Friday, January 02, 2009

The One Kill Exemption



Those of you with two or more kids already know this.

You other folks...listen up.

As soon as your second child is born they whisk you into a room and explain The One Kill Exemption (TOKE) to you and how best to use it.

You see....you're allowed to kill one of your kids at anytime you wish with no penalty or stigma attached whatsoever.

You're allowed one child kill. (as long as you have more than one. You cannot TOKEout an only child)

The rule is designed to keep your kids in line and most of the time you never have to use TOKE.

Your kids are implanted with a small chip at birth letting them subconciously know about TOKE so they behave.

The problem arises when you've used up your TOKE chip.

Now the other kid knows he or she can do whatever they want.

And that's how kids win.

So anyhow, last night around 2 in the morning I woke up and for some reason I looked out the window and noticed in the driveway that one of the kids left the lights on in the car.

TOKE!

Luckily for my oldest, Wifey then woke up and told me that Oldest didn't use the car.

It was youngest I was gonna have to TOKE out.

But if I did it... then Oldest would be ruling the roost.

And then I fell back to sleep.

And my kids live another day.


SO TO SUM UP:

If I EVER have to walk out to the driveway at 2:00am in 10 degree windy weather you better watch your back.

Youngest.

33 comments:

Cake said...

This is why not driving is the best superpower.

Sparkle Plenty said...

Third sentence: Please change "The One Kill Exception" to "The One Kill Exemption" to match the title of this fine post.

(Note: Yes, there is also "The One Kill Exemption" for people with multiple blog readers. Please don't use it on me. Thank you.)

I Ain't No Oprah said...

Dear Sparkle,

If I did your edit the joke would lose all it's impact.

Keep on with your editing...leave the comedy to us professionals.

probably not Sparkle said...

You don't need the apostrophe in "it's."

I Ain't No Oprah said...

I HATE YOU EDIT HAPPY BROADS!!!!

Cake said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Not Sparkle, but hiding in my anonymity said...

Should there be a hyphen between "edit" and "happy?"

David'Z RantZ said...

Oh, boy! You guys all fight! I'll watch.

Cake said...

I made an error in my comment...I had no choice but delete it or else be made fun of.

(Yes, there should be a hyphen.)

Cake said...

And he didn't need all four exclamation marks, either.

Cheech and Chong said...

TOKE? TOKE? Far out, man!

David'Z RantZ said...

The blogger who always signs in as "Comment deleted" is borrrring. He or she always writes the same damned thing: "This post has been removed by the author." Dude. Come up with a new catch-phrase, willya?

David'Z RantZ said...

HA! I knew I was right about the hyphen.

I mean, the person who signed in as "Not Sparkle" was...

Crap.

Comment deleted said...

This post has been removed by the Queen of England.

Comment deleted said...

This post has been removed by two angry pirates and a drunken ninja.

Comment deleted said...

This post has been removed and will be replaced with a grilled cheese sandwich, large piece of chocolate cake, and a cold glass of milk.

Comment deleted said...

This post has been removed by a bored editor just for the hell of it.

David'Z RantZ said...

"This post has been removed by a bored editor just for the hell of it."

Probably some edit-happy broad.

or...

Probably some edit happy broad!!!!

Edith A.P. Brohd said...

Yup.

Archie Bunker said...

Edith, yer a dingbat!

It's edit-happy bitch exception editor said...

I HATE CHEW'S ALL'S

A happy editin' broad said...

::stabs the last comment with a red pen::

Sparkle Plenty said...

Dear IANO,

Third Sentence: It would be much funnier if you used the term "The One Kill Exception" here to contrast with the humorous title (i.e., "The One Kill Exemption") of this fine post.

We are sorry. While we appreciate your efforts, we cannot use this flaccid and impactless joke.

Sincerely,
Edit-Happy Broad

Anonymous said...

There is no R in Spackle

an asteroid said...

Impactless? Wait'll I get through with this blog!

The Mighty Thor said...

Thou dares to protest to yon communication? Thou shalt feel the sting of mine mystical uru hammer Mjolnir. So sayeth THOR the Odinson!!!!*

*Gods can use as many exclamation points as they want.

!The Red Pen! said...

!I am mightier than the Mjolnir!

Trouble making bitch said...

Don't hurt me....I'll be good!

trouble-making bitch said...

Shouldn't there be a hyphen there?

troublemaking bitch said...

Or is it one word?

Ishat's Fire and Ice said...

Damn! No-one took me aside!

Wha ha ha! A weapon of parent superiority!

Oh wait, IANO, are you pulling my leg? I have 5 , I could take out a few and still keep the rest in fear. Cute ones get the immunity necklace!

Dorothy Parker said...

Oh, how I do love the witty repartee here.

Now, has anyone seen my nephew Peter?

David'Z RantZ said...

I MAY have seen him, Auntie!