Wednesday, January 14, 2009

The Best Lie Ever.

I guess they have some contest or something where you tell a lie and the best lie wins.

Had I entered my lie I would have won.

I told this to my kids a few years ago (all you need to know is that I own a minature long haired daschund that is tiny...and she has bad legs and a bad back)

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ME: "OH MY GOD!! You should have seen what the puppy did this morning!"

KIDS: "What!?"

ME: "Somehow she got up on the counter, took two pieces of bread out, popped them in the toaster....and then buttered both of them!....it was amazing! She must have watched us all these years and figured out how to do it."

KIDS: "That's so cool!"

ME: "I know!...don't tell your mother she was on the counter"

KIDS: "Okay!"

ME: "Thanks."

KIDS: "Did the puppy really do that?"

ME: "You gals aren't too bright, are you?"

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So tell me a lie...

43 comments:

Lois Lane said...

This is the best blog post ever!

I Ain't No Oprah said...

Lois doesn't win.

Anything.

Ever!

Sparkle Plenty said...

You are Oprah.

(Your daughters still like to tell that story, too: "Remember the time we pretended we believed the puppy made toast?" "Yeah, dad still thinks we bought that." "Don't tell him the truth, okay? It'd be like telling a kid there's no Santa. His little face would fall. It'd be awful.")

Sarah said...

I told my younger sister that Kidney beans were made from real kidneys, they had a machine that stamped out the shape of the bean from the kidney.

She wouldn't eat chili for almost 2 years...My mom was pissed.

the beatles said...

We wrote all the Led Zep songs...well, the good ones anyhow.

Sparkle Plenty said...

Sarah: That is diabolically brilliant. Can she eat chili now? When I was really young, my older sister told me, "Big pinches hurt more than little pinches." So, in the heat of our battles, I gave her all these giant, painless pinches. As I writhed in agony from her tiny ouchy pinches, she'd occasionally say, "Ow. Ooh. That smarts. Gosh. Quit it" and I felt bad for being such a meanie. That is what it is to be a little sister. A not-so-bright little sister.

Rolling Stones said...

We wrote all the Beatles songs...well, the good ones anyhow. The good, kinda gay ones that we were too tough to sing.

Sarah said...

Sparkle: She does eat chili now, although I am told that she still eyes it warily.

I also once was "helping" my mom clean fish, but really I was trying to dig the eye ball out of the fish. It took me a long time to get it out, mostly because my mom was wondering what was taking me so long. When I had finally taken the fish...I mean sea kittens eye out with a spoon I proceeded to fling it into my sisters hair.

I was kind of a brat...

Cake said...

I'm on a diet.

Cake said...

I'm deathly afraid of kittens.

Cake said...

I once ate deep-fried guinea pig with a tribe in the rainforests of Ecuador.

Cake said...

I think the Toronto Maple Leafs are awesome, the Yankees don't smell at all funny, and tennis is great fun to watch on tv.

Cake said...

I secretly think books are really dumb and would really rather never read another one in my whole life.

Also, this is my last comment of the day.

Sarah said...

I think the Habs won last night!

Cake said...

I think Sarah's right!

Obama said...

I think Sarah Palin's hot.

I Ain't No Oprah said...

Hoag once told me that he hopped freight trains to Canada.

Really.



He was lying.

bacon ace said...

Melts in your mouth not in your hands.

Cake said...

I own more pairs of shoes than Hoagy does.

Joe Friday said...

Bacon Ace is not all strung out on chocolate-covered espresso bean "goofballs."

Joe Friday said...

I am not "jinxing" Cake.

Not jinx!

Cake said...

I never, ever laugh at jinxes.

Big Fat Lie said...

I am the truth.

David'Z RantZ said...

Patrick McGoohan is still alive.

David'Z RantZ said...

I am David'z RantZ.

Cake said...

I'm not at all sad about McGoohan's death.

David'Z RantZ said...

The person who signed in as me (the second time) really was me, and I can tell because I didn't f**k up the upper-case "Z" on the end of "David'Z."

I Ain't No Oprah said...

I loved Patrick McGoohan in The Man From Atlantis.

I believed a man could swim.

I also loved him in Dirty Dancing.

I beleived a man could dirty dance.

Hitler said...

I actually wrote all the Beatles, Stones, and Led Zeppelin tunes.

Patrick Swayze said...

I'm not dying of The Bad Cancer.

David'Z RantZ said...

I loved Mr. McGoohan... the way his vision was so poor, so he was always having these narrow escapes from all sorts of catastrophes...

I Ain't No Oprah said...

At least we gave him Liberty....

Patrick Macnee said...

David'ZZZZZ RantZ and IANO tried to kill me so they could blog about me. Bastards.

Patrick Stewart said...

Good god! They'll be after me next! To my Ready Room! Engage! Engage!

David'Z RantZ said...

I am definitely David'Z RantZ now. Oh, yes. Ohhhhh, yes I am.

David'Z RantZ said...

And I'm not, so ignore my sign-in!

Orson'Z RantZ said...

And yes, whenever you see "Orson'Z RantZ," it definitely means that a f**king cat is writing these things!

Orson'Z RantZ said...

And David'Z really, like, this flaming queen! That's what it means when a single guy owns a cat.

David'Z RantZ said...

McGoohan was a saint...

cAkE said...

I'm not Cake.

Lame said...

None of these comments are getting lame at all...

Not at all lame said...

Lame probably isn't IANO himself.

Even less lame said...

IANO himself isn't at all lame.