Tuesday, September 27, 2011

With an S because Snip it with a Z would be Liza



ME: "Why don't you join me and Wifey on Saturday night?"

KAREN: "Saturday night is date night."

WIFEY: "Come along...we're just roommates."

----------

ME IN MAY: "If the Red Sox don't win the World Series I will cut off my pinky toe."

-----------

ME NOW: "Fuck."

-----------

ON THE CHARLIE SHEEN ROAST: They bleep out the words 'down syndrome' but left in 'retard'.

---------

ME: "If you could kill one person who would it be?"

CUSTOMER: "About five or six people."

---------

BARTENDER: "That's nice that you remember my name."

ME: "Michelle?"

BARTENDER: "No, it's Brittany, but you were close."

--------

HOAGY: "In forty years how did we never come up with the name HOMOGY before?"

-------

PERSON WALKING INTO SHOP: "Do you sell Sony Walkmans?"

ME: "Does anybody?"

(I had heard a Walkman reference earlier in the week so I was ready with this snappy comeback)

------------

ME ON PHONE: "Did you get my urine?"

PERSON ON PHONE: "Yes. Thank you. We will send you a refund next week."

-----------

DOOFUS: "So what did you do with the carcass?"

ME: "It's not a carcass. It's my dog."

----------

ACTUAL PRODUCT:

HAND SANITIZER FOR PEOPLE THAT MIGHT HAVE TOUCHED THEIR GENITALS.

ME: "Do they make it in bigger bottles?"

-------------

3 comments:

Cake not signed in said...

Questions:

1) Your urine was such low quality, they're sending you a refund?

2) You'll tip over all the time if you cut off just one pinky toe...better cut off both.
2a) We call it a "baby toe" here.

3) I've been saying "Homogy" and "[gay version of your name]" for years.

4) If I was Wifey, I think I'd look for a different, less [censored] and retarded roommate.

5) *sad face*

So to sum up my comment:

I did it all in the wrong order...you figure out which response goes where, I'm too tired.

Someone said...

What was her problem? Brittany... Michelle... they both have 8 letters. They both contain the letter i.
So snippy!

Menachim Shneersohn said...

Ohhh- Brittany and Michelle, thhe Rabinowitz twins? I think I know them. Peanut butter legs, yes?