Thursday, May 31, 2012

I'm the gander!!

So I go through a toll booth the other day and hand the guy a crisp one dollar bill.

He gives me my change. Part of the change was five pennies.

I look at him.

He looks at me.

I look at my fist full of pennies.

He looks at me.

I look back at him.

I speak.

"What the fuck is this??"

He speaks.

"That's your change."

I speak again.

"It's pennies...the sign says no pennies."

He just smiles.

I think I tell him to fuck off.

My daughter is in the car with me.

She giggles.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Who said it:: A pastor from North Carolina or Adolf Hitler?

“I figured a way out, a way to get rid of all the lesbians and queers but I couldn’t get it pass the Congress – build a great big large fence, 50 or a hundred mile long. Put all the lesbians in there, fly over and drop some food. Do the same thing with the queers and the homosexuals. And have that fence electrified so they can’t get out.
And you know what? In a few years they will die out. You know why? They can’t reproduce. If a man ever has a young'un, praise God he will be the first.”

Monday, May 21, 2012

Overheard in the Shoppe.

CUSTOMER: "Leatherface doesn't even know who James Bond is!"

 FRIEND: "I know!!"

Saturday, May 19, 2012

What is the point of this story?

So I have a retarded customer.

And actual retarded customer.

(Or do we call him mentally challenged?)

We will stick with retard for this post. Simmer down!

His name is Bobby.

This particular retard is high functioning. Not Hoag level of high functioning, but still a high functioning retard.

Like Hoag, he dresses nice.

He has a debit card. He is very aware of what things cost.

He talks like you would expect a retard to talk.

He is polite.

As you would expect him to be.

So last night it was past closing time.

 I was hungry.

Bobby was the last person here besides me.

I let him know that it was closing time.

He looked at his watch.

He looked at me.

He looked  at his watch.

He looked at me.

BOBBY: "What time is it?"

ME: "6:47 at night"

BOBBY: "My watch stopped."

The End

So what is the point of this story?

The point is: There is just something funny about a retarded guy with a stopped watch.

I'm not sure why.

Give it some thought.

You will smile.

Monday, May 14, 2012

Everything should be a nickel

So one of my crazies comes in the shop on Saturday.

Very bag lady-ish. 60s.

Kooky striped socks.

An umbrella in hand on a sunny day.

Weird bows in her hair.

She bought five old lunch boxes for $51.00.

Here is the conversation that followed:

ME: "....and thank you very much! Have a wonderful day!"

LADY: "These should be a nickel."

ME: "What should be a nickel?"

LADY: "These lunch boxes."

ME: "I agree."

LADY: "Everything should be a nickel."

ME: "I agree."

LADY: "I remember when everything was a nickel."

ME: "Me too."

LADY: "That should be a nickel...and that should be a nickel. Everything should be a nickel!"

ME: "Imagine how much stuff we could buy if everything was nickel!??"

LADY: "Everything used to be a nickel."

ME: "Thank you."

Friday, May 11, 2012

Willy de Sade's Steakhouse and Gitmo Torture Shack

So we go out for steaks last night.

Great thick juicy steaks. Baked potatoes dripping in mouth watering butter.

Fresh bread and garlic.

Fantastic service. Lively bar scene.

And the tables of DEATH!!

These things had to have been designed byTorquemada himself!

The most uncomfortable tables in the history of dining!

They might have beem coated in acid and embedded with razor blade spikes!

We left screaming in pain!

But good steaks....

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Hash flipped, math skipped. And more!

So I'm driving by the local diner today and notice that they have a large sign up that states:  HASH FLIPPED!!!

Is that really worthy of three exclamation points???


I'm in the center of town filling up my gas tank.

It comes to $49.00.

I give the grease monkey $60.00. Here is the conversation that followed:

GREASE MONKEY: "So you want $1.00 back?"

ME: "No...I want $11.00 back.



I was craving a lobster roll last night. I go to my new favorite lobster roll place to get one.

There are 15 empty bar stools around the bar where I plan to eat.

I order.

My food and drink get delivered.

Then lonely Joe the Bartender saunters up to me and starts talking.

I'm the only one there.

I pretend like I'm texting.

He talks some more. And more. And more.

He offers his name. I give him mine.

We are now chums. Or so he thinks.

He talks some more.

Did you know that he was once quite the hockey player?

I do.

He then shook my hand.

I don't really like shaking hands much.

But he's my I shake.

Now all I can think about is washing off Joe the Bartender's lonely germs.


Thats it.

Tuesday, May 08, 2012

Monday, May 07, 2012

Red Sox Chip Update:

In a rather dull ceremony the unlucky Red Sox poker chip was buried.

(Actually it was dropped in a hole where once stood a fence post)

Nobody really cared.

No food was served.

It probably wont have any real impact on the pennant race.

Go Celtics!

Sunday, May 06, 2012

Nhoj Cram Dnamats

So I was cleaning under my counter two weeks ago and I found a Red Sox poker chip.

I put it on a case behind the counter.

What happened?

The Red Sox won six games in a row!

On the road!

They were on fire! They were inching towards .500 after a bad start.

My friends...I found a lucky Red Sox poker chip and I was in control of the Red Sox destiny for 2012!

I thought I'd share this lucky chip with a friend.

Once the lucky poker chip passed hands it became the unlucky Red Sox poker chip!!

I threw the 2012 season down the toilet!

Why oh why oh why did I give it away!!!?????

But the gods looked down at me.

The Red Sox poker chip found it's way BACK to me.

It's sitting in my home.

But still bringing bad luck to my fading Red Sox.

What to do, what to do? (real men should never say 'what to do, what to do?')

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do....I'm gonna bury that motherfucker in my front yard.

Tomorrow. 5/7/12

Maybe around 9- 9:30.

It will be a somber ceremony.

I doubt you can make it to my front yard tomorrow so do me a favor...

Around 9:00am start chanting NHOJ CRAM DNAMATS slowly.




and repeat.

Nhoj Cram Dnamats.

Nhoj Cram Dnamats.

Nhoj Cram Dnamats.

It's really the only way to save the season.

Nhoj. Cram. Dnamats.

Thursday, May 03, 2012

Search Engine Does My Thinking.

You've used a search engine before, correct?

You know how sometimes you type in a few letters and it auto-suggests things?

It drives me nuts.

 I'm happy to just type in Jack in the Box tacos or Cialis or whatever it is I'm searching.

(Cialis is funnier in a joke than Viagra is)

So just a few minutes ago I typed in the letters FA

And up came this:

fried filled tortillafamu hazing deathfine grain leatherfamous canalfacebookfacebook

Unfortunately that isn't what I was looking for.