Wednesday, February 02, 2011
It's time for.... SNIPPETS 2011
WIFEY: "Who was in here? There is sand all over the floor!"
ME: "I was. I wouldn't say sand is ALL over the floor."
ME: "Should we just leave without paying?"
The other day I helped out a neighbor by snowblowing his driveway while he was gone.
There was about 12" of snow.
Last night he paid me back by doing mine while I was at work.
Mine had about 5" or 6" of snow.
Sometimes a driveway is just a cigar.
BANK TELLER: "It will be about ten minutes before he can see you."
JERK: "I don't want to hear ten minutes if it's really going to be twenty."
BANK TELLER: "Well, he's with someone right now...I'm guessing it will be about ten minutes but I have no way of knowing exactly how long."
JERK: "No more than ten minutes though?"
repeat repeat repeat
ME: "Hey, Asshole...she said around ten minutes."
POSTAL CLERK: "Would you lik..."
ME: "I don't need insurance, delivery confirmation, or stamps. There is nothing liquid, fragile, or hazardous in this box. Just send this priority as marked."
POSTAL CLERK: "Would you like some gift bags or stamp albums?"
ME: "How much are the gift bags?"
LADY: "Do you know where Newton Street is?"
ME: "Nope...I'm not from around here."
LADY: "May I come behind the counter and look?"
ME: "Newton Street ain't behind my counter."
LADY: "I meant may I look on your computer?"
So I'm at a concert last week. I wanted to leave the venue for ten minutes and come back. Here is the conversation.
ME: "Is it okay if I step out and come back in ten minutes."
SECURITY GUY: "We don't normally allow that but I'll remember you and let you back in."
ME: "How will you remember me in a crowd of thousands of concert goers?"
SECURITY GUY: "You're the guy wearing jeans."