Sunday, March 28, 2010

Sandra Bullock, America's Sweetheart.

With all of the hoopla (yes, hoopla) of the Health Care Reform. Earthquakes in Haiti and some other brown skinned country.

Buzz Aldrin dancing. Joe Biden dropping F-bombs.

Tiger Woods.

Leno back on The The Tonight Show.

News news news.

Endless wars. Celebrity deaths.

Unemployment. Jobs.

The Apple i-Pad.

So much going on and sometimes things slip through the cracks.

As I was doing my research I stumbled across this gem...

It turns out that late late at night on February 14 2010 it was passed into law that when refering to Sandra Bullock you must now add 'America's Sweetheart' after her name.

This became even more important once the Jesse James sex scandal broke.

Sandra Bullock, America's Sweetheart....we love you!

Saturday, March 27, 2010

The Horror Is Coming!

It's spring.

Buds on the trees.

Birds. Bugs.

It's spring.

The horror coming.


The temps have to get a bit warmer.

The horror is coming but we don't yet know in what guise.

It's coming soon.

I'm afraid. I have the Scaredy Cat Blues.

You know you've been planning and saving all winter.

What horrible trendy fashion statement are you bitches gonna bring this year?

We've been thru a decade of crocs and capris. Pajama jeans and skinny jeans.

Juicy sweats.

What'll be this year, Girly-girls?

What terrible thigh thickening fashion faux pas do you have up your sleeve or leg or stocking?




It's coming.

We all know it's coming.

You'll flip through the racks. Look at the window displays.

You'll actually believe THAT YOU CAN PULL THIS LOOK OFF!!!

But you can't.

You won't.

You will look thick.

I will hate it.

You will buy and wear it anyhow.

I will long for the days of old, the days of capris and crocs and Juicy sweats.

I will be wearing Levis and faded shirts. And my lucky fishing shirt.

Thursday, March 25, 2010


GUY: "Do you have any Tintin?"

ME: "Yup...right over here."

GUY: "Did you hear they're making three Tintin movies?"

ME: "Yup...they should be good. Spielberg is doing them."

GUY: "Spielberg hasn't done anything."

I wish Barack Obama rhymed with Gutless Douchebag

So they finally get the needed votes for the historic(!) HEALTH CARE REFORM thingy.

You can applaud or boo. I don't much care.

But this weasel actually put in an exclusion on abortion.

You can be for abortion or against abortion. I don't much care.

The problem is that ABORTION IS LEGAL!!! And it's being excluded from the health care package. (unless it's rape or incest or if the Mom could die or something)

I'm not writing to discuss abortion. I don't care if you have one. I don't care if you don't. I don't care if you support it. I don't care if you bomb abortion clinics. I just don't care either way.

If it's legal and you want to do it. But it should be covered by your health care (PRE-EXISTING CONDITIONS WILL BE COVERED!!!!!)

What if they excluded cancer treatment because I don't think cancer should be treated?

What if the health care didn't cover broken legs?

The point is Barack Obama sold his soul to get this thing passed because he knew certain Democrats wouldn't vote for it unless abortion was excluded.

Abortion is legal. It should be covered.

Now let's take this a step further.

Certain women will now NOT have abortions because they don't have the money. They will give birth.

One of those babies (that would have been aborted) will now grow up to be Hitler and kill your children and grandchildren. And a lot more folks will die than will have been aborted.

So screw off Barack Obama!! Gutless Douchebag.


Wednesday, March 24, 2010


So I'm watching a show the other night called The Pacific.

In one scene they show a Marine chugging down a can of peaches.

Shortly afterwards he vomits up said peaches.

And of course his fellow Marines dub him 'Peaches'


ME: "I want you to start calling me Peaches."

WIFEY: "I'm not calling you Peaches."

ME: "Why not?"

WIFEY: "Because you can't pick your own nickname."

ME: "Why not?"

WIFEY: "Because."

ME: "What was your nickname growing up?"

WIFEY: "I don't remember."

ME: "You remember. What was the first concert you ever went to?"

WIFEY: "I don't remember."

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

The Old Guy and his comic books

THE OLD GUY: "Other than having no covers, these babies are in mint condition."

ME: "Why did you take the covers off?"

THE OLD GUY: "We liked the covers the best."

ME: "Were you in Vietnam?"

The Old Guy

THE OLD GUY: "You sure know more than me."

ME: "Yes I do."

Monday, March 22, 2010

The Three Stooges discuss Health Care Reform with Barack Obama

OBAMA: "Calling Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard!"

CURLY: "Hi'ya toots."

OBAMA: "This is for the good of the country!"

CURLY: "Every time I hear that Weasel tune, something POPS inside of me!"

MOE: "Quiet!"

OBAMA: "Not a village should be left behind!"

CURLY: "This is gettin' on my noives!"

OBAMA: "But it won't cost you more than a cup a coffee."

MOE: "Remind me to kill you later."

OBAMA: "Now gentlemen know I'm temperamental."

LARRY: "Yeah, 95% temper, 5% mental."

I AINT NO OPRAH: "This bit ain't working."

MOE: "It's tremendous!"

LARRY: "It's colossal!"

SHEMP: "It's putrid!"


Niagra Falls....

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Friday, March 12, 2010

And you look cool.

So this was in the news today:

March 11) -- In the heyday of cigarette smoking, a pack a day was "just what the doctor ordered." Of course, the purported health benefits of smoking have been largely debunked, and cigarettes today are associated with serious health hazards.

But smoking may still have at least one advantage: protection against the development of Parkinson's disease.


This might explain why Joe Frazier did so well against Muhammad Ali.

I'm guessing Smokin' Joe could also kick the ass of Michael J. Fox.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Einstein was right!

So there was this article in the 'paper' online today about Einstein and General Relativity.

According to the article, written by a 'reporter'....Einstein was right.

Of course he was right, Einstein!! He's Einstein.

Monday, March 08, 2010

Funny rape

>>>, N.C. — A North Carolina man has been arrested and charged with raping a woman and carving the word "Mine" on her stomach.<<<<<<<<<<<<

Stupid rape.

If this was just a robbery I'd be all over this story.

Maybe a road rage incident.

A kidnapping.

Identity theft.

But rape?

Can I really goof on rape?

I just can't bring myself to do it.

>>>>>HICKORY, N.C. — A North Carolina man has been arrested and charged with raping a woman and carving the word "Mine" on her stomach.<<<<<<

Stupid rape.

Gets in the way of my fun.

It's sitting there taunting me.


>>>>HICKORY, N.C. — A North Carolina man has been arrested and charged with raping a woman and carving the word "Mine" on her stomach.<<<<

Check forgery? I'm on that like spackle on a blog.

But rape?

No can do.

My rep (I have a rep) is on the line.

A line I just cannot cross.

The rape line.

>>>>HICKORY, N.C. — A North Carolina man has been arrested and charged with raping a woman and carving the word "Mine" on her stomach.<<<<<

Oh crap....the urge is just too strong....

>>>>>HICKORY, N.C. — A North Carolina man has been arrested and charged with raping a woman and carving the word "Mine" on her stomach.<<<<

It's pulling me in...

>>>>HICKORY, N.C. — A North Carolina man has been arrested and charged with raping a woman and carving the word "Mine" on her stomach.<<<<

An electro magnet pulling me further (or is it farther?) in...

>>>>HICKORY, N.C. — A North Carolina man has been arrested and charged with raping a woman and carving the word "Mine" on her stomach.<<<<

Must *cough* make *coughcough* joke....

>>>>>HICKORY, N.C. — A North Carolina man has been arrested and charged with raping a woman and carving the word "Mine" on her stomach.<<<<<

Turns out the dude hated Shields and Yarnell and meant to carve MIME on her stomach!

Wait a second????

Did I just make fun of rape???

Of course not.

I made fun of mimes.

Sunday, March 07, 2010

And the Oscar goes to....JEFF BRIDGES!

For some movie called Crazy Horse or Crazy Heart or Crazy Jason.

Or something.

But nobody has seen it.

Have you?

Or you?

Hey about YOU?

Nobody in the "Academy" saw it.

The man on the street never saw it.

Siskel or Ebert never saw it.

Dave, Jay, and Conan never saw it.

It never played in any theatres.

Or cinemas.

Or moviehouses.

Rumor has it that it played down the Nickolodeon in Spokane (Spokane is a funny name for a city)

Never played the Drive-In.

Folks say it's like the Wrestler but with a country western theme.

Or so they've heard.

They think a friend of their cousin saw it.

Possibly on a AERO-Plane to Spokane.

They also heard that Jeff was wonderful in it even though the movie itself is just so-so.

And that's why The Dude is gonna win the Oscar.

Because he's such a great actor (an ACTOR!!) that he's convinced folks that he was in Crazy Heart. Or Crazy Jason. Or something.

The movie that doesn't really exist. Never did. Never will.

Unless you've been to Spokane. And there it plays around the clock. In every cinema. In every theatre. At every picture show and every drive-in.

Crazy Heart starring Jeff Bridges. Winner of the Academy Award.


Watch as Jeff double pumps the Oscar high in the air, runs his fingers thru his mane, and then points to his charming wife of 30+ years.

And thanks his agent.

Possibly even the folks in Spokane.

Thursday, March 04, 2010

The Rolled Coin Guy

We all have a rolled coin story in us.

Here is mine:

The other day this guy comes into my shop and asks if he can pay with coins.

I say: "Sure, no problemo!" (I didn't actually say that)

So he brings his stuff up to the counter, pulls out three or four rolls of coins and pays for said stuff.

He then looks at me.

I look at him.

And then he says:

"Can I have the paper rolls back?"

And then I say:

"You mean these hard to find paper coin rolls that one puts coins into for easy counting and storage?" (I didn't use those excat words)

And he says: "Yuppers!" (he didn't actually say Yuppers...I think it was more like a regular old Yes.)

So I emptied the coins into my cash register and gave him back his coin rolls.

A penny saved is one more penny you can put into an old coin roll.

Or something.

Wednesday, March 03, 2010