Friday, October 31, 2008

Curiosity killed the Hoag

HOAG: "Hey...I'm at Target...what kinda soap was it that made your hands smell so good?"

ME: "Milk and Honey."

Happy Halloween.

Did we once do a racist Halloween candy blog?

Massa Goodbar? Sniggers Bar?



Did we do a lame Halloween candy blog?

Candy corn? Popcorn balls? Pennies?



Did we once do a blog about how Obama was going to change Halloween?

The kids that go out and get candy have to give a part of their take and give it to the lazy kids that didn't feel like going out.

How Sarah Palin was going to change Halloween?

Trig or Treat?


Have I done a blog about just how much I hate Halloween? About how I just wanna watch TV and not hear knocks on my door and my dog go all spazzy? Huh?

And don't you hate people on Halloween that stay 'in character'...HEY BUDDY!! WE KNOW YOU'RE NOT REALLY JASON OR MICHAEL MYERS!!! OKay?? We get it. Douche.


Have I done my Halloween confessional?

How when my kids were younger and would go to bed after trick or treating and how I'd raid their candy bowls and take all the good stuff and leave them with Skittles and Chuckles and raisins?


Did I mention that Cousin Saul would have a big pot of mashed potatoes and threaten to ladle them into kids trick or treat bags?


Did I mention the year we ran out of candy and gave kids boxes of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese?


Did I make the observation about if that mask up top is Obama or OJ or Steve Harvey?


Did I mention I want Halloween to be over more than I want the election to be over?


Dear Halloween,

I hate you.

I love candy.


Don't get all generous with the candy tonight and start dumping it into kids bags cuz you don't want leftover candy. I'm wise to you. Always have been. You candy hater you!

Thursday, October 30, 2008

New Voting Regulations

Republicans Tuesday.

Democrats Wednesday.


Income over $100,000 per year-Tuesday

Income under $100,000 per year-Wednesday.


White Folks-Tuesday

Not So White Folks-Wednesday.


Crock O'Bama: P.I. (or something)

So did everyone watch Barack Obama's info-mercial last night? He paid the networks for 30 something minutes of airtime.

The music! The grandeur! The pomp!

A few things jumped out:

1.) At one point The Messiah says "we will let the insurance companies and Exxon take care of themselves." followed by something about helping General Motors 're-tool' for the future.

Why should the government shit all over Exxon and The Insurance Companies and then want to help General Motors re-tool? Fishy.

Dear General Motors,

Re-tool yourself!



And now for the best part:

They filmed this rat-ugly teacher walking around a grocery store whining about how costs have gone up and blah blah blah. At one point the Rat-Ugly Teacher said:

"Somedays I come in here and I don't know if I can afford a half-gallon of milk or a full gallon."

The very next camera shot was her walking out of the grocery store holding a full gallon of milk. Rat-Ugly is clearly flush with cash from governemnt handouts!

And it was on Obama's OWN info-mercial! Which clearly tells me everything is fine and there is no reason for change.

Vote McCain! He doesn't delay The World Series to sell me Flo-Bees.

Or something.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008


I walk like a dandy.

I'm gonna be president and I'm touching my nipples.


I'm tingly thinking about the next 4 years.

Only six more days until...

-the sky turns green.

-your 401k goes back to where it was.

-lower taxes.

-better music.

-better job.

-no reruns on TV.

-secret service is now hiring.

-earth starts cooling.

-cars that run on magnets.

-new White House china patterns.

-vast amounts of brush start getting cleared in Crawford, TX.



-sideburns are back in style.

-40 acres and a mule. Or is it 40 mules and an acre?

- a new New Deal.

-increased welfare checks!

-longing for Jimmy Carter starts anew.

-pizza is outlawed (would I lie about something like that?)

-McDonald's introduces the Big Barack (looks great...just empty calories)

-Al Gore warns about Global Cooling.

-Ronald Reagan rolls over in his grave.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

A few rejected SNIPPETS from yesterday

ME: " shaved off your sideburns, and so close to Halloween!"

BACON ACE: "They weren't a costume you know."

ME: "Oh."


DAVE CLARK FIVE FAN: "Hey look...he has a puzzle of the Beatles White Album."

DOLT: "What's the puzzle of?"

DCFF: "The Beatles White Album."

DOLT: "What is the picture of?"

DCFF: "The White Album."

DOLT: "I don't get it. That's stupid."


GAL: "Do you have V For Vendetta."

ME: "Yup, it's right here."

GAL: "Thank you." :::puts back on shelf::

ME: "Just curious why you put it right back on the shelf?"

GAL: "I was just testing you to see if you were a good shop."

ME: "Having V For Vendetta passes the test?"

GAL: "Yup."


BASEBALL OFFICIAL: "We should cancel this game because of the weather."

BUD SELIG (Retard): "Let's wait until the game gets tied up."


IDIOT: "I would like to apply for a liquor license."

CLERK: "What will your business be called?"

IDIOT: "Drunkenstein's.",2933,444377,00.html


Monday, October 27, 2008

Our new feature starts TODAY!


ME: "Patriots are now in first place!"

MADDOG: "They're
tied for first place."

ME: But they're in first place."

MADDOG: "Tied for first place."

ME: "That's first place."


ME: "So you and Hubby are never gonna let me live that blog down, are you?"

SALLEE Da BRIT: "Probably not"

ME: "So...that new perfume and skin lotion on the counter...have you found a place for it?"

WIFEY: "Yes."


YOUNGEST DAUGHTER: "Happy Birthday, Dad!"

ME: "You didn't know it was my birthday did you? Your mother had to tell you!"

YOUNGEST: "Whatever."


ME: "Where did you go?"

WIFEY: "We went to Salem."

ME: "Was it cool?"

WIFEY: "Very. Some folks were dressed up. And there were some real witches dressed up. You could tell they were real witches."



ME to guy with vomit all over his shirt: "Hi...what are you dressed up as?"

GUY: "I don't feel so well."

ME: "But what are you dressed up as?"

GUY: "A guy that doesn't feel so well."


CASHIER: "I don't have enough change for you."

ME: "What would you like me to do?"

CASHIER: "Buy something else."

ME: ::::Buys $7.00 more of windshield washer::::


Saturday, October 25, 2008

The difference between Sarah Palin's vagina and Barack Obama's mouth?

Only one retarded thing has come out of Sarah's vagina.

(This joke as been doctored up from the original joke. Sue me)

A Vote for Obama

Is a vote for a dude that wears sandles.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Smell my hand.

ME: "Smell my hand."

HOAG: "I'm not smelling your hand."

ME: "Just smell my hand...I just washed it."

HOAG: "I'm not smelling your hand."

ME: "It smells awesome."

HOAG: "I will never smell your hand."

ME: "It's the smells awesome. SMELL IT!"

HOAG: "What kind of soap? I'll smell that. I will never smell you."

ME: "I forget the name of the soap...just smell my frickin' hand."

HOAG: "There is no chance that I will ever smell your hand."



ME: "Your smells good."

Thursday, October 23, 2008

McCain't...I'm married.

Can I? Can I? Don't touch! Don't touch! We're just looking! No touching! Don't touch that! Maybe for Christmas! Don't touch!

Dear Asshole Mother,

Why don't you just not bring your kids in, okay? You clearly don't want them in here.

But if you do bring them in, they are allowed to touch, okay?

And buy them something today, okay?

Your kids don't want to until Christmas.

"Ask Santa. ask Santa, ask Santa!"

Why don't you ask Santa next time you want to stuff your face with fudge. Huh?

Either let your kids look and touch the stuff in the store or tie them up and leave them at home.

In fact, why don't you leave yourself at home you ugly whore!

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Ringo Starr wants no more fan mail !! Pete Best does!


How we missed this I'll never know.

What can we do about this?

Shall we take up a letter writing campaign?

Ah...the heck with it. Just post your letters to Ringo here.

Or better yet...let's all write to Pete Best!


Dear Pete,

You were always my favorite Beatle




Tuesday, October 21, 2008

The Christina Hendricks Experiment

As a scientist I have to perform experiments.

And I read somewhere that when a blog has a picture of Christina Hendricks on it, the traffic goes through the roof because pervy men and women image search her picture on the World Wide Web. The Internet.

So we're gonna find out.

And who is Christina Hendricks you ask?

She's the fat...ummmm... curvy broad on MAD MEN which airs on AMC.

So if the traffic actually goes up by putting her picture up does that mean that folks like fa...I mean 'curvy' broads?

We're gonna find out.

We're also gonna vote for John McCain and eat McDonald's Apple Pie.

Or something.

68% of the Troops support McCain

According to the latest poll.


Troops know.


Every vote for Obama causes one troop death.

It's true.

It's on your head.

If you vote for Obama.

See that little terrorist dead kid on the bed? Had Obama been President the troop wouldn't have killed that little son of a bitch.

The troop pictured is also in charge of keeping dressers and bureaus neat and tidy.

A vote for Obama will have that closet thingy in disarray.

And it will be on your head.

Support the Troops and kill terrorist kids like that dead one one the bed.

It's your duty. Vote for McCain.

Keep the American dream of killing kids alive.

Or something.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Sallie (Sally, Sallee)

So one night, a little while ago, I'm standing in the kitchen with Wifey just going over our days and making small talk when all of a sudden she says:

"Would you like Sally?"

Would I like Sally? Wow!

For those of you that don't know, Sally is a hot chick in the neighborhood...good friend of Wifey, blonde, thin, sexy, and all around fun. She speaks with a British accent.

Would I like Sally?

I was surprised Wifey was asking this. My birthday was coming was our anniversary.

Was this some kinda pre-arranged present?

Was this a swinger thing? Was Wifey planning on doing something with The Sally Hubby?

Was this going to be a one night stand? Would my friendship with Sally and Hubby (and Wifey) remain intact after I slept with her?

What were Sally's thoughts on this?

Was she the one that brought it up?

I did a pros and cons list:

PROS: I would have 2-15 minutes of great sex.

CONS: It could destroy my marriage. Cost me half my net worth. Turn my kids against me.

It sounded like a good idea.

I was gonna be a swinger!


WIFEY: "Hello....hello....hello...."

ME: "Huh?"

WIFEY: "I asked you a question."

ME: "What?"

WIFEY: "Would you like salad?"


Why the hell would I want to sleep with salad??

Friday, October 17, 2008

You were probably sleeping.

You are a loser.

You were tired. The Red Sox were down 7-0 in the 7th inning and you went to bed.

You had no faith.

You are pathetic. A fool. A well rested loser.

The Blonde isn't.

I isn't.

Crazed text messages flying back and forth.

Red Sox/ Letterman (McCain was on)

Channels flipped. Urine flushed.

Pacing. Knowing.

The Ortizal!

The Little Pony! Coco!


But not you.

You were sleeping.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Pepper my bottom and call me Bunsie.

So I get this phone call last night:

OLDEST DAUGHTER: "Are you coming home to eat?"

ME: "I work a bit late on Tuesday...why?"

OLDEST DAUGHTER: "Is Mom cooking you?"

ME: "No. Your Mother is not cooking me."

OLDEST DAUGHTER: "Is Mom cooking FOR you?"


Point of today's post? I've had the title 'Pepper my bottom and call me Bunsie' locked in my head for a while and wasn't sure how I'd ever use it. It somehow seemed to fit today's post.

A little.


My Aunt Mary

People often ask me how I got so smart. By the end of this post you will know why.

A few months ago my cousin and her husband moved out to the southwest and bought a home.

{Factoid #1....I grew up in the southwest}

Said home needed some landscaping.

Well, in the southwest, because of lack of water, folks landscape using cactus and other plants that don't need much water.

So my cousin was talking to her Mom (Aunt Mary)(You would probably like Aunt Mary)....

...and Aunt Mary suggested she call up my Dad because he designed all of the cactus landscaping at my house when I lived in the southwest. It was awesome.

{Factoid #2...My Dad has been dead for 46 years.}

So how did I get so smart you ask? Well...I've got me some of that Aunt Mary blood flowing thru my body.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Image of Jesus in a piece of stained glass.

Now if you look real closely you can see the image of Jesus on the stained glass. He's kinda in the middle with his arms out.

Spooky, huh?

Sunday, October 12, 2008

NFL injury update

Every week the NFL gives out the injury reports. It helps coaches prepare for the game.

And gamblers.

But they kept this under warps (so to speak) for most of the week:

And just for the record...I won't be playing any football this week either.

Friday, October 10, 2008

North Korea to possibly be taken off Terror List

////Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice could announce as early as Friday that the United States will remove North Korea from its list of state sponsors of terror, FOX News learned Thursday.////

This was in the news today.

What wasn't in the story is that we are now gonna put North Korea on our Horror list.

And if they keep acting up we'll be forced to put them on our Tales From The Crypt list...possibly even our Web of Evil list, our Creepy and Eerie list, maybe our Chamber of Darkness list.

And if they still continue?

Our Creature Double Feature list.

Don't piss us off North Korea!

We're just dying to put you on our Journey Into Fear list.

Possibly even our Chilling Tales list.


Thursday, October 09, 2008

The Hillbillies explain scoring the answers in silent reading tests.

The scoring of the answers to the questions in the case of the Experimental Reproduction Tests and Fordyce's test is not perfectly objective unless an elaborate list of acceptable answers is prepared.

This was done for both of these tests and, consequently, the scores used in this study may be considered objective in the sense that the scoring appoximated uniformity.

These tests, however, should not be considered as being perfectly objective when used independently by different persons who do not have access to elaborate directions for scoring.

Possum stew for lunch.

(some of the above text might have been taken from A CRITICAL STUDY OF CERTAIN SILENT READING TESTS published by the University of Illinois in 1922.)

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

A town hall talk with John McCain. My friend.

ME: "Welcome, Senator McCain!"

MAC: "I'm glad to be here my friend."

ME: "Let's open up it right up with questions."

MAC: "That's a good idea my friend."

ROSS: "Senator McCain...can you fix the economy?"

MAC: "Well Ross, that's a good question my friend. Yes....unlike my opponent who voted against fixing the economy 90% of the time."

MONICA: "Senator McCain...can you keep our military strong?"

MAC: "I'm glad you asked Monica...yes, my friend, I will...unlike my opponent who voted against the military 90% of the time!"

PHOEBE: "How about health care...will I still get health care?"

MAC: "That's a great question Phoebe, my friend,...we will give tax credits, unlike my opponent who voted against it 90% of the time."

JOEY: "How you doin'?"

MAC: "I'm glad you asked Joey my friend...I'm doin' good. My opponent voted for doin' bad 90% of the time."

Chandler: "How about energy?"

MAC: "That's a great question my friend Chandler! I"ll reach across the aisle to solve that unlike my opponent who voted against it 90% of the time.

Jennifer Anniston: "I'm a big movie star."

MAC: "Thank you my friend for being opponent loves movie stars. 90% of the time.

ME: "Thank you my friend, Senator John McCain!"

MAC: "Thank you my friend."

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Dear The Brit,


Dear Wifey,

After you went to bed last night the Red Sox clinched.

Monday, October 06, 2008

Another installment of...IT WAS FUNNIER IN PERSON THEATRE

OLDEST DAUGHTER: "DAD!! ...Mom is being creepy!"

WIFEY: "I'm not doing anything!"

ME: "What is your mother doing?"

OLDEST: "She's whispering creepy things in my ear."

WIFEY: "I am not."

ME: "What is she whispering?"

OLDEST: "She just whispered to me in a creepy voice that she's going upstairs to change into something more comfortable."

ME: "Where is she now?"

OLDEST: "She went upstairs."

ME: "To do what?"

OLDEST: "To change her clothes."

ME: "Into what?"

OLDEST: "Something more comfortable."

Sunday, October 05, 2008

The Clincher

ME: "So Sunday after work I'm gonna watch the Patriots and then The Red Sox in the clincher.

WIFEY: "It's not a clincher."

ME: "Yes it is."

WIFEY: "No it's not."

ME: "Yes it is."

WIFEY: "How do you figure it's a clincher?"

ME: "Well, it's a best of five series and the Red Sox are up 2 games to none...if they win, they clinch."

WIFEY: "But if The Angels win then it's not a clincher."

ME: "It's still a clincher."

WIFEY: "It's only a clincher if both teams can clinch."

ME: "Where did you hear that?"

WIFEY: "I just know."

ME: "Well, you're wrong. It's a clincher."

WIFEY: "Nope."

ME: "Yes it is."

WIFEY: "What do you call it when both teams can clinch?"

ME: "Either a clincher or a do or die"

WIFEY: "It's not a do or die."

ME: "It is for the Angels."

WIFEY: "But it's not a clincher."

Saturday, October 04, 2008

Meanwhile... back with O.J.

Yet you're found guilty of stealing your own stuff.

Friday, October 03, 2008

The Fundamental Differences between Wall Street and Main Street should be put in a Lock Box until we can Change them with 1000 points of Light

Or something.

So hopefully you watched (sheds tear) the debate last night. If you didn't you'll just have to trust (winks) me when I recap it.

Which I'm about to do.

As you watch these debates (tears up) you realize really quick that the circuitry built inside politictians starts to misfire fairly fast.

Biden's 'fundamental circuitry' was the first to go. Somehow his programmers (cult leaders) felt it was important (winks) to use the word 'fundamental' every chance he could.

And he did.

And then he started to have fun with the word and would emphasize different parts of said word.

"The FUN-da-mental challenges..."

"The fun-da-MENTAL difference... (he used this one when nodding at Sarah's retarded child)

"The FUND-a men-tall blah blah blah (He used this when he was just making up crap (tears up))

And then Sarah's circuitry broke (winks) and she started saying stuff like:

"When I'm the Vice President and am hosting a hootinanny..."

"Gol darn it Joe!"

"the maverick...John McCain! (say it ONE more time Sarah and I'm gonna smack ya upside the head!)

"Say it ain't so, Joe"

"So I look to Main Street and Joe Six-Pack and hockey."

And then the debate (winks) went on.

And on. And on. Joe making up lies and Sararh just kinda getting thru it without really screwing up too bad.

And then it happened.

Joe looked at Sarah and flashed his big giant smile at her.

At he was smiitten!

Joe Biden, the seasoned politician, fell in love.

The camera pulled back for a wide shot of the two (tears up) of them.

And right there, at that moment, you could see the fundamental difference between them!

Joe Biden had an erection during a nationally televised debate!

And he flashed that big toothed smile again (winks) and reached inside his pants!

During a nationally televised debate!

And he took his fundamental difference in his large Home Depot-ey hands and told Sarah "I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU!"

And finally the moderator told him to put his FUN-da-MENTAL difference back in his Lock Box and get back to debating.

And Joe flashed that smile one more time, and made up some more untruths(winks), some more(tears) lies, some more or somethings.

So To Sum Up:
Sarah looked better in her black dress than Joe looked with his hands down his pants.

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Tips for Sarah

a) When in doubt, snicker and just say "Sorry...I was looking at Joe's "hair"...make sure you do air quotes when you say the word hair.

b) Undo one more button.

c) When in doubt bring up Porter vs Hobson. And point to Biden.

d) Raise an eyebrow and say "So what you're saying is you don't think a woman can do this job?"

e) When in doubt bring up Bornum vs O'Leary. And point to Biden.

f) Take your index finger and twirl a bit of your hair.

g) Answer your cellphone during the debate and tell your kids "Pre-heat oven at 350 degrees"

h) Crack a funny with the phrase: 'The Shaved Doctrine'

i) When in doubt bring up Madison vs Anderson. And point to Biden.

j) Shake your head after hearing a question and just say "Men wouldn't understand that." (You'll get the chick vote and most likely men weren't listening to you anyhow)

k) About an hour into the debate ask the moderator if she can 'wrap things up a bit early as The Office is on.'

l) Talk in a goofy accent and act all clueless when asked a simple question. (Men love it when the bitches do that)

m) Make me a sandwich, Whore!

n) When in doubt bring up Kerry vs Gore and then just start laughing. Point to Biden.

o) Or something.

A review of the VP debate

I saw the debate.

Huh, you ask?

Now you can believe me, or you don't have to believe me, but I went into the future to watch the debate (it's Buddy Nite tonight and I would have missed it)

I will now proceed to give my views and reviews on the important parts of said debate:


THOUGHTS AS SARAH PALIN IS INTRODUCED: "Damn...she has some great skin!"

THOUGHTS AS JOE BIDEN EXPLAINS HOW HE WILL FIX ECONOMY: "Oh great...another tax increase and more low paying jobs for Mexicans."

THOUGHTS AS SARAH PALIN EXPLAINS HOW SHE'LL FIX THE ECONOMY: "Holy cow, she looks great in that red dress! AY-Carumba!"

THOUGHTS AS JOE BIDEN EXPLAINS HIS FOREIGN POLICY: "Oh great...Joe is gonna give terrorists first class seats on our planes thinking they won't be so angry when they get here. Douche."

THOUGHTS AS SARAH PALIN EXPLAINS HOW SHE'LL FIX THE ECONOMY: "OH my god...I'd love to give you a soft kiss on your neck...maybe whisper something in your ear...."

THOUGHTS AS JOE BIDEN EXPLAINS ROE vs WADE: "I wonder if Beckett will be healthy enough to pitch game three?"

THOUGHTS AS SARAH PALIN EXPLAINS ROE vs WADE: " Camerman, us her backside...come on now, show us, show us....BINGO!"


THOUGHTS AS SARAH PALIN SLIGHTLY LIFTS ONE FOOT OUT OF 3" RED PUMP: "Oh baby...that's so hot, keep going, that's it...keep going...just like that....a bit more...yes...yes! BINGO!"





Sarah looks adorable all deer in a headlighty. Joe is an asshole.


I thought it very unfair that the moderator of the debate happened to be writing a book about Obama. Could she have been biased with her questions?

The PS is true.


Wednesday, October 01, 2008

I wonder what it's called in Haiti?

MAN: "Jew you half arechtrig jayvee midgejean?"

ME: "Huh...I don't understand."



::he seemed to want to yell so I yelled back:::


ME: "I don't. They might have some down the street."

MAN: :::smiles...nods....scrapes faces::::

ME: " electric shaving machine!...No, they might have some down the street."

HOAGY is MY friend.