Monday, August 29, 2011

I miss you

This was going to be a post about not watching TV for over thirty hours because of the "hurricane" that caused our power to go out.

I was going to talk about what TV means to me. How it keeps me warm. Happy. Sane.

How it's on even when I ain't watching.

How it's been with me for most of my life.

How I've never gone thirty plus hours without it.

My withdrawal pains.

My shows I missed (True Blood!)

It was going to make you sad.

TV is TV and it should always be on in my house.

And I was going to make all sorts of witty comments on how No TV makes No sense.

And on and on and on.

And then I remembered something.

We went out to eat last night and we watched TV at the bar.

So I basically didn't watch TV the normal amount of time I don't watch TV.

And all is right with the world.

Or something.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Veni Vidi iPhone

The iPhone.

The most beautiful thing ever made.

I said ever.

It's sleek. It's smooth.

It's Halle Berry wrapped up in more Halle Berry.

It's the iPhone.

It feels good in your hand. In your pocket.

It looks good on the table in a restaurant.

It looks good in your car.

Against your ear.

It's the iPhone.

They could have have called it the Love Phone.

Or the Halle Berry Phone.

So here we have the most beautiful thing in the world and what do most people do with it?

They cover it up with a bulky, lame, ugly case!

Would you cover up Halle Berry with a bulky lame ugly case?

Of course not!

Stop dropping your iPhone and you won't need a case!

It's the iPhone.

The most beautiful thing ever made.

I said EVER.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Walk This Way

Over on the right hand side of this blog there is a LINKS section.

See the one named ABBEY ROAD?

Well, basically it's a web cam pointed at the famous crossing made famous by The Beatles on their classic(though not as good as Rubber Soul or Revolver) Abbey Road album.

That webcam shows the Abbey Road crossing 24 hours a day, every day.

And it's become a tourist attraction. And folks tend to walk in the crosswalk and cross kinda like the Beatles did.

Four people will get in the middle of the street, pose all Beatle-ee, and then a friend will snap a picture.

This goes on every few minutes.

Some people do it on their wedding day in wedding attire. Some people dress up like the Beatles.

And every so often someone won't know where they are and they just cross the street in a diagonal fashion outside of the famed Beatle Crosswalk!!

You're at Abbey EFFIN Road!!! Cross the goddamn street (road) like a goddamn BEATLE!!

Crossing in a diagonal fashion IS NOT THE BEATLE WAY!!!

Some guys will cross it all serpentine.

It's Abbey Road. Cross that street (road) with your back straight, arms to your side, a nice wide Beatle gait!!

It's The Beatle Way!

Do I need to mention it's a law?

A Beatle law?

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Howard Stern

So I'm in the car the other day listening to The Howard Stern Show on the radio.

Howard does some pretty good interviews and part of his style is to sometimes ask very personal questions. Usually when the person isn't expecting it.

Sometimes those questions are wicked raunchy.

So he's talking to some guy (I forget who it was)

Here is part of the interview:

HOWARD: "So have you ever kissed a man?"

GUY: "NO!"

{Now just before the next question I was pulling up to pay the toll on The Pike}

HOWARD: "Would you ever blow a man?"

TOLL TAKER: "No. And that will be 70 cents."

ME: "That was Howard asking! Not me!"

Moral of the Story?

Turn your radio down when paying tolls.

Hungry, Hungry Hitler

Love my Good and Plenty!

Thursday, August 11, 2011

The universe always balances out

Yes, the children of Somalia are starving.

But they get to live in swinging bowls.

What do you think Hoag will wear tonight?

Tuesday, August 09, 2011

a simple thank you.

I'll keep this simple today.

I'd like to thank the disabled veterans.

For the free address labels I get each year.

God Bless America.

Monday, August 08, 2011

The oxen are free.

I have two daughters.

One is 21 years old, the other is 25 years old.

They came over to the house the other night just to hang out.

At one point in the evening Wifey got up to use the bathroom.

Here is what happened next:

ME: (in my whisper voice) "Hey, quick! Hide on your mother!!"

They instantly got up and ran behind the couch in the family room.

I could hear the hushed laughter as they became 4 and 8 again.


WIFEY: "Where are the girls?"

ME: "They got a call and had to leave."

Saturday, August 06, 2011

Thursday, August 04, 2011

Wednesday, August 03, 2011

Wifey calls it 'dog' when what she really means is dog fur

So I come home last night and give the signal to Wifey to give me a hug.

WIFEY: "No, you have dog all over you!"

ME: "I don't have dog all over me!"

But I take my shirt off anyhow (I still have a t-shirt on...calm down) and throw it on the counter and give the hug signal.

WIFEY: "NO! Now there is dog near the fruit!!"

ME: "No dog near the fruit."

So I take the shirt off the counter and toss it on the kitchen island. I give the hug signal.

WIFEY: "No! Now there is dog near the candle!


All the while the actual dog was just sitting on the floor.

Monday, August 01, 2011

A Minute To Win It

So there is this game show on tv called A MINUTE TO WIN IT.

They have different skill type games for the contestants to do in one minute to win money.

The more tasks they complete, the more money they earn.

Usually they team up two people (usually hot sisters with cleavage)

I'm watching the other night. One contestant is doing the skill game of blowing ping pong balls onto a dish (or something equally lame)

The teammate watches and screams encouragement.

Here is what the teammate screamed as the clock ticked down the sixty seconds:

Dr.UnclearOnTheConcept: "Now just take your time!!!"


A Minute To Win It.