Friday, August 27, 2010

The one about the caution tape.

So last night was buddy nite and at the end of the evening the two distinguished gentlemen (me and Hoag) decided to have a cigar.

We smoked them outside, in front of the restaurant.

We decided we would look much cooler if we cordoned off a section of the patio area using some caution tape and smoke the cigar while sitting behind the caution tape barrier.

Caution Tape? Check. Cigars? Check. Looking Cool? Check.

And then a car pulled up beside us.

Here is the conversation that followed:

PEOPLE IN CAR: "HEY!! Can we have that caution tape?"

US: "Yup."

Sunday, August 22, 2010

A Day Off

I've worked every day for the last four or five months without a day off.

Maybe longer.

Seven days a week. Every week. Even the 4th of July.

I work. It's what I do.

But starting soon I'm going to start having one day off a week.

I was explaining this to Wifey and her friend.

So Wifey's friend asks what I'll do on my day off.

This is how Wifey responded:

WIFEY: "He'll probably just lay on the couch all day watching movies."


You know, because I'm lazy.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Weird Poops

DAUGHTER: "We have some weird poops in the yard."

ME: "Huh?"

DAUGHTER: "All around the yard I see weird looking poop."

ME: "It's probably from skunks or the woodchuck."

DAUGHTER: "I don't think so."


A few weeks go by:

One of the neighbors comes over and tells me she saw some wild turkeys in my back yard.


ME: "Remember those weird poops you saw in the yard...I was told there were some wild turkeys out there this morning. It's probably from them."

DAUGHTER: "I don't think so."

Weird poops.
Weird poops.
Weird poops.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Sinatra and the Stooge

So the other night me and Hoag were discussing the fine art of tipping.

He mentioned how Sinatra had someone that paid his dinner and bar tabs.

Here is that conversation:

HOAG: "So Sinatra never had to worry about tipping...he had some stooge with a wad of bills handle that."


I just knowingly looked at Hoag.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Brilliant ideas come at 4:00 am.

Have you ever heard the story of how the Rolling Stones got the song Satisfaction?

Keith Richards woke up in the middle of the night with the riff in his head. And somehow recorded it before passing out in a drunken stupor.

Have you ever heard where I figured out how to beat the casinos at roulette?

It was was brilliant...I was so excited! I tossed and turned after coming up with it. Finally I called Cousin Saul. We were gonna kick Atlantic City arse!

Saul quickly figured out what was wrong with my plan. (The casinos set betting limits...otherwise I had them)


Last night I woke up with this other brilliant idea!

Borderline genius!

I was too tired to jot it down...but awake enough to remember it.

The next time I went a plane trip I would buy a huge box of pens.

About an hour into the trip I would take said box of pens and walk down the aisle handing them out to the happy crowd.


The song Satisfaction is better than me handing out a box of pens on a plane.

Handing out pens on a plane was brilliant at 4:00am.


Sunday, August 08, 2010

It appears that Wal-Mart speak-a-da-Spanish.

///////“We spend a lot of time listening to our customers,” says Amy Lester, a spokeswoman for Wal-Mart////////////////

Saturday, August 07, 2010

A good old fashioned 9/11 post.

Remember the 9/11 attacks?

Around the clock news coverage?

Do you think if it had happened on a busy news day we would have even heard about it?

Wednesday, August 04, 2010

A Wifey/Daughter conversation

WIFEY: "Did you just see that??"


WIFEY: "What he just did."

DAUGHTER: "He didn't do anything."

WIFEY: "I told you that is what he'd do."


WIFEY: "That he wouldn't even look at me."

DAUGHTER: "Why wouldn't he look at you."

WIFEY: "Because he's your father and I'm wearing capris."

Monday, August 02, 2010


So I go down to the Town Hall today to pay my real estate taxes.

I like doing it in person. They have candy at the pay window.

I start writing out my check.

I notice a CPA surcharge on my bill $25.63.

What??? My town doesn't factor in accounting into my real estate bill??

Did they just make up numbers before??

So I talk to the lady at the counter. Here is that conversation:

ME: "Are you people greedy? Insane? CPA SURCHARGE!!??? How dare you charge me an accounting fee surcharge on my real estate bill!! You know every freakin' year you're going to have to figure this out and pay accountants!!"

LADY: "Sir..."

ME: "Listen...I'm sick of you weasels bleeding me dry! Accounting fee!! What kinda bullshit is an accounting surcharge!!???"

LADY: "Sir..."

ME: "CPA surcharge?? That's crazy!!"

LADY: "Sir, if you'd..."

ME: "You people just take and take and take...."

LADY: "Sir...the CPA surchage isn't about's a Community Preservation Area that the voters voted in back in 2006. It's been on your bill since then."

ME: "Oh. Have a great day!"