Friday, July 31, 2009

Listening to the dumb kid.

DUMB KID: "Look, Mom! A lunch box that OPENS!!"

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Sorry I don't speak Taco Bell, Jerk!

So I go to the drive-thru last night:

ME: "Yes...I'd like six crunchy tacos."

HIM: "You'd like six hard tacos?"

ME: "Six crunchy tacos."

HIM: "Six hard tacos...anything else?"

ME: "I'd like six crunchy tacos."

HIM: "Six hard tacos...that'll be $5.84."

ME: "Are hard tacos the same as crunchy tacos?"

HIM: "Yes."

ME: "Why does the sign out here call them crunchy tacos?"

HIM: "No idea...the sign in here calls them hard tacos."

ME: "Crunchy sounds better."

HIM: "I agree."

ME: "Thank you."

HIM: "Would you like hot sauce with those "crunchy tacos"?

ME: "The mild sauce."

HIM: "It's still hot."

ME: "Why do they call it mild?


If you look closely at the menu I posted it says 'hard'....the drive-thru menu says crunchy.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

In a minute or two.

GUY: "Are you closed?"

ME: "I was just closing."

GUY: "Oh...mind if I come in?"

ME: "Sure...come on in."

GUY: "When are you closing?"

ME: "Well...I'm closed now, but you can poke around for a minute or two if you'd like."

GUY: "Okay...just let me know when you want to close."

ME: "Well... I'm closed now, but you can poke around for a minute or two if you'd like."

GUY: "Okay...just let me know."

ME: "In a minute or two."

GUY: "Okay...let me know."

ME: "Will do."



ME: "Okay...I'm gonna close now."

GUY: "Mind if I just poke around for a minute or two...I'm waiting for my pizza?"

Friday, July 24, 2009

The Kids at Dana-Farber

Seems Barack Obama thinks they are acting stupidly with their cancer and stuff.

Being partially black and never having cancer he is aware of this.

Ernie Kovacs: Bamboo Prophet

Ernie was our man. Rubber faced genius in a bamboo world.

Ernie told the truth. He told the lies.

In a bamboo world full of rubber faced clowns.

Ernie Kovacs.


We all cheered when he landed on the moon.

We all cried when he crashed into the North Tower.

Ernie Kovacs....bamboo man, bamboo man.

Rubber faced world.

Ernie Kovacs.

We still talk about you. Still worship your bamboo throne.

Ernie Kovacs. Ernie Kovacs.

Bamboo man. Rubber faced world.

Bamboo man.

Ernie Kovacs.

Ernie Kovacs.

Make us smile Bamboo man...make us smile.

Rubber faced fans.

Bamboo man.

Ernie Kovacs.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

The Emasculation Proclamation


Yesterday. 7:59 pm

All man.

8:00 pm---all man.

8:01 pm---all man.

8:02 pm---turtlin' up.

8:33 pm---make-up being applied.

8:49 pm---dress being fitted.

9:03pm---nails being polished and buffed (do broads have nails buffed?)

9:11pm---hair being highlighted...looking through Talbots catalog.

9:14 pm---noticing curtains and my muffin tops.

9:25 pm---actually rationalizing wearing this cute pair of capris!

9:27 pm---feeling my breasts for possible lumps. Or something.

9:45pm-tapping my toes...smiling....

9:46 pm---credits start to roll.

9:51pm....Wifey goes up to bed. to the History out Nazis.

10:02pm---manhood comes back to life.

10:04pm---vagina is gone.



I watched MAMMA MIA last night.

And liked it.

That my friends is MY Waterloo.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Hey waitress...don't do this, okay?

Stand up when you take my order.

You got that, Chachi?

Friday, July 17, 2009

The Insurance Lady complimented me or insulted me and I'm either mad or happy about it.

::looking at my drivers license::


ME: "What?"

INSURANCE LADY: "Great picture."

ME: "Thank you."

INSURANCE LADY: "You're going to need a new one..."

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Last night...House of Pizza

::dials phone::

HOUSE OF PIZZA: "House of Pizza...pick up or delivery?"

ME: "I'll pick-up...I'll have a pepperoni pizza."

HOUSE OF PIZZA: "That'll be about 10 or 15"

ME: "Steve. Thanks."

HOUSE OF PIZZA: "Thank you."


I got nothing. GET OFFA MY LAWN!

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

A visitor listens in.

So last night we had a friend over the house and we were just sitting around talking and stuff when Wifey mentioned a restaurant she was at.

Here is that conversation:

ME: "McDonald's"

WIFEY: "It was Burger King!"

ME: "McDonald's"

WIFEY: "It was Burger King!"

ME: "McDonald's"

WIFEY: "It was Burger King!"

ME: "McDonald's"

WIFEY: "It was Burger King!"

ME: "McDonald's"

WIFEY: "It was Burger King!"

ME: "McDonald's"

WIFEY: "It was Burger King!"

ME: "McDonald's"

WIFEY: "It was Burger King!"

ME: "McDonald's"

WIFEY: "It was Burger King!"

Finally Wifey puts a stop to it:

WIFEY to VISITOR: "This will just go on all night long!"


Turns out it WAS Burger King.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

But Mom...!

ME: "I don't want to blog today."

MOM: "But you have to."

ME: "Why?"

MOM: "Because I said so...that's why."

ME: "But Mom..."

MOM: "Steven! I said you are going to blog and YOU ARE GOING TO BLOG."

ME: "But Mom..."

MOM: "Don't get fresh me young man..."

ME: "But Mom....!"

MOM: "Don't 'But Mom' me Mister Sassy Pants."

ME: "But Mom...!" (If you don't know where this is going by now you're kinda stupid)

MOM: "Go to your room and think about what you're doing."

ME: "But Mom..."

MOM: "Steven....GO!"

ME: "But're dead, you can't tell me what to do."

MOM: "Just go do your blog."

ME: "Okay."

MOM: "That's better."

Monday, July 13, 2009


WIFEY: "I have a surprise for you!"

ME: "We're having another baby?!"

WIFEY: "No...we're having steamed clams and lobster."

ME: "Oh....good."

(What the heck would we do with a baby lobster anyhow?)

Friday, July 10, 2009

Thursday, July 09, 2009

A joke.

"What will Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, and Michael Jackson be getting for Christmas this year?"


"Patrick Swayze."

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

The Michael Jackson Memorial

So yesterday was the big day.

Staples Center filled with family, friends and fans. (we call it the 3-fs)

(not really...we call it family, friends, and fans)

So anyhow...Berry Gordy starts talking about meeting the Jackson Family many years ago.

He tells of the numerous softball games the two families would play over the years.

He explains how Tito and Jermaine would smash the ball and usually the Jackson Family would beat the crap out of the Gordy family. In softball.

He goes on to explain that Michael was the catcher and that he missed a lot of balls.

Two seconds go by and my phone rings.

It's Cousin Saul.

SAUL: "I doubt Michael Jackson missed many balls."

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

Al Gore (snicker) thinks climate change (snicker) is like fighting the Nazis,2933,530378,00.html?test=latestnews

Can Al Gore (laughter) conjure up lightning like Hitler?

I think not.

Can Al Gore (laughter) attack Russia in the winter?

I think not.

Can Al Gore (laughter) make the sweet, sweet love to a gal named Eva?

I think not.

Can Al Gore (laughter) be friends with dogs of all breeds like a certain Mr. Adolf?

I think not.

Can Al Gore (laughter) get a job? A real job?

I think not.

Can Al Gore (laughter) grow a cool little 'stache that the ladies swoon over?

I think not.

Can Al Gore (laughter) do anything except annoy me?

I think not.


Hitler controlled the weather. Al Gore (laughter) doesn't.

Monday, July 06, 2009

Happy Belated In Depends Day

It's even funnier because they're Chinese.

Sunday, July 05, 2009

Biden: 'We misread how bad the economy was...'

They inherited the problem.

(They puppy makes him look like he's honest and knows what he's talking about)

Bumper Monorails.

Saturday, July 04, 2009

My 32 word review of the new Johnny Depp movie...Public Enemies

A couple of good scenes does not make a good movie.

(though Hoag getting caught trying to take the L off of the Public Enemies display in the lobby was pretty good)

Friday, July 03, 2009


GUY ON RADIO: "Today is July 3rd...tomorrow will be July 4th."


GUY IN MY SHOP: "The Michael Jackson death is bigger than 9/11"


GUY IN MY SHOP 7 DAYS AFTER MICHAEL JACKSON DIED: "Did you hear that Michael Jackson died?"

ME: "No...I didn't hear that."

GUY: "Farrah Fawcett and Chuck Norris died also."

ME: "I heard about Chuck."

(Chuck didn't die)



ME: "Well...I'm not anyhow..."


{Hoagy does his Karl Malden impersonation}

ME: "That ain't Karl Malden."

HOAG: "Then who is it?"

ME: "You just did Johnny Carson doing Karl Malden."

HOAG: "What will you do...WHAT WILL YOU DO?"


WIFEY: "You have no fashion sense."

ME: "Maybe not for myself, but I know what looks good on women."

WIFEY: "No you don't."


CUSTOMER: "What are your hours this weekend?"

ME: "Regular hours throughout the weekend."

CUSTOMER: "Are you closed on the 4th?"

ME: "Nope...we'll be open our regular hours all weekend."

CUSTOMER: "Even Sunday?"


Wednesday, July 01, 2009

Four Mature Adults Only

So last night I join Wifey and Laverne at a restaurant for dinner.

They got there about an hour before me and were half way thru eating by the time I showed up.

Small talk. Greetings.

The waiter comes up to me asks what I'd like.

I'm not overly hungry so I just order a hamburger and fries.

I tell the waiter:

"Just the burger and garnish! No onion, no tomato, no pickle...just beef and bun."

And then all of sudden Wifey chimes in with:

"I'll have his pickle!"

And then the four mature adults....a total of almost 200 years of life experience....start to giggle because Wifey wants my pickle.

Dinner goes well. Conversation, a few laughs.

Do I need to mention that Wifey barely touched my pickle?