Saturday, February 27, 2010

Vincent: The Fingernail Kid

So this ten year old kid named Vincent is in the shop the other day.

He's biting his fingernails.

Here is our conversation:

ME: "What are you doing!!?"

VINCENT: "Nothing."

ME: "I just saw you biting your fingernails!"


ME: "And you were spitting them out on my floor!!"

VINCENT: " was just one one fingernail. It would take like a million years of me biting my nails to fill up the place."

Friday, February 26, 2010

You're So Vain

Carly Simon just did the big reveal.

She was singing about...


she was singing about....wait for it....

Hold on....

She was singing about.....

Was it Mick Jagger?


Warren Beatty??




David Geffen..

It was David Geffen.

Lamest reveal EVER!

Monday, February 22, 2010

Web Searches that found I Ain't No Oprah

We did this a while ago....we're gonna do it again.

I have a little tracking cookie thingy on this here blog.

It shows what Google (and Bing etc) searches that people use and how they end up on I Ain't No Oprah.

Here are last week's searches:
(first number is how many people searched and found us)

(And people seem to really care about Oprah's hair)

Num Perc. Search Term
12 13.64% oprah's new hair style
5 5.68% how many tickets has avatar sold
4 4.55% hitler world tour t shirt
3 3.41% 30 rock waltham
2 2.27% oprah new hair style
2 2.27% oprah's new haircut
2 2.27% national geographic food rating system
2 2.27% corky tattoo
2 2.27% i ain't no oprah
2 2.27% oprah july 01 2009
2 2.27% definition AND proto socialist
2 2.27% oprah new haircut
2 2.27% mary ellen moffat
1 1.14% what happened to thomas' english muffins
1 1.14% national geographic food rating
1 1.14% 30 rock, waltham
1 1.14% what is a bishen cutter?
1 1.14% "truck truck to lynn"
1 1.14% makes me no nevermind
1 1.14% Chuck, chuck, bo-buck
1 1.14% haiku hitler
1 1.14% "Chuck Chuck Bo Buck"
1 1.14% National Geographic 100 foods
1 1.14% happy girth day
1 1.14% hitler world tour t-shirt
1 1.14% Oprah Tom Jones
1 1.14% louie areola
1 1.14% sarah palins retarded kid
1 1.14% "blueberry blonde"
1 1.14% the best foods for you national geographic
1 1.14% "thomas' english muffins" smaller
1 1.14% oprah gowns
1 1.14% Christina Hendricks is fat
1 1.14% it dont make me no nevermind
1 1.14% don't make me no nevermind
1 1.14% beautiful aerolas
1 1.14% conversation of a client and a waiter
1 1.14% oprah's boyfriend jokes
1 1.14% how many Haitians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1 1.14% proto socialist government definition
1 1.14% pictures of dead jews
1 1.14% nice legs
1 1.14% how many tichets has avatar sold
1 1.14% Conversation Bank Teller
1 1.14% how many haitians does it take to screw in a lightbulb
1 1.14% death headlines
1 1.14% chinese guy
1 1.14% makes me no never mind
1 1.14% fox and the hound porn
1 1.14% meaning proto socialist
1 1.14% Thomas's english muffins getting smaller
1 1.14% fox and the hound nude
1 1.14% kam fong chin ho
1 1.14% itchy areolas
1 1.14% real guns that look like toys
1 1.14% oprahs new haircut
1 1.14% christina hendricks fat
1 1.14% flying poo particles toothbrush

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Real soda

CUSTOMER: "Is that real soda?"

ME: "No....I sell fake soda."


ME: "I was's real soda."

CUSTOMER: "So I can really drink it?"

ME: "If you really give me $1.99."

Friday, February 19, 2010

I'm pretty sure Jesus would have thought Elton was gay.

>>(CBS) Elton John is facing backlash from Christian groups after stating in an interview that Jesus was gay.<<<<;morenews

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Crazy Jason and fighting in the comics.

CRAZY JASON: "You know how there is a lot of fighting in comic books?"

ME: "Yup."

CRAZY JASON: "Do you notice how most of the fighting takes place OUT of the ring?"

ME: "Yup."

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Let's sum up the week's news in just a few sentences.

John Mayer called Kevin Smith a fat nigger pig and then died on the luge.

And Cheney beat up Biden....and called him a fat nigger pig and died on the luge.

Southwest Airlines apologized to everyone.


Monday, February 15, 2010


DUMB FIFTY YEAR OLD: "Wow...that's a great Godzilla!"

ME: "Yup."

DUMB FIFTY YEAR OLD: "Kids must love him."

ME: "Yup."

DUMB FIFTY YEAR OLD: "Is he a real dinosaur?"

ME: "Nope."

DUMB FIFTY YEAR OLD: "Where did he come from?"

ME: "I think from an atomic bomb somewhere off the coast of Japan."

DUMB FIFTY YEAR OLD: "You mean it's a real thing??"

ME: " was from a movie."

DUMB FIFTY YEAR OLD: "What movie?"

ME: "Godzilla."

His Sayonara

'Former Knack frontman Doug Fieger passed away Sunday in Los Angeles at the age of 57 following a nearly five-year battle with lung cancer."

(Somehow I think my title is clever)

Sunday, February 14, 2010

How I should behave: Lesson 722

So we were on our way to a party the other night.

Here is the conversation in the car before we got there.

WIFEY: "Now don't be a jerk tonight."

ME: "I'm never a jerk."

WIFEY: "Just behave."

ME: "Can I bring up the size of "Mary's" legs?"

WIFEY: "No."

ME: "Can I bring up the size of "Polly's" arm?"

WIFEY: "Yes."

Friday, February 12, 2010

I wish I was dead.

RIO DE JANEIRO (Reuters) - A mayor of a Brazilian town has banned Carnival revelers from playing funk.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Love That Hillary!

(Feb. 11) – Former President Bill Clinton was rushed to a hospital in New York City on Thursday for a condition related to his heart, ABC News reported.

Clinton, 63, was transported to Columbia Presbyterian Hospital in Manhattan. Sources told ABC News that he was being treated "likely for a stent procedure," ABC News chief political correspondent George Stephanopoulos said. CNN also reported the former president was experiencing chest pains.

Clinton had quadruple heart bypass surgery in 2004.

Sources told ABC that Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton was spotted leaving the Oval Office, but did not seem "too concerned."

Say it ain't so, Joe!

Vice President Joe Biden says it is unlikely that another attack like Sept. 11, 2001 will happen.


The US will be attacked on an even bigger scale. Probably soon.

Tuesday, February 09, 2010

Saturday, February 06, 2010

Friday, February 05, 2010

Thank you CBSNEWS.COM for letting us know that the SUPER BOWL is the US Pro Football Championship Game.

>>>>On Sunday, Obama plans to host a party to watch the Super Bowl, the U.S. pro football championship game, as he did last year.>>>>>>

Thursday, February 04, 2010

Joe Biden saw Avatar...shouldn't you?

Happy Birthday, Alice Cooper!

Shark Attack!!

Today's blog is about a fatal shark attack that happened yesterday.

First off....notice my clever and original use of Jaws movie poster art in a story about a shark attack.

But anyhow...

So I'm reading the story about the shark attack in Florida.

And I come across this:


"I've never heard of multiple sharks in this area surrounding someone and fatally wounding him," said the victim's childhood friend, Teague Taylor, 36. "He was the nicest person ever."


He was the nicest person ever????? Like this in some way should have prevented the shark from eating him???

Because he was nice?

Wednesday, February 03, 2010

Why didn't I think of that??

So I'm going to work this morning and I see this little place on a side street near my shop.

The neon sign got my attention so I took this picture.

Tuesday, February 02, 2010

There's a new douchebag in town.

Move over, Barbra Streisand.

You too, Julia Roberts...Jennifer Aniston.

I'm looking at you Jay Leno. Rosie O'Donnell.

Al Gore. Hillary.

All douchebags.

Chevy Chase. Douche.


You people get stuck in my craw (That's CRAW, not CRAW!)

You think you're something.

You're not.

David Blaine.

Celine Dion.

You people bother me.

And I rarely change my mind about you (Though Rosie and Jennifer have recently gotten back on my 'They Don't Make Me Vomit' list)

Clooney. Douche pretending he's not.

He is.

But there is a new douchebag in town and his name is....

Jamie Foxx.

You pretended you were Ray Charles. Because you're an actor. An Actor.

You pretend.

Stop thinking you're a singer.

"Look at me! Look at me!! I'm rapping!! I'm talking street with the brothers!"


And you ain't even all that good of an actor. Except for when you were Ray.