Friday, February 27, 2009

Why So Serious?

Fat Marlboro

How many times in your life have you wanted to do something but then for some reason you didn't do it?

Fat Marlboro.

Last night we're getting dinner.

The wait staff brings out mine. Then Hoag's.

Hoag had a big old pork chop.

And he looked at me.

HOAG: "I'm gonna pick up this pork chop and play it like a banjo."

But he didn't.

Fat Marlboro.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Jack Benny

About 40 years ago my Mom worked in the catering business in California and did a party for Jack Benny the Comedian (not the Comedian from Watchmen) and at the end of said party Jack asked my Mom if she had a son that would like some sport coats from his grandson.

Mom said sure....and gave me the sport coats.

Now flash forward to the other day.

I was talking to someone who just received some clothes from Jack Benny's grandson.

A different grandson....but a grandson of Jack Benny just the same.

There has to be some kinda odds on two people, 40 years apart, 3000 miles away both receiving clothes from Jack Benny's grandson.

True story. No punchline.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Obama's speech to Congress

Let me start off by saying that I like Obama. He's not evil like Hillary.

Let me also say that I don't agree with him.

Let me also say that he has more charisma in his pinky finger than I have in my ring finger and index finger combined.

Let me also start another sentence with the word let.

But I digress.

Let me explain what Obama said last night so folks will understand it:

Pretend you're a kid and you get $5.00 in allowance.

Maybe you but a comic book and some candy.

Or something.

But ObamaKid goes out and buys a Wii and a new Playstation and some comics and candy and a new TV and maybe a laptop computer.

And stuff.

But now he owes ObamaMom a whole bunch of money yet his allowance stays the same.

He can't pay back can he?

But what if he cuts out some spending next week?

Next week arrives and ObamaKid goes out and gets his comic book and candy and a new Blu-Ray player. Because kids, like democrats can't cut back spending.

And now he owes ObamaMom even more.


Do you see the pattern?

Obama is promising a lot AND promises to cut taxes and the deficit.

The math doesn't work RETARDS!!! It just doesn't work.

So Obama promises to cut lots of programs that don't work, thus saving money.

Hey Douche!!....Why don't you FIRST cut the up THAT money and THEN do your new stuff??

Cuz that's they way responsible people do things.

But you, though filled with charisma, don't have a bloody clue.

Gorgeous smile.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Thank the stars George Clooney has been called in!


Is North Face...

...the new Members Only?

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Worst Oscar Ever Grips Felix!

Not really.

Though very close....

Editor Fever Grips Hollywood!

Not really.

Go back to Canada and the other two places.

Feverish Heath Ledger Grips Hat!

Not really.

Go back to Australia.

Milk Fever Grips Gotham City!

I'm lying.

Go back to San Francisco.

Penelope Cruz Fever Grips Mexicans!

Not really.

Go back to Mexico.

Slum Dog Fever Grips Indian Nation!

I'm lying.

Nobody cares.

Go back to India.

"Pam Shocks in Gold Swimsuit"

That's what the headline screamed this morning.

The story was about Pam Anderson in a gold swimsuit at some fashion show.

Is that really shocking? Pam Anderson. In a swimsuit?


My Oscar Picks

Mickey Rourke...anybody else is just wrong.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Michelle Obama's new hairstyle

Don't google !

Just close your eyes for the rest of your life and you will be fine.

If you open them and google you will see it.

The new hairstyle. (Is it two words... hair style? or one word..hairstyle?)

Now the first First Man-Lady wasn't good looking to begin with but... WOW! I say Holey Moley!

This broad is one ugly man-beast!

With a new hairstyle that will now set back women for years to come.


Because women are sheep and will follow Michelle to Bad Hair Hell.

And Hell it is.

Don't google.

It's like an acid bath on your eyes.

Friday, February 20, 2009

From some article that I read somewhere today about political cartoons

"All my characters look simian," he said. "I don't make Obama look nearly as simian as our former governor Mike James, who I DID draw as a monkey, on more than one occasion. And he's a white guy ... I'm sorry, but when it comes to African-Americans, you just don't draw monkeys."

Thursday, February 19, 2009

We've all read about the crazed killer chimp this week, correct?

In today's NY POST...

"Until you've . . . eaten with a chimp and bathed with a chimp, you don't know a chimp," she said.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Racist post #147

So the other night we're out to eat in the whitest town in America.

At the whitest restaurant in America.

Mostly because they have good food.

And then I spot a black guy sitting at the bar and decide to comment on it just because the guy seemed out of place.

Here is that conversation:

ME: "There is a black guy at the bar."

HOAG: "Well....someone has to do the dishes."

The Blonde: "You guys stop it right now!"


So To Sum Up:

There was a black guy at the bar. In the whitest town in America. At the whitest restaurant. And Hoag got scolded.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Mickey Rourke in The Wrestler

I saw this movie last night.

So should you.

Except for Cousin Saul and his bride.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

36 seconds to show how stupid our new government is.

How dare they not read this? Huh?

Because The Miracle Man told them it was good?

We have been bamboozled. Yes...I just said bamboozled.


Friday, February 13, 2009

Chevy you ignorant slut!

So General Motors did a horrible job making cars and saw their business go belly up.

So the USA somehow decided it was a good idea to bailout these losers by giving them billions of dollars. know, it makes sense to give money to folks that have no idea how to spend it.

So the other night during the Grammy Awards General Motors decides to run an ad for this car (pictured above) The Chevy Volt.




And nobody complains!!


Chevy is even dumber than Chevy Chase.

Or something.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Today is the day Pitchers and Catchers report to Spring Training

And it's also Abe Lincoln's birthday.

What more do you want?

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Why the "bad" economy is good (for me)

Sure is a lot less traffic.

No waiting at restaurants.

Lines in the bank are short.

Twenty dollars is back to being called 'twenty large'

"Oh sorry, we can't afford it" Means I can just watch TV.

I get to go another year without visiting Cousin Saul (in paradise)

Homeless people are back to being called bums.

I can blame Obama.

I can say things like "Bush would have fixed this mess in two weeks."

I can finally get Wifey that Burlap Sack Dress she's been wanting (but not the Shoe Box Shoes)

I get to finally visit the mysterious 'Food Pantry' (with Michael)

Obama will give me 40 acres and a mule.

Or something.


The economy is fine.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

That certain something about Coldplay

So I'm watching the Grammy Awards the other night and the band COLDPLAY comes on.

I'm sure I've heard them before but no way could I name a song or who is in the band or anything about them.

And guess what?

I thought they were fantastic. Great drummer. Cool lyrics. Guitars working nicely.

Lead singer has that Jenny Say Qua thing about him.

I'm an old guy and I'm groovin' on this hot band that the young folks dig.

I'm even thinking of buying their albums (CDs) (Ilegal downloads)

It felt great to just find some new music I like instead of just always listening to favs from the 1970s and 1980s.

And then Wifey spoke:

WIFEY: "Gywenth Paltrow is married to the singer"



I wish there was some new music I could listen to. Now that COLDPLAY is dead to me.


I'm naming my band JENNY SAY QUA?

Because I'm cool like that.

Monday, February 09, 2009


It's new and I already can't stand it.

How many times a day do I have to hear it before I punch?


"My I-phone has so many cool apps!'

"Facebook has the funniest apps!"

"Plenty of apps!"

"How many new apps come with that?"

And on and on.

Apps. Apps. Tech geeks love to use the fake word apps.

It's short for applications. Clever, huh? Apps.

Commercials. Print advertisments. Apps are everywhere.


And then the other apps:

"Hey...instead of dinner let's just grab a few apps!"

"I'm not really all that hungry...let's just have an app."

"Why don't we meet for some apps and discuss!"

And on and on. Fatties love apps. Apps in this instance is for appetizers.

Fat appsholes.


So To Sum Up:

Please don't ever let me meet a fattie tech geek that is about to walk the Appalachian Trail.


Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Something awesome and something not

Today I came up with the winning lottery numbers. 2-6-17-26-27-32 (something awesome)

But I can't figure out for what day(something not)


Alice Cooper's birthday is today (something awesome)

I wasn't invited to the party (something not)


Goobers (something awesome)

Raisinettes (something not)


DVRs (something awesome)

Being a fast forward doofus (something not)


The beautiful look of freshly fallen snow (something awesome)

Everything else about snow (something not)


My Cousin Vinnie (something awesome)

My cousin Saul (something not)


Jay Leno on the Dave Lettermen show (something awesome)

Jay Leno on his own show (something not)


Blogs I did two years ago (something awesome)

Today's blog (something not)


Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Obama's house of cards starts to tumble...

I just provide the links. Stop your boo-hoo-hooing.

(Bush's Fault)

A very special blog for 5 billion Chinese people.


So to sum up:



Monday, February 02, 2009

Kellogg's Frosted Flakes

So last night a couple hours after dinner I wanted something else to eat.

I spotted a box of Kellogg's Frosted Flakes in the cabinet and removed said box.

Holding it in my hand I decided to check up on oldest daughter (she's 22) and was in the other room.

So I kinda held the box up, shook it, and said:

ME: "How are these?"

OLDEST: ::smiles:: "I ain't saying it."

ME: "How are these?" :::shakeshakeshake:::


ME: "Answer the question."


ME: "ANSWER THE QUESTION!....How are these?" ::shakes box::


ME: "How are these?"

OLDEST: "They're G-R-R-R-E-A-T!!!!"



Kellogg's Frosted Flakes are pretty good.