Tuesday, May 31, 2011

A business forum

So I go on a business related forum every day.

And it's a bit loosey-goosey most of the time.

I'm going to break protocol and talk about a conversation that was on there today.

Folks were doing the usual back and forth when someone mentioned something small.

One of the female members chimed in (paraphrased):

FEMALE: "Trust me, I know about small...I once dated an Asian guy."

MALE RESPONDING: "You're so lacist."

(not a typo)

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Even White Women Can Be Stupid.

WHITE WOMAN: "Would you like me to close your door?"

ME: "Yes, please."

:::leaves door open:::

Friday, May 27, 2011

The Ruth Gordon Carol Channing Drunken Mutant

So yesterday this old creepy lady came in.

She was drunk. She looked like a wicked skinny Ruth Gordon and sounded like a fat Carol Channing.

She was angry.

Here is the conversation:

GORDON CHANNING: "I'm looking for something for my niece."

ME: "How old is she?"

GORDON CHANNING: "How the fuck am I supposed to know?? Maybe nine."

ME: "I have these books and there are some toys over there..."

GORDON CHANNING: "I don't want that fucking shit."

ME: "Try the shop down the street next to the ice cream shop."

GORDON CHANNING: "Their ice cream is all freezer burned!!!"

ME: "NEXT to the ice cream shop."

GORDON CHANNING: "Fucking pain in the ass kids."

ME: "Thank you."

Thursday, May 26, 2011

The most amazing thing you've ever seen!

ME: "So what is the most amazing thing you've ever seen?"

WIFEY: "I saw two babies born and I watched as two people died."

ME: "Wow!"

:::twenty seconds of silence:::

WIFEY: "What's the most amazing thing you've ever seen?"

ME: "The i-Phone."

Monday, May 23, 2011

Michelle Obama or The Grinch?

Idiotically stupid

WIFEY: "You're idiotically stupid!"

ME: "Isn't being stupid enough? You have to put in idiotically?"

WIFEY: "Yes, because you are idiotically stupid."

ME: "Idiotically stupid?"

WIFEY: "Yes. Idiotically stupid."

ME: "You are."

WIFEY: "No, you are."

ME: "Idiotically stupid."

WIFEY: "Yes."

Sunday, May 22, 2011

My Screen Test

It's stuffy in the bedroom.

It needs air. It's hot.

It's an airless hellhole.

Air. Breeze.

But we haven't washed the windows yet so the screens ain't on the windows.

And you can't sleep with the windows open if you ain't got no screens on (Sounds like a Pink Floyd song)

Stuff. EEEEE.

I need air!

Another airless night ahead of me.

I can't wait any longer.

I don't much care if the outside of the windows haven't been washed.

I'm putting up the screens. I'm putting on the Ritz.

Come to me Air, come to me.

So I go down to the basement where we store the screens. I pick out the one labelled B1-2 (Bedroom 1, Window 2 for you stupid people)

Yes, I labelled the screens...but of course I forgot which bedroom is #1 etc.

It don't matter...the windows are all the same size.

So I pull up the blind.

I unlock the window.

Slide the window up.

I'm fully in Screen Putting Up Mode.


There is already a screen on window.

I must have forgotten to take it down last fall.

I suffered the last few weeks with airplane air in the bedroom.

(I'm sure it will rain tonight or the birds will get up extra early or it will be wicked windy. Or something)

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Or maybe we will just call you Asshole.

"I decided that I’m gonna change my name for a week in honor of my comeback," he said on a video he released. "I’ve gone as Puff, Puffy, Puff Daddy, P. Diddy, Diddy, King Combs – my real name is Sean Combs – and for a week, this week only, you can call me by my new name, Swag.”

Thursday, May 19, 2011

The Note

So a week or so ago I ask Wifey to get something at the store.

When I woke up in the morning (she was gone)she had left a note on the counter.

I will parapharse said note. Keep in mind that she wrote the note:



So let's review:

I ask for something and she leaves me a note so she will remember.

And people wonder why I married her.

Toaster Pastries.

I went to see a comedian the other night and he did a bit on Poptarts.

I like Poptarts.

Actually I like store brand toaster pastries better (I just did the taste test this week)

I have two Poptarts (toaster pastry) almost every day.

In a year that's over 700 toaster pastries.

Each toaster pastry is about four inches long. In a day I eat about eight inches of popped tart.

In a year that's about 2900 inches of brown sugar heaven.

I've been doing the brown sugar cinnamon for about five years now.

14,600 inches of toaster pastry. 1216 feet.

You know what they say?

Everything is fine in moderation.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Monday, May 16, 2011

It's science time with I Ain't No Oprah!

What you are about to read is my understanding.

I am not a scientist.

Though I do wear glasses for reading.

So last night I'm watching a sad show on tv. I might (I said I MIGHT) have teared up once or twice.

And it got me to thinking.

Men have vascetomies. The doctor goes 'down there' and makes a small cut and ties something off preventing sperm from being released while ejaculating. (It doesn't prevent the doctor from ejaculating)

Men have this done so they won't get women pregnant.

There is no other reason.

Unless they think the scar looks sexy.

(It does)

But the man still produces semen which which still comes out while ejaculating.

But the sperm doesn't.

Guess what happens to the sperm?


So let's say that a man had a vasectomy on the last Friday of December of 1989.

That man has GALLONS of sperm absorbed into his body!! (Sperm love to be measured in gallons)

What happens to this sperm?

When I teared up last night was it running down my cheeks??

When I sneeze does my sperm go airborne!!???

When I do the Q-tip Watusi am I cleaning sperm out of my ears??

Do I bleed sperm? Let's say I had a pimple and I popped it? Sperm?

I'm mowing the lawn and sweating. SPERM!

I could go on and on about where sperm is flying out of my body.

But I won't.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Friday, May 06, 2011

It's ethnic week at the shop.

Mama Leone just left the store. (She bought some Elvis and Betty Boop stuff)

Here is the conversation:

ME: "...and that will be $17.46."

HER: "Here you go, Paesano."

Thursday, May 05, 2011

Chinko da Mayo

So this Chinese gal just walks in the store.

Her being Chinese has nothing to do with the story other than giving me a clever title for a post on May 5th. (She really was Chinese)

Here is the coversation that followed:

GAL: "Hello!"

ME: "Hi...how are you you!"

GAL: "I'm good. I just came in to tell you that God loves you!"

ME: "Awesome! That's a relief. I'm glad he doesn't hate me"

GAL: "Do you often think he hates you?"

ME: "I never think he hates me."

GAL: "May I pray for you?"

ME: "Sure...but just not in the store. Use the sidewalk."

GAL: "But nobody is in the store right now."

ME: "I just don't like praying in here."

GAL: "Do you like comics?"

ME: "I love them."

GAL: "What's your favorite?"

ME: "The last one I sold."

GAL: "What one was that?"

ME: "I don't know."

GAL: "Ahhh...business."

ME: "Thank you!"

GAL: "God loves you."

Dr. McCoy examines Osama bin Laden (and Jackie Cooper)

Tuesday, May 03, 2011

So every Buddy Nite me and The Hoag toast someone famous who died that week.

Bin Laden died this week.

Do we toast Bin Laden?

That would be a bit odd. Though he is dead. Toasting him might be amusing.

But probably not.

Lucky for us Alice Ward and Yvette Vickers were also shot and killed by Navy Seals this week.

Monday, May 02, 2011

The Situation Room

Just a cool picture as the raid on bin Laden went down.

You da Man!

I would just like to thank George Bush for working behind the scenes (with no pay!) and finally geting Osama bin Laden.

Nicely done!

Sunday, May 01, 2011


Don't you hate when someone complains about there being ten hot dogs in a package and six hot dog buns in that package?

It's been said to death.

Here is the real hot dog problem.

Last night I cooked three hot dogs.

When I went to put them in the buns I noticed that the hot dogs were too long and hung out of the ends of the buns.

Now think what you might, but I don't eat no hot dog that's hanging out of the bun.

So what did I do?

Well, I will tell you.

I made each hot dog fit the bun. And then with the pieces that didn't fit I put into another bun.

So now my three hot dogs were four hot dogs.

And that my friends is The Ballad of Three Hot Dogs becoming The Ballad of Four Hot Dogs.

And ballads about hot dogs are the best kind of ballads.