Saturday, January 30, 2010

Possibly the best dog poop story ever.

So around four in the morning my puppy wakes me up.

She needs to go outside.

Outside is actually my garage. And outside means poop.

My puppy is tiny and just needs a small amout of area to poop on.

We carpet that area with newspapers.

So pup squats and leaves a little tootsie roll sized poop.

I grab some toilet paper and pick it up.

It's four in the morning. I'm tired. It's cold in the garage.

She squats again. Another tootsie roll. I pick it up.

Using toilet paper.

She squats again.

I reach down to pick it up. (with a hand full of toilet paper)

I feel nothing.

I clearly saw the poop she left.

I adjust my eyes.

No poop.

Where is the poop??

It's not on me. It's not on my feet.

I didn't pick it up. Puppy didn't eat it.

I look again.

And there on the newspaper I spot the 'poop'.

Turns out the 'poop' in question was actually just a small picture of Obama on the newspaper.

True story.



It was four in the morning and my dog was doing racial jokes.

Friday, January 29, 2010

Tom Jones goes NUTS at the 1:20 mark!

(Thanks to Johnny C for showing me this)

Thursday, January 28, 2010

The Rolling Stones shreds

KISS shreds.

J.D. Salinger RIP

The following was in his obit this morning:

'Salinger's alleged adoration of children apparently did not extend to his own. In 2000, daughter Margaret Salinger's "Dreamcatcher" portrayed the writer as an unpleasant recluse who drank his own urine and spoke in tongues.'


Just being an unpleasant recluse would be cool enough.

Drinking my own urine? Speaking in tongues?

I salute you JD Salinger!!

(And now I want a pastrami on rye! With mustard)

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Denise Richards Speaks!

Seems Charlie Sheen got in trouble with his wife over Christmas.

So this brought out former wife Denise Richards.

She claims Charlie never hit her.

But he did 'verbally abuse' her.

Poor widdle baby.

Poor widdle Denise got 'verbally abused'

Welcome to my world, Denise.


Tuesday, January 26, 2010

A gift from the lovely Cake

Our friend Cake made this.

It's chock full of inside jokes.

If you're not a regular around these parts I suggest you go do something else.

You are a regular? Then spend the three plus minutes and watch Hitler.

I know, I know...three minute YouTubes are forever.

Watch it anyhow.

Monday, January 25, 2010

I never got used to Candy. RIP Trapper.

Even Nazis Are Good People. Sometimes.


Forrest Gump has sold more tickets than Avatar.

So has Home Alone and Grease. And Ben-Hur. The Excorcist.

And a bunch of other movies.

So don't give me this crap about Avatar being the biggest movie (or soon to be) of all time. It's just made more money because ticket prices are way higher.

I'm sure Avatar is good.

But as good as Home Alone?

I think not.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

RIP Jean Simmons

Friday, January 22, 2010

Thursday, January 21, 2010

John Edwards in Haiti

(CBSNEWS.COM) -Former presidential candidate John Edwards, in the news today for his admission that he was the father of Rielle Hunter's daughter, is now in Haiti helping with earthquake relief efforts.

He hopes to impregnate numerous light-skinned survivors.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Reason #23 why Martha Coakley lost the election.

She looks too much like David Bowie and people really only like her Ziggy Stardust persona.

Reason #74 why Martha Coakley lost

She looks too much like Sheldon.

How Martha Coakley could have won (Number one in a series)


Nobody wants a broad in the Senate with pencil thin lips.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Taco Bell Founder Dies at Age 86

His last name was Bell.


I never knew that.

(I wonder how Jack Box is doing?)

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Please help the children of Haiti.

These Haitian people have been devastated.

Especially the children.

They're hungry. Hurt. Hot.


And all of their toys are gone.

Please pick from the following and send to:

c/o Hades on Earth
Near where the Earthquake was.

Thank you.

How many Haitians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

HAITIANS: "We have lightbulbs?"

I have no thoughts on Haiti

I'm all about the Lovey.

Wednesday, January 06, 2010

Nothing funny has happened yet.

So today has been kinda dull. Even last night was.

But I have a duty to entertain, so the show must go on...


I pull up to the Toll Booth.

My toll is 70 cents so I hand the toll-taker a crisp one dollar bill.

He hands me back 30 cents. I think it was a quarter and a nickle.


Last night:

Wifey: "What do you want to watch?"

ME: "I don't care...what ever you want to."


At the store:

ME: "Would you like some backing boards with those?"

Customer: "No thank you."


DIALS UP SAUL: :::::ring:::: ::::ring::: ::::ring:::: :::ring:::

ME: ::::hangs up phone:::


CRAZY JASON: "::::unintelligible banter::::"

ME: "Thank you."


ME: "Do me a favor...shut the door."

INDIAN GUY: ::::shuts door:::


ME: "Go owwwwside? Go owwwwwside?"

PUPPY: :::wags tail:::


WIFEY: "Mind if I go out tonight?"

ME: "Have fun."


Tuesday, January 05, 2010

Who Watches The People That Watch The People On The Watch List?

So all of sudden the good old US of A, under the steely eyes of Captain Obama, is gonna re-do airport security because of The Christmas Day Douchebag that tried to blow up a plane with a bomb in his crotch.

With me so far?

The said Christmas Day Crotch Bomber was on a goddamn terrorist watchlist!!!

So now they're gonna pat down Grandma and we'll be safe.

Unless Grandma is on a watchlist.

Monday, January 04, 2010

Today's searches, tomorrow's friends. Or something.

Recently on my blog I installed a little tracking thingy.

It doesn't really tell me who you are, but it does tell me how new people find the blog.

Here are some of the things they searched that brought them to I Aint No Oprah.

I'm so very, very proud.

Num Perc. Search Term
4 5.00% real guns that look like toys
4 5.00% hitler world tour
4 5.00% I aint no oprah
3 3.75% hitler world tour t shirt
3 3.75% christina hendricks fat
2 2.50% "christina hendricks" anorexic
2 2.50% nice+legs
2 2.50% i ain't no oprah
2 2.50% hairy famous
1 1.25% food rating value number
1 1.25% oprah's bunker
1 1.25% seks poo
1 1.25% schnitzengrubens blazing saddles
1 1.25% national geographic 100 foods index
1 1.25% top 10 most disgusting foods national geographic
1 1.25% national geographic food nutrition ranking
1 1.25% Hitler worldtour
1 1.25% clever ring tones
1 1.25% national geographic 100 foods
1 1.25% david tennant and his genitals
1 1.25% "don't make me no nevermind" quote meaning
1 1.25% Crazy circle jerk story
1 1.25% piss boy
1 1.25% hitler world tour t-shirt
1 1.25% iaintnooprah
1 1.25% is it ok to store toothbrush in a drawer
1 1.25% play warfare 1966
1 1.25% national geographic food number
1 1.25% toothbrush feces bathroom
1 1.25% jewish can't eat pork
1 1.25% mind control brainwashing pig slut
1 1.25% chuck chuck bo buck banana pana fo fuck
1 1.25% warfare 1966
1 1.25% "it don't make me no nevermind"
1 1.25% don't make no nevermind
1 1.25% rescuers down under porn
1 1.25% thomas english muffins smaller
1 1.25% slut control
1 1.25% fatguy
1 1.25% Why Jews don't eat ham
1 1.25% thomas's english muffins smaller
1 1.25% Hitler '42 tour t-shirt
1 1.25% fox and the hound porn
1 1.25% give me your weak and your poor
1 1.25% national geographic nutrition scale
1 1.25% hitler's world tour
1 1.25% rouin me bishen cutter
1 1.25% The Wit of Steely Dan
1 1.25% jerk circle +blogspot
1 1.25% crispy hexagons
1 1.25% national geographic best foods
1 1.25% poprocks coochie
1 1.25% oprah and guns
1 1.25% don't make me no nevermind
1 1.25% walt disney porn snuff films
1 1.25% iain't no oprah
1 1.25% thomas english cranberry muffins
1 1.25% why jews don't eat pork
1 1.25% Food Rating System Chart
1 1.25% My Sexy Mules porno
1 1.25% oprah' gowns
1 1.25% t shirt hitler world tour

Kam Fong as Chin Ho makes me laugh more than it should.

Saturday, January 02, 2010

The First SNIPPETS of 2010

ME: "We should make a romantic comedy."

WIFEY: "Do you mind taking the DVD out of my ass?"


WIFEY: "You're annoying."

ME: "I'm not annoying."

WIFEY: "Yes you're annoying."

ME: "How do you figure?"

WIFEY: "You annoy me."



ME TO GUY AT PARTY: "Do you know any good roofers?"

GUY AT PARTY: "I know good people. I know roofers. I don't know any good roofers."


ME: "Look at this new romantic app I got just for us"

(shows Wifey cracklin' fire app)

WIFEY: ::rolls eyes::


ME: "So let me get this have an i-phone but you don't want to use the i-pod feature on it or any apps??"

MADDOG: "Correct."

ME: "So why did you even bother getting the i-Phone?

MADDOG: "For the phone."


THE FLASHDANCE GUY: "Are you watching The Winter Classic?"

ME: "I'm at work."

THE FLASHDANCE GUY: "Oh, I thought you might have had the day off and were watching The Winter Classic."

ME: "But you called me at the store."

THE FLASHDANCE GUY: "I thought you might be at home."



MY LISTING ON EBAY: "Will only ship within the USA"

GUY FROM DENMARK: "Can you ship it to Denmark?"



ME: "Hey."


HOAGY: "Why don't you come in tonight and say hello to my wife."

ME: "Okay...why?"

HOAGY: "She said you never come in anymore."

ME: "So she wants me to come in?"

HOAGY: "She didn't really say that...she just commented on the fact that you don't come in anymore. Maybe she likes that you don't come in anymore."


ME: "So, do you know about the trip out west or is it a surprise from Hoag?"

HOAG'S WIFE: "What trip out west?"