Friday, September 30, 2011
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
ME: "Why don't you join me and Wifey on Saturday night?"
KAREN: "Saturday night is date night."
WIFEY: "Come along...we're just roommates."
ME IN MAY: "If the Red Sox don't win the World Series I will cut off my pinky toe."
ME NOW: "Fuck."
ON THE CHARLIE SHEEN ROAST: They bleep out the words 'down syndrome' but left in 'retard'.
ME: "If you could kill one person who would it be?"
CUSTOMER: "About five or six people."
BARTENDER: "That's nice that you remember my name."
BARTENDER: "No, it's Brittany, but you were close."
HOAGY: "In forty years how did we never come up with the name HOMOGY before?"
PERSON WALKING INTO SHOP: "Do you sell Sony Walkmans?"
ME: "Does anybody?"
(I had heard a Walkman reference earlier in the week so I was ready with this snappy comeback)
ME ON PHONE: "Did you get my urine?"
PERSON ON PHONE: "Yes. Thank you. We will send you a refund next week."
DOOFUS: "So what did you do with the carcass?"
ME: "It's not a carcass. It's my dog."
HAND SANITIZER FOR PEOPLE THAT MIGHT HAVE TOUCHED THEIR GENITALS.
ME: "Do they make it in bigger bottles?"
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Monday, September 19, 2011
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Monday, September 12, 2011
So Michael J Fox guest starred on the last episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm.
At one point in the episode Michael proceeds to give Larry a can of Coke.
We all know what happened next...
Sunday, September 11, 2011
It's September 11th and I'm gonna tell you a little story about this September 11th.
Does it tie in to that infamous Sept. 11th ten years ago?
Last week Wifey cut the grass for me. She does that sometimes.
So today it was my turn.
I go out to the garage, get the gas can, all ready to fill up Betsy.
Betsy is missing her gas cap.
Wifey was the one to last use the mower.
Back into the house I storm!
"LUUUUUCY!!! WHERE IS THE GAS CAP!!!???"
So out she comes to retrace her mowing steps.
It seems she filled up the mower on the front yard.
We morphed into Lewis and Clark and searched for the missing gas cap.
After what seemed liked three minutes (It was probably two minutes) she found the missing gas cap..
So all was good.
I filled up the tank and cut the grass in the traditional diagonal pattern.
But my mind was made up.
Wifey was to be put on (dramatic music) MOWER PROBATION!
She would need to do the three step check each time she used the mower.
Gas cap on.
Oil cap on.
Mower washed afterwards.
So I went in in the house and told Wifey that she was now on (dramatic music) MOWER PROBATION!
Here is how Wifey responded:
WIFEY: "Fuck off."
Saturday, September 10, 2011
The above picture is on cnn.com today.
The headline for the picture is:
LIBYA FIGHTERS ATTACK GADHAFI STRONGHOLD
The picture shows a guy with a gun in the back of an El Camino.
The stronghold appears to be a piece of unprotected worthless land.
If you can't beat a guy in an El Camino you don't deserve to be a dictator.
And if you don't have an actual stronghold please don't call it a stronghold, okay?
Friday, September 09, 2011
Everybody has their story.
Here is my loss from that day.
It was a Tuesday. Gorgeous day. Not a cloud in the sky.
I was ready to go to work.
My lunch was in the fridge.
I gathered my stuff up. Paperwork. Wallet.
WHERE ARE MY KEYS!!
I have to get to the warehouse!! It's Tuesday!
WHERE ARE MY KEYS!!
I looked around.
After a tense minute or two I found them.
9/11 my loss.
Wednesday, September 07, 2011
So I'm at a restaurant the other night and I want the salt.
So I reach over to grab the "salt shaker" and it's one of those stupid sea salt ones where you have to grind the salt.
I wanted a salt shaker like the ones pictured above.
You know, a salt shaker.
To put salt on my food.
But this crap pizza place (and don't get me started on the "pizza") thought they were all upscale and provided us with sea salt.
Sea salt that I have to grind and then somehow figure out how to just get on the chicken that was on my "pizza" and not the "pizza" itself.
People just want salt in a regular salt shaker.
We don't want sea salt that needs a grindin'.
I speak for everybody on this matter.
I am the Lorax of salt.
The most basic of things is salt in a conventional shaker. I don't want to think about salt.
Yet I was. Yet I am.
I want Morton brand salt in a see-through salt shaker.
So do you, so does your mother, so does Mel Gibson and Halle Berry.
It's called salt for a reason.