mention how sick of ham and cookies I am? Cuz I'm sick of ham and cookies. I ate ham 8 straight days. I don't remember the last day I didn't eat cookies. Ham and cookies.

Should I tell you about the chocolates someone gave me? There were maybe 8 chocolates in this Christmas Tree shaped candy holder tray thingy. And I ate the 8 chocolates. And I still wanted more chocolates....and then lo and behold I discovered the greatest thing of all time.....the candy tray holder thingy was made of Chocolate! A chocolate tray made for holding chocolate!

I ate the tray.

>>>>Must resist....Paul McCartney heart surgery Beatles game....*cough*cough*...must....resist....urge....<<<

1. All Things Must ByPass

2. Maxwell's Silver Scalpel

STOP!! Resist.....Beatles game is for losers! LOSERS!

3. Back in the U.S.O.R.

4. Open Backed Johnnie Be Good

5. The Long And Winding Scar

STOP!!! It's January 2nd and already idea-less!

6. Surgeon Peppers Lonely Heart Club Band


No more.

Maybe I'll just tell the story of the retar....ummm....stupid Indian guys that come in and don't shut my door. Why don't they shut the door? Is a door holy like a cow? It's a fact that Indian guys shut doors less than any other peoples. I've done the research.

I've got nothing.

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

Ponder this for a bit.

Hilllary Clinton might possibly be the ugliest person on the planet.

We all agree on this, correct?

Now just imagine how much uglier she'll get when she ages more.

Is this something the human mind can even comprehend? You take the ugliest and make it uglier. That's ugly. Real, real ugly.

To be fair....her hair looks okay once in a while. For a man-broad.

My vow:
If she wins the election I will mention her hideous looks every single day she is in office. I will also mention her hideous looks when she is partaking in illegal land deals and payola schemes.

This I promise.

Unless I change my mind.