Wednesday, June 29, 2011

The RAID on Antebbe

So the other day I'm putting a bag of trash in my trunk when I notice a few ants on the bag.

I take said bag and put it inside another plastic bag and then put back in trunk.

(I'm taking trash to a dumpster)

So I get to the dumpster about an hour later and I open up the trunk.


And not the good Jemima kind!

My trunk is covered in ants!! Tons of ants!

I go inside my shop and find a can of RAID and spray the crap out of my trunk.

I wipe it clean with a sponge.

I taught those bastards a big time lesson.

Stay outta my trunk, Ants!!

My day continues. Hours pass. Night nears.

My workday is done. I go out to my car.

I check the trunk. No ants.

Did I mention it was a steamy day?

I get in my car.

It's a freakin' oven in there with Zyklon B fumes choking me!!

It reeks of death in my car. It reeks of RAID!

I can hear the ants laughing at me.


Three days later my car is still a headache inducing deathmobile.

I have to drive with the windows down (those that know me know that I hate that!!)

This morning I covered the trunk with Arm and Hammer baking soda.

It did no good.

Some weird kinda chemsitry is going on in my trunk. It ain't good.

Never forget.

The ants still laugh.

I still have a RAID headache.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

I've failed you.

I tried.

I really, really tried.

But I failed.

I was sure I was gonna be able work up a clever Anthony Weiner/Whitey Bulger post.

But I couldn't.

I guess there just ain't anything funny about a Bulger Weiner post.

(Though we all know there should be)

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Evan the Liar

EVAN: "Hi. I. Am. Evan. And. I. Stutter. What. Time. Are. You. Open. Until?

ME: "Hi Evan! We're open until 6:30 during the week and until 5:00 on the weekends."

EVAN: "Thank. You."


The little bastard lied to me. He didn't stutter at all.

It would have been more fun if he had.

Monday, June 20, 2011

The guy wearing the turban in his suv.

So I'm driving to work and I spot this guy in a Land Cruiser.

He's wearing a turban.

Put those two things togther and for some reason my mind brings me to 9/11.

It just does.

Was the guy's SUV loaded with explosives?

Was he on his way to blow up The Hancock Building? The Ted Willaims tunnel?

I hate having these thoughts. They all take place within about fifteeen seconds. Usually I forget about them.

Not this time.

This guy I will probably remember for the rest of my life.

If I was gonna blow something up in America I certainly wouldn't wear my turban.

He did. He was practically flaunting it.

The fucker.

I drove side by side with him for maybe 4 seconds. No eye contact made.

He finally passed me.

I was prepared to write down his plate number.

Until I looked at said plate.

He had a vanity plate.

It read:


The Taliban are going to kill us with Jazz.

Sunday, June 19, 2011


Let me tell you about Richie.

He looks about 40-45.

He has crazy bushy hair, peppered with gray.

He's nuts.

Always with a stained or torn vintage rock and roll t-shirt on.

Numerous gold chains around his neck. Nicotine stains on his ringed fingers.

He rolls his own smokes.

He loves classic rock and roll and is very knowledgable about it.

When he shops with me he asks what everything costs (even though everything has a price tag on it)

He's very random.

He's a pain in the neck...but very charming. (always with the smile)

When he first started shopping with me we would always exchange 'soul handshakes' in spite of his whiteness. (My OCD took over and now we fist-bump)

Last week Richie wanted to return a $295.00 item that he bought three years ago. He still had the receipt. (I didn't want it back with it now being covered in nicotine stains)

I think he is on some type of state program (he certainly doesn't work)


Do you have a good picture of Richie in your head?

Richie came in yesteday, a Stevie Ray Vaughan song was playing on the radio.

The shop was empty.

Richie started singing along with the song. Not like Stevie Ray.

Richie might have the best singing voice I've ever in my life heard.

He just kept belting out the song. Smiling as he sang.

I looked at him stunned.

I told him he was incredible and should at least try out for American Idol or one of those types of shows.

He said he just likes to sing for himself.

I'm plan on riding his ripped up Bob Segar T-shirt to untold millions.

(And he thanked me for not allowing the return the previous week as he ended up getting the money somewhere else)

Saturday, June 18, 2011

It ain't me that's going to hell.

I have a cancer guy in my shop.

Right now.

A guy that has cancer.

Real cancer.

He's a total douchebag. A cancer-ridden douchebag.

I hope he dies of cancer.

After he suffers horribly for the next few weeks.



Less of a dick, more of the chemo.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Thursday, June 16, 2011

A great quote from an article I just read. I will dedicate it to CAKE.

'This was Vancouver's title to win or lose. Plenty of Canadians would have been rooting for Boston last night because, contrary to international opinion, we have our fair share of assholes up here, too.'

Love means never having to say you're sorry for rioting.

I now love hockey.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

The Fire Inspection

Once a year the fire department does an inspection of my store.

This year they told me that the area near the back door needed to be cleaned out.

Here is the conversation:

SPARKY: "...and you'll need to clean out this area here."

ME: "Why?"

SPARKY: "Because it's a marked exit and people have to be able to get thru in case of a fire."

ME: "Geez...I really don't have any place to put this stuff."

SPARKY: "It's a finable offense."

ME: "How about I move it just when the fire starts?"

SPARKY: "Do you have any Shogun Warriors?"

Monday, June 13, 2011

Taxation widout representin'

("That pic is a senseless & ignorant hoax McD's values ALL our customers. Diversity runs deep in our culture on both sides of the counter," the company tweeted on its official account Saturday.)

Friday, June 10, 2011

Anthony Weiner.

We've all read about Anthony Weiner.

Did you know he wanted to run for Mayor of New York? (really)

That might not happen now because of the scandal.

But let's pretend he did run.

And now let's pretend he won!

I'm guessing if he ever had a comeback like that...Hollywood would make a movie about it.

Or maybe a documentary.

Imagine if it won the big award??

"And here is your Oscar, Mayor Weiner!"

I'll be here all week.

Wednesday, June 08, 2011

Swiped from SurvivingGrady

The Backstroke

So I went to take my last sip of coffee before brushing my teeth when I noticed a fly in my brew.

How long was he there?

Had I been slurping my coffee while BrundleFly was doing laps?

I looked back in the cup. I looked at the fly.

I took my last sip.

And then poured the rest down the drain.

Luckily that fly can swim.

Monday, June 06, 2011

Sometimes A Cigar Is Just A Cool Song

The Cravings

So yesterday I get a text from Wifey:

"Could you please stop at Burger King on your way home and get me two hamburgers...I'm craving them."

I bring her two hamburgers. Because that's the kinda guy I am.

When I get home I notice that there is another text on my phone.

"Could you please get me five navel oranges?"

So I apologize to Wifey for not noticing the text and the request for oranges.

Here is what she said:

"Oh crap, I meant to send that text to Youngest Daughter, not you."


So lets review:

In the span of a few minutes Wifey sends out two texts (that we know about) requesting food from two different food groups because she is CRAVING them!!

Is it possible that she sent out numerous other texts to her Food Army to satisfy her other cravings???

She's a goddamn eating machine with numerous cravings and she might not be able to be stopped!! DELETE HER TEXTS!!!

Sunday, June 05, 2011

I couldn't have said it better myself. (Amazing that we aren't allowed to use the word 'Retard' anymore)(she's still kinda hot)

"He who warned the British that they weren't gonna be takin' away our arms by ringing those bells, and makin' sure as he's riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be sure and we were going to be free, and we were going to be armed."

Saturday, June 04, 2011

Scolded by Hoag

So I'm out with my buddy Hoag the other night when all of a sudden he says to me "Be less of a dick!"

Here is part of the rest of the conversation:

ME: "I'm a dick?"

HOAG: "Be less of a dick."

ME: "Do people think I'm a dick?"

HOAG: "Be less of a dick."

ME: "But people know I'm just kidding with them!"

HOAG: "Be less of a dick."

Did I mention when we went into the restaurant we kinda butted in front of Caren and Martha to get the last table in the bar area?

Did I mention that they were now sitting at the bar?

Here is some more conversation:

ME: "Hey...should I go offer them our table?"

HOAG: "No. I kinda like it here."

ME: "I'm not really gonna give them our table. I'm just gonna flaunt the table to them."

HOAG: "Be less of a dick."

Thursday, June 02, 2011

Had The Beatles known about Thick Cut Bacon they would have sang about it.

Wifey doesn't tell me about stuff.

(See the above picture)

How the heck was I supposed to know about thick cut bacon??

By going into the grocery store by myself. That's how.

Thick Cut Bacon.

So I buy some and bring it home.

Here is the conversation that followed:

ME: "Look what I found!"

WIFEY: "Gross."

ME: "Why didn't you tell me about this??"

WIFEY: "You're going to die of a heart attack."

ME: "You're going to die from something else."

Wednesday, June 01, 2011

A Murder of Horses

So in the shop I have a bunch of toy horses that I bought from a gal.

The other day a woman from the Middle East came in and commented on the horses.

Here is that conversation (Read it with her accent):

MIDDLE EAST GAL: "Hello...could you tell me how much for the horse in the window?"

ME: "That is $14.95."

MIDDLE EAST GAL: "Where are your camels?"

ME: "I don't have any camels."

MIDDLE EAST GAL: :::dumbfounded::: "Really?"