Monday, May 31, 2010

Rainbow Blocks

So Wifey and I have been playing this simple little game on the i-Pad named Rainbow Blocks.

You play it by yourself. And you try to get to next levels and increase your score.

It keeps track of the ten highest scores (on your machine)

Guess who was the highest scorer?

It was early on in our game playing...I was the high scorer with something like 75,000 something points.

And when you get a high score you enter your name. If your name was Steve you might enter STEVE.

That's what I did.

The top ten scores looked something like this:


And then last week my phone was vibrating.

A text message was coming in.


Here is what it said:

"Suck it. 77,000."

(0r something like that)

Wifey was now the Rainbow Blocks leader in my household.

Her name went to the top of the list.

Until last night.

Suck it, Bitch! 85,000.

(STEVE is on top of high scorer list)

Sunday, May 30, 2010

The BP oil leak

Way back in April, down in the Gulf of Mexico, some oil rig blew up.

Since then millions and millions of gallons (quarts? pints?) of oil having been spewing into the ocean.

And BP (The oil company) has been trying to stop it. (Three Stooges style!)

Americans are following the story but for the most part aren't really thinking about it all that much.

The ramifications of this oil spill are gonna be felt for decades.

But we're still not thinking about it all that much.

Today it hit me how bad this is. How serious it is.

All I needed to do was look at the picture I posted on today's blog.

That's President Obama.

Take a look at him.

Notice his sleeves are rolled up?

This is serious.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Can you believe that she thinks I'm annoying?

So we're getting ready for bed last night.

Here is the conversation:

WIFEY: "I'll be Morking in the morning."

ME: "You'll be Morking in the morning?"

WIFEY: "I said...I'll be MORKING in the morning."

ME: "Morking?"


:::more silence:::

ME: "What time will you be Morking in the morning?"


ME: "What time will you be Morking in the morning?"


ME: "What time will you be Morking in the morning?"


ME: "What time will you be walking in the morning?"

WIFEY: "8:30."

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Taxation Without Representation. (woof!)

So on my way home last night I decide to stop at the store and pick up some dog food.

For my dog.

I bring the package of Purina Moist and Meaty up to the checkout counter.

It's $5.49.

She charges me $5.83.

Here is the conversation that follows.

ME: "Why are you charging me $5.83? The package says it's $5.49."

GAL CLERK: "There was .34 cents tax on it."

ME: "This is Massachusetts...there is no tax on food."

GAL CLERK: "There is on dog food."

ME: "It's for me."

GAL CLERK: " says right on the package 'ADULT DOG FOOD'."

ME: "I'm an adult dog."

GAL CLERK: "Paper or plastic?"

Monday, May 24, 2010

In the world there must be thousands of different things, correct?

So I'm placing a supply order for my shop.

It's $157.00 for what I want.

Up pops the 'Free Gift' offer.

They gave me two FREE GIFTS to choose from.

A Hall and Oates 'greatest hits' CD

Or NFL Crocs.


I'm not making that up!

New England Patriots Crocs!

All the things in the world and they give me TWO choices...Hall n Oates....or Crocs.

Now picture me at Gillette Stadium come December. Wearing my Silver NE PATRIOTS Crocs. (Singing Hall and Oates songs)

Picture drunken football fans spotting said silver Crocs.

Now picture my sorry gay ass getting kicked all over Foxborough.

Now picture those silver NE Patriots Crocs on ebay.

Picture me getting 20 large for them.

Now picture me growing an Oates 'stache...

Playing Checkers With Elvis

So I'm reading this puff piece on celebrities.

It's mostly about who is alive and who is dead.

Is the Professor from Gilligan's Island still alive?

Is Col. Potter from M*A*S*H still alive?

Etc etc.

But they asked the question followed by "Or is he playing checkers with Elvis."

It amused me.

(Does Elvis say "King me!" after every move?)

Saturday, May 22, 2010

It might just be a gland problem.

It's hot.

It's hot in here.

It's stuffy in here.

Do you have the heat on?

I'm hot.

Open the window.

Does this thing have air conditioning?

I'm hot. It's hot. Stuffy.

::hand fan::


It's hot.

I can't breath. It's hot.

Heat on?

It's hot. It's stuffy. Can't breath.


No air in here.

It's hot.

Do these vents work?

It's hot.

:::windows down:::

It's hot. Holy's hot.

Stuffy. Hot.

::collar stretch::

Does this place have AC?

It's hot in here.

It's always hot in here.

It's hot.

Are you hot?

It's hot. Stuffy.

Always hot.


Can't breath.

Does this thing work?

It's hot.

Do they know it's this hot in here?

I don't think this place has AC.

It's hot and stuffy.

That place is always hot.

And stuffy.

Can't breath.

:::hand fans face:::

It's hot.

Stuffy. No air.

How do people stand this?

So hot. Stuffy. Airless.


Does this car have AC...or just a heater?

Because it's hot. Stuffy.

No air. Can't breath.

::uncomfortable shift:::

::windows down::


It's always hot.

Stuffy can't breath.



No air.

:::adjusts vents up and down::

Too hot.




Today's post wasn't about anyone in particular. In no way do I mean to disparage anyone.

He's hot. He can't breath. He thinks it's stuffy. Hot. No air. Hot.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Soggy Waffles: Part Deux

So the other day the Lovely Lois brought up 'Soggy Waffles in my Teacup'.

Much laughter followed.

Just something about the expression.

'Soggy Waffles in my Teacup'

It's funny.

But I'm a guy. It sounded....dirty.

So Google came into play.

Trust don't want to google 'Soggy Waffle'

You especially don't want to see the definitions on Urban Dictionary.

Trust me.

Picture a Frat House.

Picture what the brothers would do to a waffle to make it soggy.

Picture a frathouse game involving said soggy waffle.

Now picture the loser having to eat said soggy waffle.

Urban Dictionary. People are nuts.

But I kept reading.

I'm a guy.

And there it was. The 5th definition.

It cracked me up.

It was simple.

To the point (as all things should be)

Soggy Waffle: a sub-par vagina.

A sub-par vagina.

That has to be the worst insult you can give a broad (other than "Your ass looks huge")

GUY: "Ummmm, Honey...I've been meaning to tell you that you have a sub-par vagina."

GAL: "Wha-wha-what????!

GUY: "You know, a soggy waffle."

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Monday, May 17, 2010

When it's a jar.

So I'm standing there and I point the thingy at the door.

I expect to hear the 'click-click'.

I hear nothing.

I push 'unlock' again.



Maybe the battery is dead?

I push 'unlock' again.



I have a store to open and it's getting late!

Maybe I'll call Wifey and she can buzz down here with the spare keyless entry fob thingy.

Pain in the neck.

I can't believe I'm standing here and can't get the door to open.

What should I do?


I pride myself on never being late!!

I push the 'unlock' button again hoping to hear the satisfying 'click-click'.



And then at that moment I realized I was trying to open my store door with my car keyless remote thingy.

I looked around. Nobody saw me.

I took the store key and put it in the lock.

I turned said key and started my day...

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Serving Size Smerving Size.

So Wifey buys me this box of microwave pancakes/sausage thingies. (Mine didn't have blueberries in them)

Pay attention.

In the box are 10 of these things. Ten.

Keep paying attention.

On the side of the box it says a 'serving size is 4'

Pay attention.

On the side of the box are the instructions.

Paying attention?

The instructions tell me to put three of these on a plate and then in the microwave.

Did you pay attention?

This is math class!!!

10 in a box, serving size is 4, put 3 in the oven.

It makes no sense!

You can't get a serving! You have a plate that's one short.

Or you can microwave two orders of three but then you have three cold ones.

Or if you microwave three orders of three you end up with one lone pig in a blanket.

I'm gonna kill someone.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Sunday, May 09, 2010

The Oil Spill

There is a huge oil problem in the Gulf Of Mexico.

Milions and millions of gallons of oil are shooting out of some well and into the ocean. (It might not be an actual well...more like a hole in the bottom of the ocean. Or something.)


Anyhow, all the top brains (Stephen Hawking was not present) couldn't come up with a plan so some 6 year old boy came up with the brilliant plan to make some 100 ton 'box' and place it over the leak.

Of course they tried it, and it failed.

So now they're back to square one.

And they've come up with this new genius plan.

This new plan sounds like it was conceived by Dennis Mitchell.

I'm not making this is what they might try:

"The next tactic with be a junk shot. They'll take a bunch of debris, shredded up tires, golf balls and things like that and under very high pressure shoot it into the preventer itself and see if they can clog it up and stop the leak."


Yeah, that should work.

(If only Stephen Hawking could fly to the future and get the needed futuristic shredded tires and futuristic golf balls...)

The "Handicapped" Guy.

So I'm looking out the store window across the street.

I see a van pull up and park in the handicapped space.

The space is CLEARLY marked as a handicapped space.

Then I see a wheelchair hit the pavement.

Followed by a guy.

The guy then unfolds the wheelchair and "drags" his body into said wheelchair and wheels down the street to places unknown.


Friday, May 07, 2010

If I had a son his name was gonna be Gabehcuod

'Nevaeh, which is heaven spelled backward, was the 34th most popular baby name for girls. Heaven came in at No. 275.'

Thursday, May 06, 2010

A simple kiss goodnight.

So one of our close female friends was over last night.

When she left I gave her a quick kiss goodnight.

Here is the coversation that followed:

WIFEY: "Did you see what he just did?"

MISTRESS: "No...what did he do?"

WIFEY: "When he just kissed you he lifted his leg all girly like, like this ::girly leg lift:::

ME: "I did not!"

WIFEY: "YOU DID! Just like this ::girly leg lift::"

ME: "Didn't."

WIFEY: "Did."

Wednesday, May 05, 2010

A GLEE interlude

So me and Wifey are watching GLEE last night.

In the episode Olivia Newton John made an appearance and sang one of her signature songs.

Here is the conversation that followed:

ME: "If you sing 'Let's Get Physical' for me RIGHT NOW, I'll give you one hundred dollars."

WIFEY: "No."

Sunday, May 02, 2010

The Pacific on HBO

So HBO as been showing their new World War Two mini-series THE PACIFIC.

It's kinda like Band of Brothers but set in the Pacific Ocean theatre of war against the Japanese.

It mostly follows a group of young U.S. Marines thrown into the most hellish combat you've ever seen or even thought about.

Limbs being blown off! Explosions! Islands infested with rats and crabs.

No drinking water. No sleep. Filthy rotten living conditions.

At war with the most brutal enemy modern man has ever seen.

It's a not a show for the squeamish.

These Marines went through so many hardships. Pain and blood and death. It's a wonder they came back even being able to speak.

Talk about heroes all you want but these World War Two guys are the kings of heroes.

Still with me?

I don't normally review tv shows on this here blog...but something happened to me the other day and I felt I had to share.

I was cutting the grass at home Friday morning when I noticed one of the wooden beams on my fence had fallen down.

I picked it up and put it back where it belonged...and in the process I got a splinter on the palm of my hand.

It was at that moment that I knew what the Marines stationed in the Pacific during World War Two went thru.

The pain. The suffering.

Semper Fi. Semper Fi.