Sunday, October 30, 2011


WIFEY: "CRAP! What are we going to do now?"

ME: "I don't know. We could talk."

WIFEY: "About what?"

ME: "I don't know."

WIFEY: ::::silence:::

ME: :::silence:::

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Frannie=Keith Richards looking dude. Quasi-homeless.

FRANNIE: "I'd didn't expect you to be open so early."

ME: "So why did you come here so early?"

FRANNIE: "I was hoping you'd be open."

ME: "What if I wasn't?"

FRANNIE: "I'd probably be standing outside."

ME: "Probably?"

Saturday, October 22, 2011

The Bloody Tongue

So last night I feel something in my mouth.

I spit in the sink.


I spit again.




I show Wifey my tongue.

Not a lot of concern there.

I look in the mirror. I'm Gene Simmons. Blood all over my tongue.

I brush my teeth.

I assume it's nothing.

(Bloody tongue is never nothing)

(Bloody tongue is cancer)

(You know it, I know it)

I go to bed.

I'm thinking about my bloody tongue.

Midnight. Bloody Tongue.

1:30 am.



My mind is racing.

WebMD on the iphone. Google 'Bloody Tongue'.

Could be bacteria. Could be cancer.

I know it's cancer. It has to be.

2:47 am. Tossing turning. Cancer treatments dance thru my head.

Can I live without a tongue?

orb bill ib tawg lige dis?

It's freaking me out.

I get up again. I rinse my mouth. I spit.

It's now 4:38am.

No blood.


My cancer is gone!!

The blood turned out to be a Brachs Cinnamon Hard Candy I forgot I had around 10:00 last night.

How brushing my teeth didn't get rid of it the first time I have no idea.

Did I forget to brush my tongue?

I usually brush my tongue. With a toothbrush, not a hairbrush

I'll tell you about the hairy tongue another time....

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Susan Sarandon Calls The Pope a Nazi

The Pope Responds:

"Hence today I believe that I am acting in accordance with the will of the Almighty Creator: by defending myself against the Jew, I am fighting for the work of the Lord."

"Or something."

Occupy Poland

Monday, October 17, 2011

Saturday, October 15, 2011

A black guy walks into a bar (and other observations)

Chinese guy tripped on curb.

Latino woman had the wind blow up her skirt (not pleasant)

Latino guy and his son got matching haircuts.

Soviet guy bought a Three Stooges Monopoly game for his son.

African American woman loved Gumby and Pokey.

Small Pakistani man walks funny.

Black guy wearing a Celtics t-shirt

White guy wearing a Green Bay Packers shirt.

Nazi on a loud motorcycle.

Not a good color, LaQuisha.

Indian men talking in loud annoying voices (but in a strange happy manner)

Mexican with his stereo up way too loud.

Pakistani trucker loves him some horn.

All races ignoring car alarm.

Ladies from Central America love their jeans one size too small.

Friday, October 14, 2011

The Dracula Kid

So this kid was in with his Dad a few weeks ago.

He seemed fascinated by Dracula stuff that I have in the shop.

KID: "Daddy! It's Ejacula! Ejacula figure! Daddy...I want Ejacula!! I love Ejacula!"

Jazz isn't music

So I was reading a book the other day and on the back it mentioned other books coming out soon.

One was titled: Jazz Isn't Music

I have no idea what the book is about. Though I'm guessing it's probably about Jazz.

We all want to pretend that we like Jazz.

"Oh, look at me! I like Jazz!"

You don't like Jazz.

You lying to yourself.

Jazz is "cool" so you have to like it.

"Look at me! I'm a hipster! Me and Miles Davis!"

Jazz blows.

Get over it.

Nothing worse than a long instrumental by some New Orleans hack.

Sing you idiot!

"Oh, but Jazz conveys a steaming hot night. A mood. A romance."

Jazz blows.

How many Jazz songs on your i-Pod?

How many Jazz records or CDs do you own?

Last Jazz concert you went to?

Who is #1 on the Jazz charts?

Case closed.

Jazz blows.

So stop pretending. Stop wearing your pork pie hat. Your fancy clothes.

Your Raybans.

Jazz blows.

(Tomorrow we will discuss why The Blues are awesome.)

Thursday, October 13, 2011

And the award goes to....LOIS!

You know Lois.

She used to hang out here with us.

Every week she comes into my shop to buy her goodies.

Usually she brings her kids (maniacs)

Her kids (maniacs) are a blast. They amuse me.

And they are very fun to tease.

Lois teases them into submission every week.

The oldest boy is maybe 8 years old. Quiet. Polite. Charming. Smart.

The youngest is nuts. Charming quiet polite and smart. Did I mention nuts?

So anyhow, why does Lois win Mom of The Year once again?

Yesterday she brought the kids in and the five year old was singing the classic AC/DC song Highway to Hell.

And not much more in life is cooler than a Five year old maniac singing Highway to Hell by AC/DC.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

It's always funnier when they drop the Gs

WIFEY: ::laughter::

ME: "What's so funny?"

WIFEY: "You were whistlin'"

ME: "I wasn't "whistlin'"."

WIFEY: "You were whistlin'!"

ME: "You're off your rocker."

WIFEY: "You were just layin' there whistlin'."

ME: "Why on earth would I be whistlin'?"

WIFEY: "You whistle."

ME: "You're nuts."

Monday, October 10, 2011

Does your cane really help you walk? And other observations and rants.

If you are confined to a wheelchair stop 'running' marathons. Okay?


No legs? No skiing.


No hands? No painting. If you hold the brush with your teeth your paintings are probably crap. Knock it off. Watch TV.


Can't read? Don't ask for a price because you "forgot" your glasses for the 50th time. Okay? There is no shame in not being able to read. Oh, wait...yes there is.


Don't like the way a certain dish is prepared at a restaurant? Order something else. Don't try to switch out the beef for lobster. It comes with carrots not peas. It has garlic in it. Loser.


Don't ask for $20 in gas. Fill your tank up unless $20 worth will get you to your death.


Don't dig in your purse for exact change. We will make change for you. You're holding things up!!! We hate you!


Don't want those paper towels you were thinking of buying? Put them back where you got them from. They don't belong with the produce. I hate you!


Honking your horn makes us all in a better mood. Thanks for your contribution. Not really. I hate you. I hate your horn. And your children. Don't get me started on your children.


How much is that, you ask? Maybe THE PRICE STICKER WILL GIVE YOU A CLUE!!


After you flush my toilet please look back into the bowl. Thank you.


Do you flush the toilet at home? I didn't think so.

It's an ounce of ink in a rare plastic cartridge. Yeah, that's worth $18.


McRib is Back. We don't want onions or pickles on it. You got that, Ronald McDonald?

Nobody likes your ringtone. Especially at the volume you have it set at.


Sunday, October 09, 2011

The Circle of Life.

Every day we are all reminded of death.

This past week has been tough.

First off is a man who changed the world. Steve Jobs. Dead in his 50s.

Too soon.

Then a few days later a man named Al Davis. A pioneer in football. He owned the Oakland Raiders and helped shape the NFL into the powerhouse it is today.

Maybe not too soon, but still sad.

And then today I open up my news.

There it was.

Dead in a hotel room.

40 years old.

A guy who played bass for Weezer from 1998-2001.

I'll never forget that guy who plaed bass for Weezer from 1998-2001.

Too sad. Too soon. Too bassy.

Friday, October 07, 2011

New feature: Manly Man or Not So Manly Man

GUY: "Could you put aside that Baywatch Barbie KEN doll for me?"

ME: "Why am I not surprised by this request?"

GUY: "The one with the jet ski."

ME: "Okay."

Thursday, October 06, 2011


Elvis died also.

Our Newest Feature: Steve Jobs Jokes

Q: How can we view Steve's body in the coffin?

A: Slide to unlock.


"I applied at Apple but they said they have no Jobs left."


I blame Obama for the lack of Jobs.


I was going to tell 5 Steve Jobs jokes but I decided on only 4s instead.

Wednesday, October 05, 2011

Sunday, October 02, 2011

Attempted Murder

(I might have stolen this joke)